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Alawiggle

Happy Little Trees - Song in progress

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This is a song I'm writing (once again, just the lyrics, I'm still trying to learn how to play the guitar part I wrote!). Tell me what you think, I think this is a vast improvement on anything I've ever done before.

Make your peace, and rest with god, whoever he may be.

Float your mind, on a boat, in an ocean filled with green.

Caught inbetween, your two paths, alone and without help.

Ideas spring forth, and fall back towards, your own reflective self

because

Happy little trees march savagely across the land x3

March strongly, against the wind, blowing oh so hard.

Keeping track, of time gone past, starting off from where you are.

Discover your, path down to, a land where you are king.

In a wilderness, behind the clouds, shiny and shimmering

and

Happy little trees march savagely across the land x3

Happy little trees fade mournfully into the land.

Happy little trees trace colors into the sand.

<few other lines of the same nature>

Thoughts?

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Hy Alawiggle, it was the title Happy Little Trees that made me have a look at this song. made me curious, nice writing and it flows well, it's trippy too, it's up to you but from a first look the one word that didn't feel right was strongly in the second verse, I was thinking something like Defiantly or relentlessly would roll better but it's just my opinion, looks good to me so far, interesting song look forward to seeing where you go with it, nice one:winkthumb:

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Couple of thoughts .... of course, keep in mine just my opines....but hopefully to encourage ..

Line one..

While I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I would remove "God" from the equation. And not to be pro or anti-anything. In the greater scheme of lyric writing you will reach a greater audience without the inclusion of God. On the other hand, if you're writing for a specific audience who would no doubt appreciate the inclusion, then by all means, include what is necessary.

Rather, I would write ...

"Make your peace and rest with ease where ever you may be".

... or similar...

In the apparent chorus line ..

I would remove the word "savage". It doesn't fit with the rest of the lyric. I can't feel "happy little trees" marching "savagely" across the land. And when I see it in my mind, I see the Ents of Fanghorn going after the evil wizard. And those tree aren't little or happy. I understand the apparent contradiction but I feel "savagely" is a poor choice of words. I would attempt to be a bit more profound on these lines.

Also, the word "march". It's in the chorus line (x3) and immediately in the first line of the second verse. One of them has to go. Otherwise, the redundancy will be boring.

**

LC

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Couple of thoughts .... of course, keep in mine just my opines....but hopefully to encourage ..

Line one..

While I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I would remove "God" from the equation. And not to be pro or anti-anything. In the greater scheme of lyric writing you will reach a greater audience without the inclusion of God. On the other hand, if you're writing for a specific audience who would no doubt appreciate the inclusion, then by all means, include what is necessary.

Rather, I would write ...

"Make your peace and rest with ease where ever you may be".

... or similar...

In the apparent chorus line ..

I would remove the word "savage". It doesn't fit with the rest of the lyric. I can't feel "happy little trees" marching "savagely" across the land. And when I see it in my mind, I see the Ents of Fanghorn going after the evil wizard. And those tree aren't little or happy. I understand the apparent contradiction but I feel "savagely" is a poor choice of words. I would attempt to be a bit more profound on these lines.

Also, the word "march". It's in the chorus line (x3) and immediately in the first line of the second verse. One of them has to go. Otherwise, the redundancy will be boring.

**

LC

As for God, I'm an atheist, but I put God in there as a representation of what you envision life's ultimate goal is.

As for the savage part, I agree and am thinking of another inclusion that would be more suited.

The word "march" was put in there twice on purpose. Ideally it's two verses without the word march, then the final verse would bring (the one with "march" or "marching" in it) would be included to kind of round it off.

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Here is an idea or two Alawiggle. Why not leave out 'savagely' so the line goes 'Happy little trees march across the land'? Doesn't that solve the problem of what to say instead of savagely? That allows the listener to imagine the scene in their own way. I'm sure you could use phrasing to fit the lyric to the music.

There's another line that sounds a bit strained when I read it, and that is 'Happy little trees fade mournfully into the land'. the word mournfully feels a bit strange to me. If you left out 'mournfully' altogether the line still makes sense, well it does to me! And the same thing with using the phrasing to fit the shorter line to the music.

As usual, if you disagree that is fine, I really won't mind. :)

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