[dookster]

it is not finished yet and there are flaws in it but this is the basic idea

Perfect

Move one inch,
look at your feet,
you make the same mistake,
your standing in dog shit,
but I look to you,
feel the way I always do,
and then you laugh ,
I know now its fine.

Where standing still,
time goes by,
were looking alright,
I stare into your eyes,
I hold your hand real tight,
your perfect,
more then fine,
let me kiss you tonight.

The next day was fine,
I lay besides you,
you were still a sleep,
so I wonder,
Do you feel the way I do?
I look at you,
you’re so perfect.
Then I think,
what was your name.

Where standing still,
time goes by,
were looking alright,
I stare into your eyes,
I hold your hand real tight,
your perfect,
more then fine,
let me kiss you tonight.

Still not knowing,
I get out of bed,
walk through her house,
looking at the wall,
then my heart begins to crumble.
She has a boyfriend.

notes on what i did wrong are welcome

[Lcjones]

Expletives are really not necessary in lyrics.

ex·ple·tive Audio pronunciation of "expletive" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kspl-tv)
n.

1. An exclamation or oath, especially one that is profane, vulgar, or obscene.
2. - a. A word or phrase that does not contribute any meaning but is added only to fill out a sentence or a metrical line.
b. Linguistics. A word or other grammatical element that has no meaning but is needed to fill a syntactic position, such as the words it and there in the sentences It's raining and There are many books on the table.
***

You can drive your point home without resorting to curse words. If you're using curse words to attempt a shock value, it really doesn't work, having no relevence. When I see curse words in a lyrics that indicates to me the author had a blank mind and couldn't come up with a more entertaining set of words. And I have been guilty of the same.

When delivering a lyric for critique, notate which is verse and which is chorus. A simple [V1] and [Chr] or similar to indicate which is which.


I'm going to look at the first verse .....

Move one inch,
look at your feet,
you make the same mistake,
your standing in dog shit,
but I look to you,
feel the way I always do,
and then you laugh ,
I know now its fine.

Lyrics do not always require rhymes. However, rhymes, especially in the English language, are the main stay of lyric writing.

Move one inch
Look at your feet

This sounds like someone has a severe paranoia.

You make the same mistake
Your standing in dog shit

What mistake was made? That needs to be explained so the listener of your song knows what's going on. There is nothing that supports that a mistake was made. I mean you're telling me that I've not only made a mistake, but I've repeated it again.
And where did the dog thing come from?

but I look to you,
feel the way I always do,

But I look to you

The way this line is written it indicates "looking for advice" or the "You" person is the "I" persons mentor. Change "to" to "at" and it makes more sense in the context of the next line.

You have changed the lyric about the second person (you) to the first person (I). As this is a lyric obviously about the writer (I) and not me the listener (you) I'd change the first four lines to be in the first person (I).

Feel the way I always do

OK, but we (as listeners) don't know how you always feel? You have to tell us listeners how you always feel. We can speculate but we don't know.

and then you laugh,

Ok you're back to the listener (you) and what is the listener laughing at?

I know now I'm fine

It would be better said "I now know I'm fine".

*****
Hope this helps you build your lyric.

Les

[Hilch]

Not too much more I can add ..

We all start somewhere and you started here so well done , take that advise on board and lets see your next song ..

Keep em coming
Hilch

[dookster]

tnx for the tips i is realy helpful

[dookster]

I revised the first verse
is this better?

Move one inch,
look at your feet,
you make the same mistake,
your falling for me,
I start to blush
but I look to you,
feel the way I always do,
and then you laugh.

it sounds alot better than before so.