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D-Dawn

My Dream...

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My Dream

In my dream the other night

I saw her soul leave

Her final flight...

The colors were muted

All but just her

The landscape was pale

Merely a blur...

She ran up the sidewalk

Arms stretched open wide

Watching from far away

I nearly cried...

A bright sunny day in that Heaven of hers

To see them all waiting,

Just as they were...

Smiles on their faces

Here they were young too

Tears of Joy! Overwhelmed!

As if thier wish had come true.

That's all I saw, before fading away...

But it was enough

Knowing she'll be okay.

There is where she wanted to be,

Not here on Earth,

With you or me...

I understand truly,

That this is her When,

Her Time,

Her Happy,

Her Never-End.

V.D.P. 2009

Have I got my tense consistent here? I wrote this along with several others last week...think I'm about written out for now, but you never know!

This one was about a dream I had a few nights after my mother passed. about 6 years ago..I dunno, the dream made me feel ok about her going...not any easier, just ok.

I have this and the one for my dad that I would like to put music to, but I seem to have trouble with lyrics before music. Of course I want it to sound sad at times, but lighter at others...just gotta figure it out it will a flow.

I am concerned about this rhyming bit I have going on.. as I feel that it might take away from the seriousness of some f my subject matter<-opinions? I don't want to sound like a depressed Dr.Suess lol :dunno:

If I am posting too many, feel free to say so...I have childhood, pain/loss, healing,love, fun, empathy...heck I even have an angry one!! Don't know why they all came out at once, but I'll take what I can get!

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Forgot a whole line sorry!

Right after "merely a blur" it goes:

A child again

Much younger than me

I watched in awe

As she was set free...

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D,

I like that fact you used common everyday, normal speak in this lyric. I think using language such as this adds to the homey-ness of the story.

Overall not a bad write. I do have one thought to share though. In the verse,

The colors were muted

All but just her

The landscape was pale

Merely a blur...

There is reference to surroundings twice. Colors muted and landscape pale. To me this is redundant. Either line would stand on it's own. However, I prefer "the landscape was pale" as it rolls off the tongue easier than "the colors were muted". The landscape was pale also allows me to envision an artist painting a scene, perhaps in water color. The color line is a bit harsher in reality. As well, their is softness in the words "landscape and pale" while "color and muted" is harder.

My point, drop one of the "environmental" lines and write an new line that is more personal about "her" in the landscape. "Her" is the main character. I would make a line specific about her.

And depending on your view, I would reverse the first two verses.

Thanks for sharing.

**

LC

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Hi D-Dawn,

You are really on a roll and doing a great job of it. I can relate to your topics for your songs. My family is always after me to write a "happy song". I found that hard to do, but finally wrote one about camping because I loved camping before I got sick. However, the emotional stuff really attracts me too. Don't worry...there is a huge market for these songs too!

Again, you are doing a great job. The music will come. A year ago I never dreamt I would be writing/singing/recording music, so it will happen.

Annette

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Thanks for the input both of you! Les, I'm gonna have to find my quiet time to think about your ideas...I appreciate constructive criticism more than you know!

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My Dream

She was so vibrant

Light all around

The landscape was pale,

I heard not a sound...

In my dream the other night

I saw her soul leave,

A beautiful sight...

A child once again

How could this be?

I watched in awe

As she was set free

She ran up the sidewalk

Arms stretched open wide

Seeing from far away

I nearly cried...

In my dream the other night,

I saw her soul leave,

A beautiful sight...

A bright sunny day in that Heaven of hers

Too see them all waiting,

Just as they were...

Smiles on their faces,

Here, they are young too!

Tears of joy! Overwhelmed!

As if their wish had come true...

I my dream the other night,

I saw her soul leave,

A beautiful sight...

This is where she wanted to be,

Not in this world,

Of you and me...

That's all I saw,

Before it faded away,

But it was enough,

Knowing she'll be okay...

In my dream the other night,

I saw her soul leave,

Her final flight...

We'll always miss mother,

This I know well,

Will I see her again?

Only time will tell...

But I understand truly,

That this was her When,

Her Time,

Her Happy,

Her Never End...

V.D.P. 2009

:crying2:

This ending comes from my mother missing those that had passed on any many years before her (her mother, father, sister and brother)....At times it seemed that she wanted to be with them more than us, especially near her end. I really did have this dream a few nights after she passed...too bad I'm not a painter...I hope I haven't over done it...

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Well Dawn, another song! Impressive. I liked the original and the re-write better. Personally I thought the second last verse was un-necessary and too particular to one situation - yours. I understood the meaning without that explanation verse, and it left the listener open to use their imagination and apply it to anyone they wanted. By making it specifically 'mother' you are limiting the imaginative possibilities of the song for other people. Just my view...

Hey I've been wrong before, and probably will be again. :winkthumb:

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Thanks for the input Les, it really helped me not only on this, but got me changing the other I did for my father.

Carol, I don't k ow where these all came from suddenly, but I suppose it's because I've been in a bit of a funk lately and have done alot of thinking :) not always a bad thing!!

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I meant to add in my earlier post, by changing the word pale to paled, you have now taken the character from being just in the scene to making "her" the focal point.

Carol, Yeah. But we're usually up, out and gone by 6.30. And yes, spring is now kicking some crab grass ....er.... grass in the hills. The redbuds are an absolute sight to see and the dogwoods are breaking out as fast as they can. I'll try and get a picture or two.... :)

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Nice writing D-Dawn, powerful lyrics, enjoying the feedback on here too, great thread, it's good to see the songwriting forum getting busy, so thanks for all your songs. and to all the members who post songs here:winkthumb:

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