[Nem]

Over the last 2 days ive been having a really really bad time with a certain problem which I ended up writing this song about.
This is something that I didnt spend hours on and just came out, so 3 things really...
1. What do you think of it?
2. What do you think its about?
3. Any improvements?

I honestly dont think its good enough as it is and I really want to make this good so the song represents the strength of my feelings, i just dont know how

Goodbye Sunrise

Verse 1
So it came to this my love,
Take my light and run with the wind
Now our candles blown out for good,
It can’t wake and relight again

Chorus
Tho I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise
I long for tomorrow and will wait for my life
Although in my darkest day, there is no light
I will move the stars to put her sun in my sky

Verse 2
She’s the light that shows me the path,
And the hand to guide me along
Took down my shelters and all my walls,
But gave me pride and helped me stay strong

Chorus
Tho I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise
I long for tomorrow and will wait for my life
Although in my darkest day, there is no light
I will move the stars to put her sun in my sky

End

[allthumbs]

I think it has lots of potential. It probably is about losing a love.
For what it's worth. The first line,verse 1, is past tense and the rest is present tense. The last line of the verse is a little awkward and suggests a finality that isn't reflected in the rest of the song. I think the song would work better all in past tense but, that's just me.
Third line,verse 1. The candle blown out implies the light is gone so Verse two would have to be past tense "She was the Light"
I think the chorus could be reworked for more focus." and will wait for my life" Waiting for what? It seems to be an unfinished thought. You have used the word light in every verse and chorus. Think about replacing some of them with other metaphors. Ie. "I wait for tomorrow" and long for the dawn.
This has the makings of a good tune with a little polishing. Good luck with it.

[Nem]

thanks for the comments

Originally Posted by allthumbs

The last line of the verse is a little awkward and suggests a finality that isn't reflected in the rest of the song.

oh right, when i wrote it i wanted that line to sound quite final because I was hoping the chorus would kinda give the feeling that everything has ended but I wanna get it all back.
was that not the feeling you got? what was the message you got from the chorus?

I think the song would work better all in past tense but, that's just me.

yep, I kinda agree with you. if i keep everything in past tense then it gives the sense that it is all over. however would it be weird if i kept the first verse in a present tense just to say that although it is all over, these are the feelings im having now?
i dunno if it would be confusing to have a song written in 2 tenses

I think the chorus could be reworked for more focus." and will wait for my life" Waiting for what? It seems to be an unfinished thought

well the waiting was i guess in reply to waiting for tomorrow. the metaphor i tried to use was her being my sunrise, and the next one obviously comes tomorrow, so by waiting for tomorrow, im waiting/wanting her to come back, and i dont care if i wait the rest of my life for it. BUT see i thought it was a clever sentence in that it could mean 1) i will wait the rest of my life for her or 2) she was my life and im waiting for it to come back

tbh im not sure how i could say all of that in one line lol

[allthumbs]

I hear what your saying. I think you need to state more clearly that you realize it is hopeless. How about something like" I long for tomorrow that will never come"

[Lcjones]

Hey Nem,

Obviously love, no love, broken love, long distance love and just about any other "love" you can think of is what is most written about. Love, or the lack thereof, is an emotion that every single human on this earth can relate to in one way or another. So you already have a built in audience.

Songs/lyrics, as a whole, are meant to summon an emotion. Every song that you enjoy listening to, stimulates your mind, giving you a brief few minutes to share in the emotion the author created; things you personally can relate to.

There are a blue million broken heart songs/lyrics that have been written. I've written some of them. The trick is to make your broken heart song one that is unique yet touches the emotion of your listener in a way they can relate to. So how do we take a very personal thing as a broken heart and make it general enough to allow listeners to get involved and feel their own emtions from your lyric.

First thing to think about is not being too personal. The more personal it is, the less likely your audience will participate. Your listener doesn't want to get emotionally involved with your life. They want to get emotional about their own life. They want to hear about your grief but they want it in a context that relates to them.

The next thing to think about is creating the mood before they even hear the song/lyric. Catching their attention takes place right at the title. The Title/hook must be catchy, simple and easily remembered.

Goodbye Sunrise. This is directly related to your song, however, it does not give the audience any indication that this is a broken heart song. It gives you, personally, the indication because you know what "Goodbye Sunrise" means. They don't. They'll give you just about a minute, and probably less, to convince them that this is a broken heart song they should be interested in, otherwise, click!

The title immediately made me think of the Beatles, Good Day Sunshine. Here's the intro and first verse of Good Day Sunshine.


Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine

I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day

What's the first thing that catches your attention here? It's the title ... with an immediate reference to the [i]sun[/b].

***
Your explanation at the beginning of your post is not being considered here. A listener would not be privy to a preamble about the song, how it was written or why it was written. So as I read your lyric, I read it as though I do not know any intimate details.

I completely understand that this is first draft. Best place to start!
***

Goodbye Sunrise

I might look at titles like:

Broken Heart Sunrise
Heartless Sunrise
My Sunrise Heart Is Gone

or a little satirical

Her Sun Set On My Heart

or even a humorous twist..

She Put My Lights Out

****

Verse 1
So it came to this my love,
Take my light and run with the wind
Now our candles blown out for good,
It can’t wake and relight again

The first verse never makes solid contact with lost love. It does make ambiguous and ethereal hints to lost love. However, the way it is written would cause a listener to really have to stop and think about what you're trying to relate. The line "so it came to this my love almost sounds biblical. As in... 'and it came to pass'. The opening lines need to set up the story. In fact a lyric, just like a story has three parts. A beginning, a middle and an ending. The first line sounds like the ending of a story. While, yes, the song is about an ending relationship, the first line should be the beginning of the story about an ending relationship.

Chorus
Tho I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise
I long for tomorrow and will wait for my life
Although in my darkest day, there is no light
I will move the stars to put her sun in my sky

Chorus' are interludes in the story. They are used to reinforce the notion of the entire lyric. Chorus' should be slightly different in meter with perhaps a different rhyming scheme. Your chorus retains the the same meter and rhyming pattern. The chorus needs to be different to indicate to the listener that something is changing in the song. The chorus is that brief respite in the story. It should be memorable and as well, should have the title/hook included. Remember, the title/hook is either the punch line or is part of the punch line. The hook! It is common practice to not have the hook line rhyme with anything in the song. That helps set it apart from the story (verses).

Verse 2
She’s the light that shows me the path,
And the hand to guide me along
Took down my shelters and all my walls,
But gave me pride and helped me stay strong

Your second verse is stronger than your first. In fact it could replace verse 1. The words used here, while still a bit ambiguous, added some "action" to the story. The third line is pretty good. Took down my shelters and all my walls. But lets reverse this line. I mean, the walls have to come down "before" the shelter is gone. This is a common quandry in lyric writing. What comes first? The "pros" call it a 'timing issue". In other words, the line is out of synch with the inferred action. So something like ... " You broke down my walls and removed my shelter" would fit the action.

I hope I've helped. It's helped me tremendously! Thanks for letting us read your lyric.

Best of luck!

lc
Cheer Down

[Nem]

wow, thanks for taking the time to reply

Originally Posted by lcjones

First thing to think about is not being too personal. The more personal it is, the less likely your audience will participate. Your listener doesn't want to get emotionally involved with your life. They want to get emotional about their own life. They want to hear about your grief but they want it in a context that relates to them.

so in your opinion is this song too personal? or is it still generalisable to others?

Goodbye Sunrise. This is directly related to your song, however, it does not give the audience any indication that this is a broken heart song. It gives you, personally, the indication because you know what "Goodbye Sunrise" means. They don't. They'll give you just about a minute, and probably less, to convince them that this is a broken heart song they should be interested in, otherwise, click!

I see what you mean, I guess i didnt really think about it from a new listeners pov, but the title of the song is something id have to give heavy thought to before changing because like you said, it does mean something very personal to me. and i guess the reason i wrote the song wasnt necessarily to perform it to others, its like my way of keeping a diary and track of my emotions

The first line sounds like the ending of a story. While, yes, the song is about an ending relationship, the first line should be the beginning of the story about an ending relationship.

wow um, i honestly have no idea how i could talk about the beginning of the end. i mean yeah the first line is about an ending, and its about the relationship, but youre right in that it should set up the beginning of the song
what if the first line posed the question "how did it come to this my love"? then the listener would instantly know its about a failing relationship/lost love (right? ) and might make it sound less like an ending and more a beginning of a journey, kinda like an explorative journey because youre asking a question? i dunno

Remember, the title/hook is either the punch line or is part of the punch line. The hook! It is common practice to not have the hook line rhyme with anything in the song. That helps set it apart from the story (verses).

so maybe change the last, or last 2 lines to something that doesnt rhyme but is catchy and relates directly to what the song is about? ...quite a task
I guess because I come from writing stories I never like to use the title as part of the main text. for me the title is something that while not mentioned during the main piece, is there to sum up what the thing is about

so im a bit out of my depth here, how could i possibly take the title, turn it into a hook and something to end the chorus with?

Your second verse is stronger than your first. In fact it could replace verse 1. The words used here, while still a bit ambiguous, added some "action" to the story. The third line is pretty good. Took down my shelters and all my walls. But lets reverse this line. I mean, the walls have to come down "before" the shelter is gone. This is a common quandry in lyric writing. What comes first? The "pros" call it a 'timing issue". In other words, the line is out of synch with the inferred action. So something like ... " You broke down my walls and removed my shelter" would fit the action.

point taken, i guess the little things like that make a difference

(edit: on second thought placing shelter at the end of the sentence would ruin the rhythm because it has 2 syllables, hmm time to rethink, maybe something like "took down my cover and all my walls" ...desperate attempt to keep walls at the end i know)

but what is it exactly that makes the second verse better than the first? because the second verse has no mention of a lost love at all so in that sense i woulda thought itd be out of place in the story?

the basic structure i wanted was to have the first verse about losing something that was dear to you. the second verse to be about what that thing actually meant to you, why it was important. and the chorus about how you want it back and how youd do anything, no matter how impossible (like moving stars) to get it back in your life

...dunno if any of that comes across, sounded like a good idea at the time

[Nem]

just changed things around slightly, i hope it works a bit better

Goodbye Sunrise (Rewrite)

Verse 1
How did we get here my love?
Took my heart and ran with the wind
Now I know that you’ve gone for good
I’m lost and left with nothing within

Verse 2
Every time I saw the sun
She would smile and bring me to life
But in the dark all I can do
Is watch her light just fall from my side

Chorus
Now I have to sit and watch this sunset
But I long for the dawn and will hope for the best
Tho I’d move the stars to put her sun in my sky
I know I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise

Verse 3
She was the light that showed me the path,
And the hand to guide me along
She came and helped me break down my walls,
But gave me pride to help me stay strong

Chorus
Now I have to sit and watch this sunset
But I long for the dawn and will hope for the best
Tho I’d move the stars to put her sun in my sky
I know I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise

End

better? worse?

[allthumbs]

It is more consistent. The imagery is more generic though. Needs more polishing. Writing lyrics is a real challenge. It is a lengthy process. Keep working to hone your skills and it will come.

[Lcjones]

Nem,

I'm just looking at the first verse here ...... thanks!


Goodbye Sunrise (Rewrite)

Verse 1
How did we get here my love?
Took my heart and ran with the wind
Now I know that you’ve gone for good
I’m lost and left with nothing within


I'm not convinced the leading line, "how did we get here, my love" is a good way to start this lyric. Would you really say that? I mean, in your everyday normal speech pattern? "How did we get here my love? If so, thats ok. If you don't actually talk in that manner, I wouldn't use it. Use everyday language.

If there is a time span or a measureble pause between line one and line two, line one would sound like my wife asking me if I lost the road map. Instead of "how did we get here my love", how about something like "how did our love get to this point?" which signals fairly quickly to the listener that this is a love story which has experienced "something". The reason being is we really want to clarify pretty quickly what is going on. In my suggestion, "how did our love" immediately denotes a love affair as well as includes two hearts in love, simply by the word "our", and the "get to this point" obviously says, hey, something's up with this love affair, but what, remains to be seen. So keep tuned in!

Line 2 needs an addition. "You took my heart and ran with the wind". The "you" clarifies who's doing what. With out the you, it's a question as to who is doing what. It could mean that the singer himself took his own heart and ran with the wind.

Of course, I can't hear how this lyric is playing in your head, so my thoughts are based on what I hear in my mind. The "Now I know that you've gone for good". Hmm... Depending on syllabic stress, this line could go several different ways....

Now I know that you've gone for good
Now I know that you've gone for good
Now I know that you've gone for good
Now I know that you've gone for good

See what I mean? Each stress indicates a different emotion or thought. So again, without hearing the way it's singing in your mind, I have a hard time with it. I may have reversed words ... "Now that I know you've gone for good". And the stress would be "Now that I know you've gone for good".... as in conclusion.
Of course, it's semantics. I say 'maters", you say "tomatos" .

"I'm lost and left with nothing within". I know this was used to rhyme with wind. But for me the rhyme, while correct, doesn't work. To me, the use of "nothing within", which says exactly what you want it to say but as a listener I don't know what you had within to start with. I may have written, "I'm left with empty days". I can relate to empty days easier than I can relate to "nothing within".

I might have written something along these lines. I'm not suggesting to use these lines, rather suggesting they parallel your lines but clarify things in a different way.

maybe a tad cliche'
How did our love get to this point? (substitute..place, stage...etc.,etc)
You've stolen my heart and like a thief run away
And now that I know you have left me for good
I'm feeling so low without you in my day

How did we get here my love?
Took my heart and ran with the wind
Now I know that you’ve gone for good
I’m lost and left with nothing within

**
I took the simple way out in my suggestion. But I'm not one for dumbing up lyrics. Listeners are very smart people. Depending on who your audience is, they are going to listen in different ways. I love to sit for hours with headphones on and drink in every word that Gordon Lightfoot sings. I revel in the way he has mastered the craft of word art. On the other hand, I'll blast The B-52's through the stereo while working on my riding mower, jam to the beat and not pay a bit of attention to the words. So knowing "who" you want your audience to be helps determine "how" you write your lyric. As I've mentioned before, there is no right or wrong way to write a lyric. There is a formula to write a commercial lyric.

Well, Nem, you have a nice idea for a lyric. I hope I've help in some fashion and not muddied the waters.

Good luck!

Les
Cheer Down

[allthumbs]

I just had a thought for the first line. Something like How did your heart break my love.
It immediatly tells the listener that the relationship is in trouble and that you still love her. A lot of people can relate to the the confusion of falling out of love. Just a thought.

[Nem]

Originally Posted by lcjones

Line 2 needs an addition. "You took my heart and ran with the wind". The "you" clarifies who's doing what. With out the you, it's a question as to who is doing what. It could mean that the singer himself took his own heart and ran with the wind.

I agree, but should it be YOU took my heart? or SHE took my heart? both "she" and "you" are used in the song I think is a bit confusing. which do you reckon would work better? speaking directly to her? or speaking about her?

I love to sit for hours with headphones on and drink in every word that Gordon Lightfoot sings.

weird that you mention gordon lightfoot because i wrote this song after being moved emotionally by a song of his "If you could read my mind" which I think deals with a very similar subject matter, i just felt i needed to write something that was my own

The imagery is more generic though

yeah i tried to dumb it down a little bit, but now im thinking in the second line "Took my heart and ran with the wind", maybe use Light instead of Heart? given the song revolves around the metaphor of her being my sunrise

but im not sure if replacing the word heart would clue the listener into the fact that this is a broken love song?

I just had a thought for the first line. Something like How did your heart break my love

i like it, but i dont really get it....are you asking how her heart broke? or are you asking how her heart broke your love?

maybe change the line to....How did your heart break our love? or How did our love break my heart?
i think if using the latter, then the second line about her taking my light/heart and running would answer the question. ah ha, eureka moment

btw, I came up with a quick midi just so you guys can hear the melody im writing these lyrics to. dont go knocking too hard please, this is the first time ive ever written any actual music...if you can even call it that