[Matty22]

I tried to post a couple of songs as word documents, but apparently they are invalid files.. so ill just do one for now, and if there arent TOO many death threats, ill post more, lol....

This is my latest offering of lyrical diarrhoea.. All comments welcome, and appreciated.

The Darkness Of The Night
--------------------------
[Verse 1]
An old man walks the road
Where a young boy once had strode
But he just begins to see
Just who he used to be

Though he couldn’t see the way
For the light could not be seen
Not knowing the safest way
Or where to find the means


[Chorus]
All the thoughts he cannot keep
Though the cold still burns him deep
In the darkness of the night
Still he carries on the fight


[Verse 2]
But all he keeps inside
Isn’t there for you to see
What has he got, for all these bribes
What is left that shall not be
For a man who paid the price
Through the glimmer of the night
With another roll of the dice
Where its all been done in spite


[Chorus]


[Verse 3]
The old man begins to crawl
Where once he stood tall
No prouder man ever (*) stood
Way back in his man hood

Strongest man across the land
Can you ever understand
Just what this mans been through
Standing in this endless queue

[Chorus]


[Verse 4]
Now through the light he sees
He’s not all that he could be
And as the fog lifts high
He knows the end is nigh

When his clothes turn to white
As he prepares to die
He contemplates his fate
And walks towards the light

[Hilch]

Nice Mattty

I can guess what this stands for (*) I personally would leave it out

It is not needed in my opinion

Nice writting

Trev...

[Matty22]

whoops, that was a note i had in there, to perhaps come up with something different there....
im not sure how to vocalise that. perhaps just saying asterix, lol....

[allthumbs]

The Darkness Of The Night
--------------------------
[Verse 1]
An old man walks the road--A
Where a young boy once had strode--A --looking behind
But he just begins to see--B
Just who he used to be--B

Though he couldn’t see the way--A -- looking ahead. join them by changing Though to
For the light could not be seen--B-----Cause he couldn't see the way.
Not knowing the safest way--A
Or where to find the means--B


[Chorus]
All the thoughts he cannot keep--A
Though the cold still burns him deep--A
In the darkness of the night--B
Still he carries on the fight--B


[Verse 2]
But all he keeps inside--A
Isn’t there for you to see--B
What has he got, for all these bribes--A
What is left that shall not be--B

For a man who paid the price--A
Through the glimmer of the night--B
With another roll of the dice--A--who rolled the dice
Where its all been done in spite--B--who was spiteful?


[Chorus]


[Verse 3]
The old man begins to crawl--A
Where once he stood tall--A
No prouder man ever (*) stood--B--the last to lines don't flow very well IMO
Way back in his man hood--B

Strongest man across the land--A
Can you ever understand--A
Just what this mans been through--B
Standing in this endless queue--B

[Chorus]


[Verse 4]
Now through the light he sees--A
He’s not all that he could be--A--
And as the fog lifts high--B
He knows the end is nigh--B


When his clothes turn to white--A--complete change in rhyming pattern
As he prepares to die--?
He contemplates his fate--?
And walks towards the light--A

I wrote out the rhyming pattern for you. As you can see, you used two different patterns. the AABB and the ABAB. usually you would use just one. You could have treated it as an extended pattern if you were consistent and went AABBABAB, repeat for the song. The verse with the ? is where you broke both patterns.
A good story but, it leaves some questions. What would make a proud strong man take all those bribes? There are some nice turns of phrase in there and some good imagery. I could see John Prine singing this. It just needs a little more polish and understanding of rhyme patterns. Good one.

[Matty22]

Thanks again AT, the rhyming thing seems to really get me. ill think on it some more... treat this one as a "first draft" so to speak

[cshude]

AT- that was what jumped out at me as well. Wanna write some lyrics for me? I've got at least a dozen songs waiting for words...

[allthumbs]

Originally Posted by cshude

AT- that was what jumped out at me as well. Wanna write some lyrics for me? I've got at least a dozen songs waiting for words...

I'm flattered but, I get obsessed with words. I had to quit a writing course because I could never hand in anything on time. I would spend half an hour crafting one sentence. I would probably have a nervous breakdown if I tried to write serious lyrics and you would have to wait months if not years for a finished song.

[cshude]

LOL- I've got songs that are over a year old that don't even have a hint of a lyric. I really do need to find someone to work with on the lyrics end. I could be so much more productive. People who have great talents for both impress me so much.

[Matty22]

Taking your advise in mind, ive made a few changes to this song.. Lemme know what you guys think (even if it is "dont give up your day job" lol)
Ive put astrixes at most of the changes

[Verse 1]
An old man walks the road
Where a young boy once had strode
But he just begins to see
Just who he used to be

*Cause he couldn’t see the way
For the light could not be seen
Not knowing the safest way
Or where to find the means


[Chorus]
All the thoughts he cannot keep
Though the cold still burns him deep
In the darkness of the night

Still he carries on the fight (this line in the chorus changes each time)


[Verse 2]
But all he keeps inside
What he’s got, for all these bribes
Isn’t there for you to see
What is left that shall not be

For a man who paid the price
Through the glimmer of the night
With another roll of the dice
He sees this, his one last right*


[Chorus]
Can he still carry on the fight?

[Verse 3]
The old man begins to crawl
Where once he had stood tall
A proud man used to stand
A man who stood so grand *

The strongest man that ever stood
Through all that seamed to be true *
That never did much good *
Standing in this endless queue



[Chorus]
Still he carries on the fight

[Verse 4]
Now through the light he sees
He’s not all that he could be
And as the fog lifts high
He knows the end is nigh

While his clothes turn white *
When he nears upon the gate *
He walks towards the light *
And he comes to see his fate *


[Chorus]
He finally lies among the light

[allthumbs]

*Cause he couldn’t see the way
For the light could not be seen
Not knowing the safest way-- no path to guide him through his day
Or where to find the means-- no place to find the means.

You needed to have only one way in the verse. Just an idea.


All the thoughts he cannot keep
Though the cold still burns him deep
In the darkness of the night
He still won't let go the fight. (flows better and gives more info as to his charactor)
Still he carries on the fight (this line in the chorus changes each time)


But all he keeps inside
What he’s got, for all these bribes---- he- those,past tense unless he is still taking them.
Isn’t there for you to see
What is left that shall not be


For a man who paid the price
Through the glimmer of the night
With another throw of the dice
He sees this, his one last right*
I would change right to rite as in ritual. He is fighting because he always has fought, there is no joy in it anymore. He is old and tired.


The old man begins to crawl
Where once he had stood tall-- when once he stood so tall
A proud man used to stand--A proud man on his knees
A man who stood so grand *--no one to heed his pleas

The strongest man who ever stood
Through all that seamed to be true --through all that seemed so true
That never did much good --It never worked out as it should
Standiing in this endless queue-- now he is standing in this queue


Now he is standing in this queue- not endless. ends in the next verse.

The time line needs to be changed here fog lifts, then light


And as the fog lifts high
He knows (the) end is nigh-- his
Now through the light he has seen
He’s not the man he should of been

The last verse doesn't really work. Too generic. You may want to rethink it.


While his clothes turn white *
When he nears upon the gate *
He walks towards the light *
And he comes to see his fate *

That last verse is going to be tough. I think it needs to signify his death and redemption both. I hope I haven't stepped on the feel you were going for in this tune. I see it as a strong, proud man who made some bad choices that affected the rest of his life. His pride kept him going even though his heart wasn't in it anymore. I see his death as making peace with himself and the choices he made. Lets think about a last verse for a while and see what pops up.

[allthumbs]

This might work. The first line still gives it the religious overtones of the original verse. Now I will post it with all the changes and you can keep what you like and throw out the rest.

And as the fog lifts high
He knows (the) end is nigh-- his
Now through the light he has seen
He’s not the man he should of been

A redemption came on angels wings
B At last he's earned his peace
A False pride was just an empty thing
BAnd now he's at ease.

[allthumbs]

This is what it looks like cleaned up.

Whew, another marathon of writing. I may have put too much of my own spin on this. It reminds me of my father in law. I hope he found redemption and peace in the final moments of his life. As usual. Keep what you can use and chuck the rest. I tried to keep true to the religious nature of the original final verse. as you can see the final verse changes the interpretation of the proceeding choruses into a bitter sweet irony thing. I like putting twists like that in my work'




[Verse 1]
An old man walks down the road
Where a young boy once had strode
But he has just begun to see
Who he really used to be

*Cause he couldn’t see the way
For the light could not be seen
no path to guide him through his day
no place to find the means



[Chorus]
All the thoughts he cannot keep
Though the cold still burns him deep
In the darkness of the night
Still he won't let go the fight


But all he keeps inside
What he got, for all those bribes
Isn’t there for you to see
What is left that shall not be

A man who's paid the price
Through the glimmer of the night
With a throw of the dice
He sees this as his one last rite


[Chorus]
Can he still carry on the fight?


The strongest man that ever stood
Through all that seemed so true
It never worked out as it should
Now he's standing in this queue

The old man begins to crawl
Where once he stood so tall
A proud man down on his knees
No one cares to heed his pleas

[Chorus]
Still he carries on the fight

And as the fog lifts high
He knows his end is nigh
Now through the light he sees
He’s not the man he should of been

Redemption comes on angels wings
He knows he's earned his final peace
False pride is just an empty thing
And now he's at his ease.

[solidwalnut]

Matty--

This is really the start of a great tune. Marty's been working hard with ya on this one. Lots of good stuff coming from both of you.

I just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement. You've got some great thoughts going on this song. It's always just a matter of expressing it the right way, huh??! Easier said than done, for sure. Try and express yourself with what you really want to say rather than forcing rhymes. One tool is by using near-rhymes. It can help you maintain the focus. I'm not being critical of your work! Just some friendly advice from an old songwriter.

Steve