[Doug]

I'd like to share this. I don't have any music for it yet. It's pretty dark and moody. Any suggestions on improving it would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Doug

End of My Dreams

Glass shatters, flames ignite
Cold tanks roll in the heat of the night
cold tanks roll, while hot blood streams
and you slowly undress at the end of my dreams

(you gently caress at the end of my dreams)

I hear the clock beat as I lie in my bed
my fear is an animal that hasn't been fed
my fear is famished wolf that screams
and my fear becomes you at the end of my dreams

(you reveal your face at the end of my dreams)

beyond all experience, beyond all our history
way back through the caves of crystalline mystery
back into the caves of the african night
we'll seek you there where there is no light

we’ll seek you there…
so ancient
We’ll find you there…
so young
We’ll feel you there…
so vibrant
we'll be you there...
so strong

[allthumbs]

B interesting to hear it with music. The last two verses, you change from singular to plural. From personal to generalization. I am not so sure the last two verses work. Your talking about how your feeling on a gut level and then switching to a less earthy more etherial viewpoint. I think it would be stronger kept down to earth. Good luck with it.

[metalkour]

very nice
keep it up

[Doug]

Thanks, metalkour and Allthumbs.

I think you're right, Allthumbs. There needs to be a transition to get you from the personal to the general.

One thought for a transition verse (that doesn't quite work for me) is...

God turns lonely eyes away
now the predator becomes the prey
nothing really is as it seems
there's fear in your eyes at the end of my dreams

I kinda like it but it moves me away from the connection to whatever it is in the cave or at the end of my dreams (or whatever) that the last verses talk about.
Thanks for your patience, everyone. I know it's a little over the top - not your average love song.

-Doug

[allthumbs]

God turns lonely eyes away
now the predator becomes the prey
nothing really is as it seems
there's fear in your eyes at the end of my dreams

Strong lines but, lots of mixed messages in there. Why is God lonely. What is the connection between God turning his eyes away and predator becomes prey. Nothing what it seems. Works for predator line but, does that include God. Did he really turn away or not.
I think you need more verses to flesh out the first part to explain why this guy is in this state. Right now it could be anything form losing a girl to being a serial killer. I would make a separate complete verse around God turns his eyes away and put a new first line over the predator line, maybe explaining that idea further. Just some thoughts.

[Doug]

It's hard to articulate what's behind the lyrics - there's no story line per se. I'm trying to explore the lure of the primordial, wild, uncivilised force. Sort of a heart of darkness thing.
The first verse talks about the use of force and violence - how thin the veneer of civilzation. And yet the lust for power is compelling.
The second verse is along the same lines - fearing the knock on the door in the middle of the night. I make an allusion to a famished wolf being the frightened beast - and yet a wolf is a predator.
The new third verse probably goes too general too fast and also adds some mixed messages as you said. The lonely eyes of God refers to a lack of communication between people and God - he has no influence. The predator and prey thing is the switching of roles - succumbing to the power of the wild. The last line "there's fear in your eyes at the end of my dreams" I kinda like, but as I said it doesn't really work in the poem because the idea is that there is supposed to be a melding with the force at the end of the dreams. Maybe "your eyes are smiling at the end of my dreams" would be better.
Then the next verse - the general one - kinda wraps it up, talking about the lure of getting back in touch with that primordial force. The final verse is sort a finishing chant that might fade out to end the song. Maybe two voices doing it in an overlapped way.
Thanks again for your patience and suggestions - I appreciate them. It's all a bit grandiose.