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Alawiggle

Horrible lyrics to be critiqued.

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Alawiggle    0

Basically, I'm writing my first acoustic guitar song and I need some lyrics for it. The guitar parts are good (I'll post them later when I can make a good run through of the song...I'm using parts that are challenging to me :)) but the lyrics...not so much. Anyway, here they are. How can I make them flow better? What is bad? What is good?

No holds barred. I don't want crap lyrics in my song. :)

Title: <none so far>

Writer: Jeff Bowen

Copyright Information:©Jeff Bowen - 12/27/08

[Verse 1]

Yellow burst of sun turn grey

our short time is an extended stay

hopelessness will soon arrive

the ether waits for those who die

[Chorus]

Free to roam, the earth resides

hallowed grave, here lies I

spotless pattern, marred with scars

light through holes, reveal the dark

[Verse 2]

empty spaces filled with air

unrepaired vile tears

misgivings from afar

those who wish on shooting stars

[Chorus again]

[bridge]

Voices within, the cold cold rain

not enough, still entertained

the blame that I, see fit to lay

those that violate spaces, those in pain

After the bridge, I'll either add one more verse or just add an acoustic guitar solo. Not sure which one I want.

Anyway, critique away. :)

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tomg123    0

It seems like a song though well written and thought out, tells a

story that may be understood by the writer, but hard to understand

for the listener. There's nothing wrong with that if thats what your

going for, and may sound quite beautiful to music. Anyway if you

just want to know if the words are positioned to flow nice, i would

say yes

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To be blunt... I don't like the lyrics in the slightest. You use good imagery, but it doesn't tell a coherent story. The basic use of imagery is to tie a story together so the listener/reader can create a movie in their head. I can create a movie, but every line seems like it's own scene with it's own characters. It looks like Quentin Tarantino directed your movie in my head. ;P

I don't know how to help you with the lyrics as I got absolutely nothing from them, so I can't even suggest changes. Sorry. I would just say to work on cohering the lyrics together.

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I thought the lyrics were pretty decent. Some songs are melody-led, some story-led and others image-led. and all are valid. Some songs combine all three. I look forward to hearing the structure when you post it.

Ian:winkthumb:

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starsailor    20
Basically, I'm writing my first acoustic guitar song and I need some lyrics for it. The guitar parts are good (I'll post them later when I can make a good run through of the song...I'm using parts that are challenging to me :)) but the lyrics...not so much. Anyway, here they are. How can I make them flow better? What is bad? What is good?

No holds barred. I don't want crap lyrics in my song. :)

Title: <none so far>

Writer: Jeff Bowen

Copyright Information:©Jeff Bowen - 12/27/08

[Verse 1]

Yellow burst of sun turn grey

our short time is an extended stay

hopelessness will soon arrive

the ether waits for those who die

[Chorus]

Free to roam, the earth resides

hallowed grave, here lies I

spotless pattern, marred with scars

light through holes, reveal the dark

[Verse 2]

empty spaces filled with air

unrepaired vile tears

misgivings from afar

those who wish on shooting stars

[Chorus again]

[bridge]

Voices within, the cold cold rain

not enough, still entertained

the blame that I, see fit to lay

those that violate spaces, those in pain

After the bridge, I'll either add one more verse or just add an acoustic guitar solo. Not sure which one I want.

Anyway, critique away. :)

Hi Alawiggle, It is quite cryptic, as I see it it's about, life and death, regret and loathing unless it's gone over my head, would you be up for a rewrite, it wouldn't dilute the song at all just give it a bit more clarity, I'd like to have a go but not without your permission:winkthumb:

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Alawiggle    0
Hi Alawiggle, It is quite cryptic, as I see it it's about, life and death, regret and loathing unless it's gone over my head, would you be up for a rewrite, it wouldn't dilute the song at all just give it a bit more clarity, I'd like to have a go but not without your permission:winkthumb:

Go for it if you want to.

Btw, thanks for all the feedback for those who gave some. :)

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Alawiggle    0
Thanks Alawiggle, I'll give it my best shot, no worries if you don't like what I do, how are you getting on with the tune?

Finished it yesterday. Only thing I wanna do now is add a solo to it. :) Soon as I can record it, I'll put it up.

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starsailor    20
Finished it yesterday. Only thing I wanna do now is add a solo to it. :) Soon as I can record it, I'll put it up.

Hi Alawiggle, I've done this, it's just my interpretation of the message of your song, feel free to change anything you don't like, hope it helps and hope I haven't strayed too far from the meaning.:winkthumb:

[Verse 1]

Sunset turns an ashen grey

Our short time, an extended stay

Hopelessness will soon arrive

The ether waits for those who die

[Chorus]

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

Moonlit eyes reflect the light

[Verse 2]

Empty space filled with air

Vile tears beyond repair

Misgivings from afar

Ghost in limbo, shooting star

[Chorus]

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

Moonlit eyes reflect the light

[bridge]

Unheard cries in cold cold rain

Passers by not entertained

By blame that I, see fit to lay

On those who sought to cause me pain

All the Best

Chris

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Alawiggle    0
Hi Alawiggle, I've done this, it's just my interpretation of the message of your song, feel free to change anything you don't like, hope it helps and hope I haven't strayed too far from the meaning.:winkthumb:

[Verse 1]

Sunset turns an ashen grey

Our short time, an extended stay

Hopelessness will soon arrive

The ether waits for those who die

[Chorus]

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

Moonlit eyes reflect the light

[Verse 2]

Empty space filled with air

Vile tears beyond repair

Misgivings from afar

Ghost in limbo, shooting star

[Chorus]

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

Moonlit eyes reflect the light

[bridge]

Unheard cries in cold cold rain

Passers by not entertained

By blame that I, see fit to lay

On those who sought to cause me pain

All the Best

Chris

Oh, I like some of that. Thanks, I'll be using most of that. Have to rearrange a bit so that it fits with the music, but it's all good. Thanks!

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starsailor    20
Oh, I like some of that. Thanks, I'll be using most of that. Have to rearrange a bit so that it fits with the music, but it's all good. Thanks!

Pleasure Alawiggle, pleased you like it and it will be great to hear you:winkthumb:

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Aunt Doty    0

I don't get it! But I never understood the meaning of " A Whiter Shade of Pale"........but I loved that song........as did a lot of other people................so what I'm trying to say is maybe? :confused: ?

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knight46    2

I agree that the lyrics are very cryptic (not a bad thing) and without explanation could loose part of your audience. I think that Starsailor has some good ideas if they mesh with what you are trying to say.

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starsailor    20
Yeah, I've decided these lyrics *do* suck. It's just a bunch of words that kind-of, sort-of sound good together.

Disregard!

Would it be ok to do a take with the stuff I wrote Alawiggle, just have a little tune for them, no worries if it's not, I liked this song, are you working on another song for your tune ?

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starsailor    20
Yeah, I've decided these lyrics *do* suck. It's just a bunch of words that kind-of, sort-of sound good together.

Disregard!

Hi Alawiggle, I really like the story of this song and couldn't get away from it, hope you don't mind but I've done this rewrite based on my other one, put the song in the first person and given it a title.

Shallow Grave

[Verse 1]

Sunset turns an ashen grey

My short time, an extended stay

Hopelessness will soon arrive

The ether waits for those who die

[Chorus]

My shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, where I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

My Moonlit eyes reflect the light

[Verse 2]

Empty space filled with air

Vile tears beyond repair

Tormented voice from afar

A ghost in limbo, a shooting star

[Chorus]

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, where I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

My Moonlit eyes reflect the light

Unheard cries in cold cold rain

Passers by not entertained

By blame that I, see fit to lay

On those who watched me die in pain

As my shadow on earth resides

In a shallow grave, where I lie each night

No hallowed turf, no mark of birth

My Moonlit eyes reflect the light

If you like where I've gone with it, I'd appreciate it if I could do a take on it and I have a little finger picking tune I've arranged for it, it's very stripped down but lends itself to the lyrics,

Hope to see you around soon and hope you're well:winkthumb:

Best Wishes

Chris

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