[Matty22]

My sister used to write a bit of poetry. Since ive started playing around with guitars, she has given me some of her stuff to see if it could be turned into a song. But i seem to really struggle with the lyrics side of things, especially. So i figured what better place to get some feedback than here?

Here is the original as she wrote it
--------------------------------
Old as time
-----------

a lonelyold man looks forward to nothing
he sees his youth in youth around
he sees his past in their future
he sees his future in this cemetary
and this cemetary sees his future

he walks among the shadows of night
and sees his past before him
a youth deceased on the doorstep
seringe in hand, the flesh still warm yet not a tear was shed

he continues to walk to see his present
the addiction never died
but time had taken from this man
and now it could take no more

it had taken his youth
his happiness
his life

and so he stood
a broken man
his life and oblivion
he opens his arms in and attempt to embrace the whole of london

he closes his eyes
and free falls to the death of a life unlived
and in the instrant before his unruley fate
londons streets and alleyways all echoed 12 strikes
along with father time
--------------------------------
and here is the version i bastardised, to make it fit better, well, relatively.
--------------------------------
[v]
a lonely old man, looks back on life
he sees his youth, in the youth around
he sees his past, in their future
he sees his future in a grave


[v]
he walks among, the shadows at night
and sees his past, laid out ahead
a youth deceased, on this doorstep
yet not a tear will fall

[v]
he continues to walk, into the night
the same addictions, never die
but time has taken, from this man
now he'll give no more

[solo/interlude]

[v]
and so he stands, a broken man
his life in an, ob-liv-ion
he opens his heart, to a world gone by
while closing his mind in shame


[v]
free fall, to the end of a life
and in this moment, before his fate
the streets and alleys, echo 12 strikes
counting away this night

[v - no words]

[v]
a lonely old man, looks forward to nothing
he sees his youth, in the youth around
he sees his past, in their future
he sees a future in his grave
---------------------------------------
i know theres no chorus, and it probably doesnt really fit in with any songwriting formats, but the melody i have (im not a singer mind you) fits really well with the music..

ive attached a quick dodgy recording (and playing for that matter) to sorta give the feel for the music.. im not sure what to do for the interlude/solo bit, but that can come later.

Any thoughts comments? feedback? death threats? critique? etc etc...

[Hilch]

Na no death threats anyway ..

The only problem I have with this Matty , is the amount of lines that start with
He

It's a very repeatative way to write a verse and I believe it becomes a tad annoying after a while . I understand the the story and it must be told as close as you can to the original from your sister . But I am just wondering if some of those
He words could be replaced ?
Just an example and please this is just my 2 cents worth ..

a lonely old man, looks back on life
he sees his youth, in the youth around
he sees his past, in their future
he sees his future in a grave

This lonely old man .............
Seeing his youth .........
Is he seeing his past....
He sees his future ....

To me matty this reads a bit better , anyway congrats to you and your sister I like this ...


Trev......

[allthumbs]

Have you read my sticky about lyric construction? It might help to analyze what is going on lyrically and show you where changes could be made.
Lyric Construction Basics

[Matty22]

Allthumbs, i have read through both those threads, and understood them. im just really dreadful at this song writting caper. I agree with hilch, now that i think about it, with the excessive "he"'s. ill have a think about it while im out of town, see if i can reword a bit there.

I did think of using the first verse as a chorus, but it bugged me, and i cant place why... i think even though it doesnt have a chorus, and doesnt fit any standards, it works, well for me anyway... that being said of course, i put it here so it could be pulled apart and suggestions made.

ill have a look thru your guides again allthumbs, more objectively, relating them back to the song specifically

[allthumbs]

Ok, It fell in place for me when I imagined the group singing it. Blue Rodeo would suite this tune.
[v]
a lonely old man, looks back on life
he sees his youth, in the youth around- kids around?
he sees his past, in their future
he sees his future in a grave- future fading out


[v]
he walks among, the shadows at night
and sees his past, laid out ahead- feels his past pulling at his sleaves
a youth deceased, on this doorstep- a child deceased in his doorway.
yet not a tear will fall

[v]
he continues to walk, into the night
the same addictions, never die
but time has taken, from this man- time has fled
now he'll give no more- now he'll take

[solo/interlude]

[v]
and so he stands, a broken man
his life in an, ob-liv-ion -life is
he opens his heart, to a world gone by- His open wound dripping memories
while closing his mind in shame -

[v]
free fall, to the end of a life- freefalling
and in this moment, before his fate This verse would represent the moment of
the streets and alleys, echo 12 strikes-death
counting away this night

[v - no words] -Bridge

[v]
a lonely old man, looks forward to nothing Bridge- I would put this verse in the past
he sees his youth, in the youth around- tense.
he sees his past, in their future
he sees a future in his grave--He saw his future fade away.

You left out the kid O.D, ing in your friends lyrics. It leaves a question of the connection between the man and kid. You need a verse to explain it. The way it stands he could be a child killer or anything. This tune has potential. I liked the changes you made. The non rhyming scheme worked well for you. Keep polishing it. As usual take what you can use from me and chuck the rest. Have fun.
---------------------------------------

[Matty22]

Thanks allthumbs, once again, sound advise.
It never ceases to amaze me at just how much help the people around here put in for each other.

Thanks again, ill keep working on it, see what happens when i get the time.

[allthumbs]

Great stuff Matty. Almost a perfect example of non rhyming lyrics. Almost, because The oblivion line was proceeded by an which would be easy to rhyme with oblivion if you weren't careful. Looking forward to hearing the next version. Keep it up.