[Lcjones]

Well, the Songwriting forum has been incorporated into the Workings of Music.

I'll break in with a new lyric for your review and critique. Hammer it.. Don't hold back!

This is a first draft lyric along with a raw recording .... really raw .... i mean, like sushi

I'm A Poet
Chapman Jones - ASCAP 042006
**************************
http://croakingfrogmusic.com/mp3/im_a_poet.mp3

[Verse 1]
I'm writing a poem
Just for you
One that will last your
Whole life through
I'm putting pen to paper
To romantically entwine
the words that best describe you,
I hope you don't mind

[Verse 2]
You're the oddest girl this side of the world
[yeah] You're a walking quirk
I don't know what made you so dumb
But girl, it really works

I've studied all the anatomy books
From Grays to Dr Suess
They all tell me you should have one face
But baby you've got two

[Chorus]
I'm a poet
And don't cha know it
I can make words rhyme
I don't need a college degree
For the words I need to find
When it comes down to writing
How you've touch my soul
My ink pen drips with poetry
Like a drunkard on parole

[Verse 3]
I'd like to take a moment
And talk about your hair
But I've got no clue what color it is
Did you do that on a dare?

Your perfume's supposed to smell real sweet
And turn your man to mush
but the aroma that comes wafting by
Is like someone forgot to flush

[Verse 4]
You're a wacked out gal from southern cal
With tattos where they don't belong
Your ears are pierced 400 hundred times
With rivets a half foot long

I've got to write one last line
Before this poem is done
Yer the dadburn cutest thing i've seen
Under the sun

[Repeat Chorus]

**
an like always, thanks for getting this far.

Les

[allthumbs]

The chorus seems a little forced and verse 3 won't get you any airplayLOL. Other than that it works pretty good.

[WernHalen]

Very nice and ditto what AT said about the chorus...

[Grump]

Hmmm, when I read the lyrics I really thought that they didn't work that well. But after listening to the song, I'm wrong, they do work. Very well for the most part and I like the song. It's a very good sound, a little like John Prine meets Mac Davis which is one of the things that makes the lyrics work. And, in all diffidence to At and WH, I like the chorus too. It fits when you realize that the songwriter is struck by a girl that is so different that he doesn't quite comprehend that he does like her (maybe it could be a little tighter).

What I would change is the progression and consistency of the theme. IMHO, the tone of the lyrics vacillates. The last 4 lines of verse 3 and the 3/4 lines of verse 4 seem too over the top if the song is a wry, humorous look at attraction. The problem is, if you make her too yuck, it detracts from the associated feeling that we've all had when we are attacted to an "opposite" when not quite expecting it. I like the tattoo reference, some don't like them but the right one at the right spot can even sway the nay-sayers.......

Signed
Rank Amateur

P.S. As always, you and the rest of the regulars here are so professional sounding... In all seriousness, I like this song and some of Axtell's (and the others) as well or better than a lot of the stuff from Pandora (and I like that too).

[737blues]

I enjoyed it IC. Got to admit I cringe too every time I see a pretty girl who has spent all her money on piercings, tattoo's and whatever else the fashion industry wants to sell her. Rotten choice to inflict upon the young I reckon, look like this or be square and thanks very much for your dollars. But then sometimes I do take a quick second glance and think, hmmmm, kinda cute though, wish I were thirty years longer. Lol, certified old f*rt, that's me. I just hope it doesn't hurt them too much when fashion declares those tat's have to come off ....... Back to your lyrics, yeah. I do like them but as Grump said, you've got to hear them actually in that song to appreciate them. nice picking too.

[Donovan]

Hehe, yea this one gave me a real good laugh I had to download the mp3 to my computer since it didn't quite work from the page, but it was well worth it. The tune really seemed to fit the fairly unorthodox "ode" (or should I say odour ) to the girl in the song. I may have to agree that some of the lines wouldn't get you much airplay, but I'm sure you'd amuse an audience with it if you had room for a light and "breezy" song I'd say keep them

[tcliff]

I absolutely love it!

I hope you take this in a good way...but...when I listened to it, I couldn't keep a straight face to save my life!

Very original...and nice playing as well!

[Lcjones]

Originally Posted by tcliff

I absolutely love it!

I hope you take this in a good way...but...when I listened to it, I couldn't keep a straight face to save my life!

Very original...and nice playing as well!

I most certainly did take your thoughts in a good way! Thats what I was going for. Just a humorous look at love in all it's bizarre glory!

I'm working on a full blown version !

Thanks

les

[joe_strummer]

what can i say les, fantastic, i could relate to some parts of the song lol, which ill not go into but its superb definate winner there

[muse77]

Clever and cute song... the chorus (at least the lyrics) sound stolen from Syd Barrett's "Bob Dylan Blues" but I guess I'm the only one who saw it so never mind.

[Lcjones]

muse77,

Thanks very much for pointing that out. These are important things to know. I had to look up Syd Barrett (never heard of him) and iTuned Bob Dylan's Blues. Read the lyrics, and yep. Pretty similar. But no, they weren't stolen from Mr. Barretts lyics. I dare say, the use of the phrase "I'm a poet, don't you know it" is such a generic and poor joke as well as cliche, I doubt it would cause a problem anywhere. But, in my quest to become a better writer I will rewrite the chorus to reflect more of my talent and vision, small as they may be.



Les

[muse77]

Well I really liked the song anyway just so you know it.
And I love Bob Dylan blues too.
As a writer Ive actually had to be very careful in choosing titles for my stories coz I dont want to sound like Im stealing but I think sooner or later youre gonna accidentaly steal anyway coz there are so many songs in the world and so many books so it doesnt really matter so much...
keep playin dude.