[Metallica ROCKS!!!]

HELLO

okay the other night i was having a few cold ones with my mates and when they all passed out (PIKERS) i started listening to one of my old cds and came across mine and my ex girlfriends song. and all these thoughts came into my head and i wrote them down and the next day i seen it and i wasnt in the same frame of mind and i cant think of nething else PLEASE HELP ME!!!! its my first so if you can tell me if i can make any improvments to what ive done

here it is:
-: INSTRUMENTAL :-

VERSE 1
I dont know what youve done to me
I dont &*^%$ understand
I guess im just an abductee
Im under your command

VERSE 2
I dont know why i feel this way
Im dazed and confused
Its always the same cliche
Im only there to be used

CHORUS

yeah as you can see she cheated on me (the bleaping bleap lol) but yeah if you can please help.

THANK YOU

[Lcjones]

Just a quickie, as it were...

The verses, which no doubt depict a sullen soul, give the listener absolutely no hint of why this soul is sullen.

The verses should not only give the sullen soul image, but you also have to tell why that soul is in the shape it is in.

Your first line,
"I don't know what you've done to me" with nothing to support it leaves your listener in a wrench. What "did you done to me"? As a listener, I'm more interested in what and why it was done, not just that it was done. I'm a sponge waiting for water!
Your listener is not a dumb person. They can identify with many, many scenarios. On the other hand, they truly want to hear the singers story, how it relates to them, and what the singer did to resolve it.

Your chorus suggests a person cheated on someone else, however, there is nothing in the verses that references or supports "cheating". They should go hand in hand. The verse to be used as a means of getting to the chorus. In other words, the verses should tell a small tale about the alleged "action" of cheating and the chorus to be the climax of the singers revelation that cheating has, in fact, happened.

As well, nix on the f-words. They don't go well in any song. When I see writers use these words, I feel like they have not used their writing time to the best of their abilities. There are plenty and more colorful ways to describe that f-up'd feeling without using the "the word". Besides, no one really wants to hear it. It's only a momentary shock factor and the only people who would be affected by it would be the younger kids who would giggle because they just heard "the f-word" ....Louie, Louie



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Les

[Metallica ROCKS!!!]

thanks for the info i have scrapped the whole song lol its just i want to get into song writing but i have no clue of how to get started. if by any chance you or ne one else could give me some outlines of song writing it would be greatly appreciated.

cheers

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Metallica ROCKS!!!

thanks for the info i have scrapped the whole song lol its just i want to get into song writing but i have no clue of how to get started. if by any chance you or ne one else could give me some outlines of song writing it would be greatly appreciated.

cheers

Well, we've got a ways to go on getting out songwriting info into the forum, but we'll definitely contribute more in the future! But check out what's there now in the posts and the stickies in the songwriting forum.

And consider not scrapping the song. Consider working on fleshing out ideas as Les has suggested. Doing this is a part of learning songwriting. It's kinda like working out the songwriting muscles.

Steve

[Metallica ROCKS!!!]

cool thanks for that!!!

cheers

[Lcjones]

Hey M-Rocks,

I hope you didn't "file 13" your lyric based on my reply. That certainly was and "is" not my intent.

There are several song writers on the board and that will be more than happy to help!

As far as an outline to songwriting, well, suffice it to say there are a million reams written on the subject and a million different opinions to go with them.

As a first step, there is no right or wrong way to write a song.
Second step, there are rules and formulas for writing songs.
Third step, when you know the rules, you can break them anyway you want!

If you want, keep you lyric, don't discard it. I'd be willing to work with you on it.

Understand though, that writing a lyric, while as simple as some lyrics seem, is a tough job. But as the Great Red Green would say, "we're in this together. I'm pullin' for ya".

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[Metallica ROCKS!!!]

nah i still got it written down on a peice of paper so its all good.
i sereously aprecciate all of your help its awesome

and yeah that would be cool if you could help me out on it to give me the little push out of the nest.
your a good bloke, thanks

[Chaotic Kittie]

Originally Posted by Lcjones

As well, nix on the f-words. They don't go well in any song. When I see writers use these words, I feel like they have not used their writing time to the best of their abilities. There are plenty and more colorful ways to describe that f-up'd feeling without using the "the word". Besides, no one really wants to hear it. It's only a momentary shock factor and the only people who would be affected by it would be the younger kids who would giggle because they just heard "the f-word" ....Louie, Louie

In most cases I agree with you, I disapprove of pointless use of "f***ing" and "f***", however, at times I feel it's a very "good" word to use. Not good in it's own right, really, but more because it reflects reality. the f word is commonly used, and more common in certain subcultures, so if the lyrics reflect such situations, cultures or persons, it'd sound very wrong to me to use a another word that lacks that particular sort of attitude. Lyrics often reflect reality, the f-word is part of reality. Though I do agree when it comes to lyrics where they use to f-word only as a shock factor... that nearly always sound off. But as most things, of course, it's all about taste.

Just my $0.02.

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Chaotic Kittie

In most cases I agree with you, I disapprove of pointless use of "f***ing" and "f***", however, at times I feel it's a very "good" word to use. Not good in it's own right, really, but more because it reflects reality. the f word is commonly used, and more common in certain subcultures, so if the lyrics reflect such situations, cultures or persons, it'd sound very wrong to me to use a another word that lacks that particular sort of attitude. Lyrics often reflect reality, the f-word is part of reality. Though I do agree when it comes to lyrics where they use to f-word only as a shock factor... that nearly always sound off. But as most things, of course, it's all about taste.

Just my $0.02.

True, and I understand what you're saying. But I would say that if a songwriter wants their tune accepted by a wider audience then they would do well to leave the word out all together. There's better words to be used out there, imo. The word doesn't convey much more than general angst. That angst can be described better to draw in the audience. Yah, I agree with the reality part. But there's a difference, and the word is accepted differently, when the word is used as a noun modifier and when it's used as a verb!! Just a couple of thoughts...

Steve

[CanuckTodd]

Hey Metallica Rocks,
Don't stop. Don't even slow down.
What do I know. But for what it's worth...
The best songs are always based on authentic experiences. If you've got one to work with, then as tough as it is, use it.
Do as most good writers, just open up a vein and bleed. (but please... not literally!)
The more fresh and vivid the experience, the more likely you'll write something great. If you have to recreate the memories, or the mood or the pain, you can manufacture something that approaches good, but often it won't be great.

[Metallica ROCKS!!!]

thanks for everything guys im trying to write the song but i dont think i have the insperation any more cos i dont really care about her any more so should i think about writing a new song on a different experience??? its either that or i could get some help to finish the song so i have something to look at when im writing my next song.

[Matty22]

noun modifier and when it's used as a verb

I know my english skills are lacking, but a verb is a type of word that describes something you are doing, right? like... *playing* the guitar
and a noun modifier, is describing something? like, the yellow cat?

I do apologise for the pre school english question.

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Matty22

I do apologise for the pre school english question.

Na, na, don't worry about that. I'm often wrong about these sorts of things! But yes, a verb is an action word. And a noun modifier is a word that describes a noun.

There should be someone coming by and correcting me any minute

But I guess my point is that learning some of this stuff would be good if you're learning to write.

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Metallica ROCKS!!!

thanks for everything guys im trying to write the song but i dont think i have the insperation any more cos i dont really care about her any more so should i think about writing a new song on a different experience??? its either that or i could get some help to finish the song so i have something to look at when im writing my next song.

Well, if it doesn't inspire you any more, maybe start on something that does. But don't throw it away. Just file it and maybe you'll decide to come back to it. I've got a notebook full of 'ideas' and half written songs.

If you want to work on it some more that's great. Maybe look at it, do a re-write (maybe just change a thing here or there if you want) and post it again. Then we'll jump in with some suggestions.

Steve

[Lcjones]

... or if uninspired because the singer got jilted by a cheating partner, turn it around and write from the perspective of a singer that is glad it's over and now a free bird ....


just a thought ... ;
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