[Matty22]

Here are some lyrics that a friend has given me to have a look at for her.

I am completely lost as to how to advise her on this, as, to put it bluntly, i really dont see it going anywhere.

Some of the things i did saw was..
-The verses are too long
-Doesnt make sense, or tell a story (when i asked what story she intended to tell with this story, she said she didnt know )
-The rhymes seem to perfect to me, almost like the song has been written by finding the rhymes...

She has asked me to try and come up with some chords she can play along with it, but i cant really get a hinkling of a vocal melody for it, and she says she doesnt have one, which doesnt make sense (to me anyway), i tend to write, with the melody and story i am trying to tell in mind, so i can try and remain to the point somewhat.

Anyway, i figured id stick it up here and see what the experts have to say, anybody who has read any of my offerings knows i am far from an expert myself.

I just want some honest opinions on this, so i have somewhere to go with advising her on it.

Thanks. Matty

Verse 1.
--------
Tortured and twisted, not o be trusted,
Let’s see what it takes till I feel disgusted.
Twisted and bend, till I’m not me,
Drowning in this sea of conspiracy.
Life its self could be much worse,
Is it really living in a curse.
Can’t see it from your point of view,
But if I could would it be true.
All the time you were helping me,
Weather it worked I can not guarantee.
Seeping into the pit of despair,
And through out it all you were unaware.

Chorus.
-------
Inside I was black and blue,
And for that I thank-you.
My heart was tangled and bruised,
Never could I feel so used.

Verse 2.
--------
In the quiet city I sleep,
But inside my nightmares creep.
All these feelings I can not hide,
Wake me from this life, I’ve tried.
Beside me al I see is pain,
Like a thundering, crashing rain.
The darkness spreads like a growing tree,
I run so hard but can never flee.
All this time we have shared,
It was I fight that you declared.
Wishing I was no where here,
But somewhere near the next frontier.

Chorus.
-------
Inside I was black and blue,
And for that I thank-you.
My heart was tangled and bruised,
Never could I feel so used.

Verse 3.
--------
Broken and damaged till I’m not me,
Now my life’s a misery.
Can’t wait till I’m free to escape,
Thinking it’s my biggest mistake.
All the time I was in the cloud,
Was it because I was always so proud.
I was just a mental wreckage,
Nothing but a mangled package.
Now I’m left to drag this load,
Do I have to walk this road.
I was once happy and bright,
To be worried, I was right.

Bridge.
-------
Speaking I’m a secret code,
Fearing that I might explode.
Now the sun is shinning bright,
But still I can not take flight.

Chorus.
-------
Inside I am black and blue,
And for that I thank-you.
My heart is tangled and bruised,
Never can I feel more used.

[scotty_b]

Is she an English cricket supporter?
My response, from a cursory reading, is that the same thing is re-iterated throughout - she is not a happy little sunbeam. As you said Matty, it doesn't really go anywhere.
Verse length is OK - many songs use long verses (see Dylan for that one!)
Does your friend have any ideas for a melody?

[Matty22]

Scotty, i asked her what she was writting a song about and what vocal and musical melodies she had in mind, but my only response was "i havent thought about it"

[carol m]

This will not be easy to do. Clearly these lyrics are 'heart-felt' which means you will have to be careful not to hurt her feelings if you try to advise her. The first 2 lines really set the tone and I think most people would find it over-stated and 'over-blown'. I don't know how you could suggest the lyrics should be more subtle and less specific,for example more enigmatic - which leaves more to the listner's imagination and allows room for some 'mystery'. In fact, maybe you can't say anything at all about the lyrics themselves without upsetting her. Maybe it's best just to come up with a chord progression that will 'fit' (if you can) and not even get into a discussion of the lyrics at all.

I'm certainly no expert, but I just get the feeling that you have to tread carefully - this is a potential mine-field - for her as well as you. Good luck

[Matty22]

Hmm, being 6'5" and 200lbs me and thin ice dont go down well....

I think your probably right Carol, ill give that a crack and go into hiding for a while

Thanks guys

Matty

[cshude]

Hmmmm- how depressing and paranoid. I particularly don't get the chorus. Is she thanking the guy for dumping on her? If so, why? Is that what it took to get out from under him? Did he not realize how badly he made her feel? Why does she feel like the world is out to get her? Just a few things to throw out there to think about. It would be nice to see a ray of sunshine by the end of the song as well.

[allthumbs]

As Les has said. There are two kinds of songs, personal and commercial. This is clearly the first so really strict song construction rules are not as crucial. It is more of a vent than a song. Considering she has put no thought into style or melody, I wouldn't put too much energy into it.

[Doug]

Like every first draft (and I suspect this was just a stream of (sub)consciousness type of thing) it needs some work. But there's some good lines in there too. The first few lines certainly catch your atttention - would work well in rap. It breaks down a bit at "Life its self could be much worse..." Loses any focus it might have had the potential of having. The second line of the chorus "And for that I thank you" maybe could be changed to "blame you".

Second and third verses have some promising lines as well but need to be more focussed.

On the whole, I'd try to soften the cadence - it wears a bit thin. The rhyming scheme is tedious as well - I'd suggest loosening it up. Rework all the Yoda dialect - for example "To be worried, I was right." - mangling the sentance to conform to a rhyme scheme is jarring. Someone earlier said that it looked like the contents were dictated by rhymes rather than intended meaning. It would be an interesting exercise for her to rewrite the whole thing in prose - no rhymes at all - to capture what it is she really wants to say. Then when she's happy with what it's saying she could work on adding rhymes without taking away the intended meaning.

[Matty22]

I have kinda taken this on as a learning exercise for me, as much as for her.

And since i couldnt sleep last night i went through and put some comments throught the original song she sent me, and also had a rough (very rough) crack at rewriting it into something, that i can at least help her with musically as she asked me to do.

This wont let me attach word documents, so heres a link to the two

fukawi-1.4t.com/comments.doc - This is my comments throughout her original song

fukawi-1.4t.com/revise.doc - this is me farting about with it, and trimming it back to a more concise song, removing the lines just for filling time, and such. But also trying to keep to the original as much as i could, which isnt easy when i didnt write it in the first place.

I dont know weather my friend will see these or not, its mainly more for my own experience...

Thanks guys

[carol m]

Doug has said it might work as rap and I think he has something there. I can 'hear' it as a rap 'rant' and the strong rhyming and rhythm kind of suits that (I'm by no means an expert on rap though)