[coldethyl]

Here's a song that I wrote a while back.
Wasn't sure where to put it, so I'll let the mods sort it out.
It's called "Sweep It Away"
I'd appreciate some constructive feedback unless you think it's absolute rubbish.
See what you think anyway.

Sweep It Away
What's your problem stranger
Do I want to know?
If you were to tell me
Would I turn and go?

A wall stands between us
And there it stays
We didn't put it there
And so the love just fades

(chorus)
So tell me a story
And tickle my ears
We'll just sweep it away
Like we've done all these years

Where are the remnants of your thorn
Hey stranger, you wanna see mine?
Would you want to walk in my shoes?
Would you so incline?

Then where do we go from here?
So many questions, without much reply
But stranger, let's try move on
We just can't go on with this lie

(chorus)
So tell me a story
And tickle my ears
We'll just sweep it away
Like we've done all these years

(chorus repeat)
Then fade out.

Okay, now let me have it!

Neil

[Grump]

I like that.

[Lcjones]

Hey coldethyl,

First, it's not rubbish. Obviously some thought went into this lyric.

Here's my take on it.

Verse 1 introduces us to a "stranger". Interesting way you turned the words.
V1 is a nice, really simple verse conveying a clear and concise idea.

Verse 2 gets lost. It seems to imply this stranger is now a friend but there is nothing to make that "stranger to friend" connection. Nothing supports how this stranger got to be so close, and with a "wall" in between them, it got confusing. The last line in V2 indicates the stanger and the singer had some sort of "love", but again, nothing supports the love. Was it a love of the heart? Lust? Faith?

Based on the first verse, the line in the chorus "tickle my ears" is just out of place and not within the demeanor of the song. As well, the last line in the chorus, "like we've done for all these years" is in opposition to V1. It connotates there has been a very long relation between the "stranger" and the singer of the song.

By the time I get to V3, I'm feeling [for lack of a better word] a religious overtone. Reference to the "thorn" and the psuedo "walk a mile in my shoes" line put things in that context for me. I may be wrong.

V4 is similar to V2 in abstractness.

And I think thats a key point here. Abstract thought. Obviously these lines mean something to you and that is fine. What happens is though, no one can read your "abstract" thought in to their own thought.... lyrically speaking. There must be action words included to help the listener get over the abstract thoughts so that the can really relate to the lyric.

For example, "a wall stands between us, and there it stays". Where would the wall go? And who put the wall there to begin with? And why would love fade because of this wall? Is it a physical barrier like a brick wall or a psychological wall?

In V4, the verse, and the entire lyric, takes a weird turn by the last line, " we just can't go on with this lie". There was no hint at all in any other part of the lyric about lies or lying.

Having said all that, I like what you have started. I think using words that clarify and solidify your ideas would help. Use action words in conjunction with abstract thoughts.

I hope I haven't muddied the waters here....

Les

[coldethyl]

Thanks heaps Les for your feedback. I really appreciate it. What you said really makes sense when I look at the song from your perspective.
I actually wrote the song when I was going through some bad times with my older brother. I just wrote down how I was feeling at the time, and then just filed it away.

But thanks again for the feedback.
Thankyou to you too Grump!

Neil

[Donovan]

Yea, to me it sounded more like someone who was close to you and somehow you two grew apart and became strangers to eachother. First thing that came to my mind was not an older brother though... more like a girlfriend or a wife

I think I like that the stranger remains anonymous, since it leaves a bit to the imagination of the reader/listener (I could really envision someone living with a wife he THOUGHT he knew), and don't think you should change the "stranger - like we always did" paradoxes, since this is exactly how you appear to have felt. I'd follow up on some of lc's advice on clarifying a little more about what happened between the two of you though. This leads more to the idea that the "stranger" is in fact not a stranger in the strict sense of the word as well...

I really like this one, hope you will put some music to it soon

[Grump]

Yeah, I thought it was a husband/wife thing too but, to me being a little abstract is OK because then it relates to a wider set of circumstances. By the way (only answer if you're comfortable), what does the thorn refer to?

Got any music to go with it?

P.S. A word of wisdom, never take musical advice from me, I just like to participate.

[coldethyl]

Thankyou Donovan! Yeah, I can see how one could think the song was about an ex-wife or girlfriend. I haven't really gotten around to adding music to it yet. I just wanted some feedback on the lyrics before I moved on to the music side of it. But hey, thanks for the encouragement.

Grump, thanks to you too! The thorn refers to my brothers complaints to me at the time about all the horrible things that he'd had to endure in his life (as if he was the only one that had horrible things happen to him) and the pity that he should receive because of it, and so I wanted virtually say okay, you've shown me your wounds (pains from past events), now let me show you mine. I always liked the Elvis song that had the line "walk a mile in my shoes" (or something to that effect) and so I thought it appropriate to add something similar in my song.

My older brother and I get along much better now, but sadly we are not as close as I would have hoped.

Neil