[Hilch]

Here is my latest offering as far as writting goes , hope it reads to others like it reads to me ...........


Blood , Sweat and Tears


We were only very young
Not knowing what would become
Of our care free lives
Never any dark cloudy skies
For we were so very young


Then we went and got married
I remember over the threshold you were carried
Those days seem so real
Dreams we only dared to dream
When we were so very young


For all our ...blood sweat and tears
All of our ..love calms our fears
Haveing kids , raising this family
Thats' all our blood sweat and tears


The perfect skies have now disappeared
We now know what did become
Of our young care free lives
Only ever dark cloudy skies
We are now not so young


But I wouldn't change it for the world
I'm still in love with the same girl
Never thinking about what if's
Your love is my gift


For all our ...blood sweat and tears
All of our ..love calms our fears
Haveing kids , raising this family
Thats' all our blood sweat and tears

---------------

Trev

[Hilch]

Edit : no-one will notice since no-has replied

For all our ...blood sweat and tears
All of our ..love calms our fears
Haveing kids , raising this family
This is the way life should be

and


But I wouldn't change it for the world
I'm still in love with the same girl
Never thinking about what if's
For her love is my gift


Just a couple of suttle changes that make singing it a little bit better

Trev............

[allthumbs]

Sorry. Never got around to this one.

Originally Posted by hilch

Here is my latest offering as far as writting goes , hope it reads to others like it reads to me ...........


Blood , Sweat and Tears


We were only very young -- You don't need the word only
Not knowing what would become- You need to settle on a rhyming scheme. It seems
Of our care free lives -some what haphazard.
Never any dark cloudy skies
For we were so very young


Then we went and got married
I remember over the threshold you were carried
Those days seem so real
Dreams we only dared to dream
When we were so very young


For all our ...blood sweat and tears -why blood, sweat and tears?
All of our ..love calms our fears
Haveing kids , raising this family
Thats' all our blood sweat and tears


The perfect skies have now disappeared - this verse contradicts love calms our fears
We now know what did become
Of our young care free lives
Only ever dark cloudy skies- why
We are now not so young


But I wouldn't change it for the world
I'm still in love with the same girl
Never thinking about what if's
Your love is my gift


For all our ...blood sweat and tears
All of our ..love calms our fears - don't need the word all.
Haveing kids , raising this family
Thats' all our blood sweat and tears

---------------

Trev

So you have 2 themes in this tune. One is young love based on hope. The other is love in spite of adversity. You need to define the transition. Maybe a chorus or bridge to define the change in perspective. Explain what happened. The imagery needs to be sharper.

[Hilch]

Thanks for the feed back Allthumbs
I might try to explain some of your questions ..

We were only very young -- You don't need the word only

I used only to get 5 sylabills in the line so that the next line also has 5 sylabills ..

Not knowing what would become- You need to settle on a rhyming scheme. It seems
I thought one could use inperfect rhymes ?

For all our ...blood sweat and tears -why blood, sweat and tears?
Blood from our hearts , sweat in making a family it's hard work raising kids , Tears will always be tears when one is in love

The perfect skies have now disappeared - this verse contradicts love calms our fears
Following the chorus which speaks of raising the family
( and everything that goes with that )
The narrator is speaking of the present actually right now ,,which ties into the following verse ..

I don't think it actually contradicts the calming of the fears , to me it is more of a realality check ...
Married couples do have alot of bad times as well as good ones ( or is that just me ?)

Hope that clears things up mate appreciate the feed back

[yasir aname]

Hello Hilch

I like what you written , I think this is coming from your heart and shows alot of hidden feelings . Us mere males ( Australian males ) are not too good as expressing out inner most feelings towards the ones we love . I am so delighted to read something from a Aussie who isn't affraid to say things like ,
"But I wouldn't change it for the world
I'm still in love with the same girl
Never thinking about what if's
Your love is my gift "

I am very privalaged to read such a lovely song about you and your wife , I would love to write a song myself but I don't know where to start . Maybe I can use your song for inspiration .

Yasir

[Hilch]

Yasir

thank you

write about your feelings mate , thats always a good place to start , forget about everything else just write , you can always adjust things later . Put pen to paper and start , you have a good subject to start with mate , Princess of Egypt . Why not start there ???

Hilch