[krissovo]

Hi all I suffer badly from dyslexia and a lack of creativity so this is a big first me.....song writing!

Its about meeting a great woman who the man (I wonder who?) meets a one in a million girl and struggles with his feelings for a while. Anyway here are the lyrics that will go with the tune I have posted here:

Ear punnishment time!

The verses are the slightly depressing minor chords, it perks up a bit for the chorus with major chords. Any feedback would be great

When my skies are dark and grey
You really chase those storm clouds away
You're are what they meant
When people say they are heaven sent

When I met you
I couldn't seem to forget you
And I always seem to find
That you are always on my mind
I feel so happy around you
I thank god that I found you
You wanted to be friends?
But there my feelings just dont end

Oh when I see you smile
It makes my life worthwhile
And since the very start
You have been a big piece of my heart

When I met you
I couldn't seem to forget you
And I always seem to find
That you are always on my mind
I feel so happy around you
I thank god that I found you
You wanted to be friends?
But there my feelings just don't end

I was afraid to tell you
I didn't know what you would do
Ive never felt this way before
Its honest love and thats for sure

When I met you
I couldn't seem to forget you
And I always seem to find
That you are always on my mind
I feel so happy around you
I thank god that I found you
You wanted to be friends?
But there my feelings just dont end

I am still working on the final verse, thats the big conclusion where I am now "In like flyn" as they say with my dream woman. I will also change the last chorus from "You wanted to be friends? But there my feelings just don't end" to something along the lines of we are now lovers but I am stuck with this one so any help would be appreciated as ever.

[coldethyl]

It's looking good. I'm no expert when it comes to lyrical content etc, but it seems like your on the right track.

When you get it completed and play it with your band, you just never know but the woman of your dreams may be out in the audience listening to it.

[peterm]

Hi Krissovo

Good first effort. I don't claim to be an expert in songwriting myself so please see this more as an observation than an in depth critique

Probably more important than rhyming is getting an even feel in the matching lines, what I try and do is count the syllables in each line or pair of lines to see how they would fit into the bars of a song. a difference of one or maybe two syllables can be taken care of with phrasing any more than that makes for harder work, so just playing around a little with words, like subsituting "you're" for "you are" or vice versa or dropping/adding an adjective you can usually even it up.

from
When my skies are dark and grey 7
You really chase those storm clouds away 9
You're are what they meant 5 (big change)
When people say they are heaven sent 9
to
When my skies are dark and grey 7
You really chase those clouds away 8
(you have already said in the first line that the clouds are dark and grey so dropping "storm" doesn't hurt it)
You are just what people meant 7
When someone says they're heaven sent 8

With the final verse because you are wrapping things up, you can make it slightly reflective by playing with the tenses, start by looking at it in the past which is where the rest of the song now is, touch briefly on the present to explain you have made her yours and then finish with a hopeful look to the future.

and then I met you
There was no way I could forget you
for I would always to find
That you were always on my mind
because one thing I knew was true
I could not be happy without you
And now we're so much more than friends
Don't let these feelings ever end

I had a listen to your mp3 and it sounds good, I think it will work well. I look forward to hearing you put it all together. I'll be in Ireland in July, You're band should be cranking by then, I'll keep an eye out for you

Cheers

Peter

[krissovo]

Originally Posted by peterm

I had a listen to your mp3 and it sounds good, I think it will work well. I look forward to hearing you put it all together. I'll be in Ireland in July, You're band should be cranking by then, I'll keep an eye out for you

Cheers

Peter

Thanks Peter the syllables did make the start odd, I shall have another mess around with this tonight and see where I end up. Its funny as tonight I have no creativity at all and yesterday I put a tune and a set of lyrics together, I cannot even add and extra word....oh well hopefully the lead singer can add his touch.

If your near Cork give me a shout, live music every night and some great intimate locations. Plus the beer, women and craic is mighty!