[eXperiment63]

'Losing My Grip'

Please tell me
Which way I should go
This hollowness is eating at my soul
I wish I
Could turn back the clock
And take away, all the pain that I brought

I'm losing my grip on you
I'm losing my sanity now
Memories of you are fading
I wish I could hold you now

Please hold me
Keep me close in dreams
'Cause this moment is what a dream should be
Don't forget
How you helped me grow
And let me dream, together we'll grow old

I'm losing my grip on you
I'm losing my sanity now
Memories of you are fading
I wish I could hold you now

Would have died
Just to have your love
Would've held on tight, never given up
Really cared
And yes I still do
Would've gave it all, to be there with you

I'm losing my grip on you[x3]
I wish I could hold you now

[solidwalnut]

I like it. Good job. I like how it flows in the verses. You begin with three syllables, five in the next line, and then follow it up with 8 or 10 in the third line, then you repeat the pattern. Just a couple of thoughts:

Originally Posted by eXperiment63

Please tell me
Which way I should go
This hollowness is eating at my soul
I wish I
Could turn back the clock
And take away, all the pain that I brought

All the pain that I brought? What does this mean, that you were unfair to her? It's not that it's a bad line, it's just that I don't get exactly what you're trying to say.

Originally Posted by eXperiment63

Would have died
Just to have your love
Would've held on tight, never given up
Really cared
And yes I still do
Would've gave it all, to be there with you

This flows nicely. But I'm confused. You start by saying, 'Would have died...' and then in the third line you say, 'would've held on tight, never given up', which to me seems to be outside the focus of this verse. Again, I don't think it's bad, it's just a bit confusing.

The only other comment is that I like the chorus, but it seems to lack a 'zinger', or something to remember the song by. The last line would be a good place to think about reworking the verbiage to give the song that 'hook'.

As usual, take what you need from my comments and leave the rest. Great job overall.

Steve

[eXperiment63]

Ehhhhhhhhhh.... Here is the other side of that song. ;P

This one is obviously a lot darker. The original one I had written a long time ago, but was still working on it. That is until She did something unthinkable the day after I posted it. Well here is the other side of the coin, a much darker, angrier song:

'Invisible'

Trying to remember,
My reasons why,
Why I befriended you.
Looking at the image,
I can't remember - Why I trusted you.

Do you remember - Our encounters?
Do you even know my name?
Am I worthy?
You can't see me, I'm invisible to you.

Please help me;
I'm drowning.
Drowning in despair.
Looking; I'm searching,
Searching for air.
Found the strength within.

Do you remember - Our encounters?
Do you even know my name?
Am I worthy?
You can't see me, I'm invisible to you.

No longer do I need - need your presence.
Strong enough, I searched within.
No more choking, no more gasping;
I finally found fresh air.
Get out of my life, You're no longer -
Welcome there.

Do you remember - Our encounters?
Do you even know my name?
Am I worthy?
You can't see me, I'm invisible to you.

[Bridge]

Do you remember - Our encounters?
Do you even know my name?
Am I worthy?
You can't see me, I'm invisible to you.

::As always, comments on how good, or horrible, it is are welcome. If you have a suggestion, leave it. I don't mind being told something doesn't seem right.

[solidwalnut]

Well, this one is obvious venting. It has much less form. But that doesn't matter. I think this one has less to do with creating a lyric that others might enjoy and is definitely you just saying what's on your heart. And that's ok. Just my opinion.

[eXperiment63]

Honestly... It does have a form, it's just you have to be able to hear the music and note holds in your head to hear the form, haha.

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by eXperiment63

Honestly... It does have a form, it's just you have to be able to hear the music and note holds in your head to hear the form, haha.

Oh, I totally believe you. The music would tell the story. It's just that the lyric doesn't flow as nicely.