Hi hilch,
I think you have a great start to a beautiful song. I completely understand the sentiment in your lyric. I hope you don't mind me taking the first verse and giving it the once over. I'm in training, as it were, to be a singer/song writer so please don't take any offense at my comments. In order for me to be a better song writer, I have to understand how a song is put together, what works and what doesn't work. So here I go!
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The first thing that strikes me is the title/hook. "Making Noise" is not to be found until Verse 4. The title/hook should not only give the listener a synopsis of the impending song but should also be part and parcel of the chorus. In reading the lyric, the title/hook, Making Noise, is really not relevant to the lyric and is incidental. The lyric is about how you feel Sunday mornings with your partner in your arms. I would suggest changing the title to something that reflects that image as well as include it in your chorus. On the other hand, you could take the last line of the chorus, "Kisses my scruffy, stubble face" and title the song, "Scruffy Kisses" which is
much more interesting than "Making Noise" plus gives the listener a venue in which to imagine.
In a commercial sense, the title/hook, should be reached within 30-40 seconds into the song/lyric. Listeners expect it. And are waiting for it!
The lyric also include two opposing time frames. 1) being Sunday, which is part of the essence of the lyric and 2)June, which I'm not sure why that would be important in this case other that to make a rhyme. The song is about the first few moments of "Sunday" morning and while June adds a pleasant bit of scenery, it encompasses an entire month and puts things in a different perspective. It takes away from the intimacy of the Sunday morning cuddles.
Verse 1)
The "there we are" is really an open ended statement that could mean a large number of things. .... there we are in love, there we are in Florida, there we are as in "see I told you" ....etc.etc...
We need to grab the listeners attention within the first or second lines, at least the first verse. If not, the listener is history and assumes the song/lyric is of no interest to them.
Of course, the second line, "laying in each others arms" sorta, kinda clarifies things a bit. However the previous, "there we are" leaves things unanswered. I would perhaps write this as:
Sunday morning in your arms
rising to your lovely charms
Now we've put the proverbial, 'who, what, when and where' right smack into the listeners face!
Who: the singer and his/her partner
What: awaking to the partners charms
When: Sunday morning
Where: in your partners arms
We just covered the bases!
In V1, we are overwhelmed by the "ess" factor.
Sunday, others, arms, kiss, soft, silky, face, it's, race ....
We should probably exchange some words here to help the singer out.
We writers should always look out for our singers.
I kiss your soft silky face
The "soft silky" no doubt says exactly what you want it to say but it's the "eff" sound immediately followed by the "ess" sound that makes this a hard line to sing.
It's Sunday, no need to race.
We've already established it's Sunday, so no need to bring it up again. The "no need to race" explains a relaxed moment but really doesn't fit the demeanor of the lyric. Sounds almost like a Nascar thing to me. (being's it Sunday
) Let's put the "relaxation" and "having time" to work for us.
I may have written the first verse like this ...
Sunday morning in your arms
Rising to your lovely charms
Let me take all the time I need
To caress your charming cheeks
and here's how I hear the first verse of this .... ( about 40 seconds worth.. sorry for the family room recording)
http://www.croakingfrogmusic.com/mp3/hilches_song.mp3
Anyway, that's my shot at the lyric. Hope you don't mind. And hope it helps in your lyrics writing.
Les
ok hope i helped a bit
, and I'm not a singer by any stretch of the imagination. So I picked about 6 tunes, put on headphones, sang along with the songs while recording my voice by itself. It took a few trys and a little cut and paste in audacity, but I finally ended up with something presentable, put it on a cd, and she loved it. Although I cringe at some of the off key phrases
