Hey elwood,
Hope you don't mind me adding my two cents worth!
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after fifty odd years of married life
a lot of happiness, a little strife.
the grew up and moved away, and
i loved you more every day.
The 3rd line apprears to use "they" and the 4th line
I
As this is a song about "them", keep things in that third person realm.
The third person is who you are writing about.
chours:
i have your love here with me
to always keep me company,
i have your love here with me,
so, never lonely shall i be.
"never lonely shall I be". Most people don't talk in the "never lonely shall I be" league of language so, I would probably avoid using it. While it sounds folkie and quaint, it's not really how things are said. As well, incorporate the "third" person into the chorus.
we worked, we sweat.
we laughed, we played,
always looked forward to each day.
now , instead of seven,
there was only two,
and more and more
i depended on you,.
Is this a bridge? If it is a verse, then the meter of the verse was discarded. In the first two lines, there are four actions: worked, sweat, laughed, played. I'm sure it was a typo, but the word "sweated" should have been used. Everything is in the past except "sweat".
I don't get the "now, instead of seven, there was only two". I don't understand what you're trying to get across to me as a listener. That there was seven days and now there are only two days? I don't get it.
chours
now, instead of two
there is only one,
and as i look at the setting sun,
i pray someday i'll be with you,
when this life is done.
In this context, I get the relationship between "now, instead of two, there is only one". This I understand. Again, though, we've gone from verse 1 & 2 with 4 lines to last verse with 5 lines. Is the last line in the last verse a tag line? In other words, a line after the fact?
chours
**
Having said all that, I appreciate what you are trying to do. The sentiment is universal among long lived couples and would no doubt have a large audience. Especially these days.
As it's written, and I'm sure it's first draft, there are some inconsistancies. The first person/third person concern. You have to determine if you are writing about "them" or writing their story as if you were one of the parties. And while I advocate keeping lyric simple I think this one may be a bit to simplistic. I think some of the words don't truly pinpoint what you are wanting to say. For example, the first line:
"after fifty odd years of married life"
"fifty odd years" - It certainly covers a span of time, but I'm sure it doesn't convey the deep love these two experienced for the fifty years of married life. I mean, if this is a lyric portraying their love for one another for 50 years it must have some very beautiful words and turns of phrase included. They way it is written almost sounds like their marriage was total drudgery.
I guess what I'm saying is the story involves a tremendous amount of love that was shared between two people. The lyrics as written are not very colorful. Very ordinary for an extraordinary relationship.
Taking your idea ...... ( hope you don't mind)
They called each other bride and groom
since the day they left for their honeymoon
Fifty years they still walked down the aisle
Every single day was met with a smile
A little more colorful, but I think you get the idea. It's all about expressing their love and devotion to each other and not just fifty years worth of marriage.
Hope this helps a little!
Les
Cheer Down
