[8LU3]

ok this is my first attempt to write lyrics so let me know what you think. i think it sucks but yeah...

someone get me outta here
I need to leave
push throught the crowd to the door
when what a suprise
i erupt right on the floor

yellow mess running through grout
tile's a mess and i can't get out
something shoved me towards the floor
unfortunately, i'm still in the door

who's gonna clean this up?
I certainly don't have the time
it's my fault though, I drank too much
"here it comes again" I say
another mess puts us in a truss

yellow mess running through grout
tile's a mess and i can't get out
someone shoved me towards the floor
unfortunately, i'm still in the door

headache the next morning
throbbing temples
uncomfortable feeling
wake up from a bad dream
hit my head on the ceiling

pass out...

[Kirk Lorange]

I'm with you, I think it sucks too.

[8LU3]

yeah its cool, i need to work on flow i think

[allthumbs]

Gross.

[Kirk Lorange]

Originally Posted by 8LU3

yeah its cool, i need to work on flow i think

The flow is fine, 8LU3 ... it's the subject matter. Music deserves better than to be a vehicle for a song about a juvenile drinking binge and vomitting, so does this forum.

[8LU3]

you dont listen to inubus do you?

[Lcjones]

hey blue,

I'm sure there's a limited niche market. Besides the content, there are a couple of other things that don't work.

In the first verse you have
"push throught the crowd to the door"

which is basically repeated in the first chorus by
"something shoved me towards the floor"

and then again in the last chorus with a variation...
"someone shoved me towards the floor"

You want to keep the choruses the same but as different as possible from the verses while at the same time retaining the main character and idea of the whole lyric.

Also, the words "door" and "floor" are replicated in the choruses several times. I'd find some other words to get the idea across in the first verse. Most songs are repetitive to a degree, but we don't want to bore people.

If this is your first attempt at lyrics, purchase or use online tools like a rhyming dictionary and thesaurus as well as a dictionary. Expand your vocabulary.

And really, erupt? Regurgitate is such a cooler word to work with.


Les

[8LU3]

ooh yeah nice word

[Kirk Lorange]

Originally Posted by 8LU3

you dont listen to inubus do you?

No ... do they sing about puking too? I guess I'm too old to understand, 8LU3. I'm just letting you know what I think, don't mind me.

[Jean]

Thats pretty sick

[8LU3]

its k kirk, i was just making an attemt, incubus writes (or wrote) about completely random (sometimes gross) subjects. its all good though. like i said i thought it sucked too...