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Okay I need some help !


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#1 OFFLINE   hearinvoices

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Posted 04 October 2010 - 07:36 PM

I've got these lyrics in my head but here lately I've just hit a brick wall !:brickwall: I have a start on them but maybe some help on getting the fire started again ! Any suggestions or comments or just take em and finish them would be great lol ! I don't know what happened but I have just gone blank on lyrics as of late.



Spent half my life just tryin to survive and the other half killin myself
never having more than the day before, putting my life on the shelf

been running trying to stay ahead of the dark, but I just can't find the light
just when I think I'm almost there, day turns into night


hey good to see you come on in, welcome to my show
dont get too close, dont get drawn in, you'll get caught in the undertow

(chorus)
Can you see me .. I'm the man in the shadows
can you hear me .. I'm the whisper in the dark
I've been gone way too long my friend
and feel I'm never coming back again
.... I'm the man in the shadows ...just a man in the shadows



Been drifting around these lonely streets, never staying anywhere too long
been wanting make everything allright, but the darkness swallows my tongue
Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit . Mostly I just sit ..... I think

#2 OFFLINE   carol m

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 05:12 AM

Well I'm late on the scene but no other takers yet. See what you think of these lines below - as always you should take anything you like, mash or switch in whatever way you like, or ignore - no restrictions, and no worries. I've set your lines out in (for me) an easier way to get the feel of them.


Spent half my life just trying to survive
And the other half, trying to die
Each day the same as the day before,
I've been living inside a lie
Or I'm tired of living inside a lie

been running trying to stay ahead of the dark,
but I just can't find the light
just when I think I'm almost there,
day turns into night/Somehow, I always lose the fight

hey good to see you come on in,
welcome to my show
dont get too close, dont get drawn in,
you'll get caught in MY undertow

(chorus)
Can you see me .. I'm the man in the shadows
can you hear me .. I'm the whisper in the dark
I've been gone way too long my friend
and feel I'm never coming back again
.... I'm the/A man in the shadows ...just a man in the shadows


Been drifting around these lonely/empty/hostile streets,
never staying anywhere too long
No-one sees a man in the shadows
There's nowhere I belong

(chorus)
Can you see me .. I'm the man in the shadows
can you hear me .. I'm the whisper in the dark
I've been gone way too long my friend
and feel I'm never coming back again
.... I'm the/A man in the shadows ...just a man in the shadows

I'm tired of searching for a happy ending
I've tired of losing all I've known
I can't keep trying to stay alive
There's no point in living when you're always alone
Or What's the point in living when you're always alone
One good thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain - Bob Marley

#3 OFFLINE   hearinvoices

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 08:15 AM

Nice Carol ! I like some of these ideas a lot. This may be the kick start I needed . Thanks !:winkthumb:



Johnny
Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit . Mostly I just sit ..... I think

#4 OFFLINE   hearinvoices

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 08:31 AM

Okay what if we arranged it this way ?


Spent half my life just tryin to survive and the other half killin myself
never having more than the day before, putting my life on the shelf

been running trying to stay ahead of the dark, but I just can't find the light
just when I think I'm almost there, day turns into night


hey good to see you come on in, welcome to my show
dont get too close, dont get drawn in, you'll get caught in my undertow


Can you see me .. I'm the man in the shadows
can you hear me .. I'm the whisper in the dark
I've been gone way too long my friend
and feel I'm never coming back again
.... I'm the man in the shadows ...just a man in the shadows

Been drifting around these empty streets, never staying anywhere too long
been wanting make everything alright, but the darkness swallows my tongue

tired of living with this pain inside, knowing that I was wrong
but no one sees a man in the shadows, there's nowhere I belong

Hey good to see you come on in, welcome to my show
Don't get too close, don't get drawn in, you'll get caught in my undertow


(chorus)
Can you see me .. I'm the man in the shadows
can you hear me .. I'm the whisper in the dark
I've been gone way too long my friend
and feel I'm never coming back again
.... I'm the man in the shadows ...just a man in the shadows



I think maybe one more verse would help ....:dunno: What do you think ?


Johnny
Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit . Mostly I just sit ..... I think

#5 OFFLINE   Doug

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 04:55 PM

Hey Johnny,
Really good lyrics. I really like Carol's suggestions too. There is one line that kind of bothers me tho' (just my opinion) and that is the "swallows my tongue" line.
A little less dramatic might be...


Been drifting around these empty streets, never staying anywhere too long
been wanting make everything alright, but it always seems to come undone

Not sure if it needs another verse - you already have two choruses. With an instrumental bridge it may stand on it's own. Should come in at around the 4:00 minute mark - if it is less, then maybe another verse.

-Doug
"we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are" - Anais Nin

#6 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 08:25 AM

:winkthumb: yeah... good lyrics all round

i was tryin this with the chords you had in mind initially Johnny :guitardude: can't get away from that idea....only line that doesn't quite flow is the "you'll get caught in my undertow"......may work tho if sang as a backin vocal...in ma head anyhoo

#7 OFFLINE   carol m

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 08:33 AM

Paul, if the problem is that the line's too long you could chop either

(Don't get too close), don't get drawn in, you'll get caught in my undertow, or

Don't get too close, (don't get drawn in), you'll get caught in my undertow,

then the meaning is the same, and the rhyme at the end is still there.
One good thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain - Bob Marley

#8 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 08:47 AM

in ma head it's good right up to "undertow".....one syllable too long



hey good to see you come on in, welcome to my show
dont get too close, dont get drawn in, you'll get caught in my undertow.......to me this part is a bridge or pre chorus

you'll get caught in my shadow.....would work as far as syllables go, but takes away from the chorus



you'll get caught in my GALLOWS..... :dunno: ?????

#9 OFFLINE   starsailor

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 09:17 AM

Good lyrics everyone, looks like a cool collab. I have a simpler line for the undertow verse, no worries if it doesn't work for you.

Hey good to see you come on in, welcome to my show
Don't get too close, don't get drawn in, don't go where I go

Cheers

Chris
You don't stop laughing when you grow old; you grow old when you stop laughing.

#10 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 09:28 AM

perfect :winkthumb: yeah.... nice one chris........i like it.....works for me anyway

#11 OFFLINE   eddiez152

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Posted 07 October 2010 - 11:57 PM

Coming along, a lot of good ideas here.
Nothin sweeter than the sound of music comin out of a 6 string box - EZ me Music / ASCAP "Music is a social act of communication, a gesture of friendship,the strongest there is"-Malcolm Arnold

#12 OFFLINE   hearinvoices

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Posted 10 October 2010 - 09:48 AM

hey been away for a few days .... Thanks for the responses ! Good changes and ideas too. Doug I kinda liked that line 'the darkness swallows my tongue' but I see what your saying on a little less dramatic too. Your line fits perfect too. If I could sing I would try it both ways to see which sounds best, but I can't so I won't LOL. ......... Paul feel free to make it any chord progression you want it doesnt have to be the one I was showing you. It was just an initial thought on it. Feel free to change it completely if you want. ...... Chris nice change on that line too....


take care all,


Johnny
Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit . Mostly I just sit ..... I think

#13 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 10 October 2010 - 06:56 PM

how'do Johnny :winkthumb: ...............i think your initial guitar part works perfect for these lyrics :yes: i've been playin with it..........as soon as i get some electric guitar strings i'll get it down.....don't think it's worth doin an acoustic version just now....needs electric to give it some.......oomph...lol :smilinguitar:

#14 OFFLINE   starsailor

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Posted 11 October 2010 - 04:44 AM

Look forward to hearing this Johnny and Paul, cool collaboration. :winkthumb:
You don't stop laughing when you grow old; you grow old when you stop laughing.

#15 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 14 October 2010 - 05:41 PM

hey Johnny :winkthumb: ........... a wee idea i had on switchin these lines around :dunno:



tired of living with this pain inside, knowing that I was wrong
been wanting make everything alright, but the darkness swallows my tongue

Been drifting around these empty streets, never staying anywhere too long
truth is no one sees a man in the shadows, there's nowhere I belong




Paul............



got some strings :smilinguitar: :yes:

#16 OFFLINE   sheraton

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Posted 14 October 2010 - 05:45 PM

edit....lol forgot to change a bit



tired of living with this pain inside, knowing that I was wrong
try to find the words make everything alright, but the darkness swallows my tongue

not sure if these extra syllables will fit, :dunno: but maybe

#17 OFFLINE   hearinvoices

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Posted 15 October 2010 - 04:04 PM

I say go for it Paul ! which ever way works is good for me !


johnny
Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit . Mostly I just sit ..... I think





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