[Lcjones]

Folks,

Hope you all don't mind me, err, rambling on a while.

I'd like to preface my notes here by letting you know I'm not a professional writer, though I'd like to be. I'm still learning to write. It's a never ending process. The good news is I can only get better! Just like playing guitar.

I’m sorta kinda jumping into the middle of the process of writing a lyric. But I think the whole re-write process is important to know before you get into writing your lyrics. Some of the fundamentals of re-write aptly pertain to all phases of lyric writing.

I mentioned rewriting lyrics in a couple of posts. As a number of you guys listened to my new song, Gimme Back, I thought I'd use it as classic example of re-writing and why the re-write is so important. Re-writing is essential in creating your lyric. I used to be one of those folks who wrote raw material, made things rhyme a bit and called it a finished piece. Far from it! Six months or a year later I'd come across one of those lyrics and try to play and sing it. I was like, where'd that come from. It was horrible. I literally thought to myself, "Dude man? What's wrong with your writing? Now don't laugh and by all means, do not brush this point away. I had to step back and evaluate myself, my writing and why I ever thought I was or could be a writer. Evaluate Your Work and then Re-Evaluate Your Work. Be tough. Be tough on yourself. Be tough on your lyric.

As you heard the tune, it was in its original state. It was definitely first draft material. First drafts are simply a starting point on the way to a finished lyric. Just like guitar. You leave home on a G, travel to C, strut over to D and then find your way back home to G. So with that, here's the first re-write of "Gimme Back"

Part I – The Re-Write of Gimme Back

The Title
First thing, the title sucked. “Gimme Back”. What's that? Gimme back what? It has no "punch". It has no meaning. It doesn't give the listener any clue at all to the song and why they may want to hear it. Or why, for that matter I want them to hear it. So right off the bat I knew I had to re-titled the song to 1)Entice the listener and 2)Solidify the hook. Here's the new title, "Give Me Back My Heart". Ah. Now, that can draw some attention. Remember the title is basically the "hook" to the song. The title really needs to be quick and witty and mean something to someone that has never heard the song before. And in this case many, many listeners can immediately relate to a title like “Give Me Back My Heart”. Which, hopefully, will entice them to listen to my song. Point for my team!

Funky Words
If you’re a singer/song-writer/performer and write all your own material, you’re pretty much in control of the whole song. You are writing for yourself to sing. You know your own limits when you sing and you also know how you “enunciate” certain words. Some words are easier to speak than others for you and you know which ones they are. So you write to fit your speech patterns. But what if you’re writing for someone else to sing? You have to take into consideration the “singer” as well when writing a lyric. So using simpler words is better. Ask the singer their preference of some of the more weird words and word combinations.

In my song GMBMH, I had one line in the last verse that was tearing me up. “one wrong word”. Say that three times fast and you’ll see what I mean! If you listen to the song you can literally hear me struggle with it. I changed it to “a wrong word”. See what I mean? Much better. Not only is it easier to say and sing, it flows much better and it’s easier for the listener to hear. So it’s really important to find the “least expensive” words.



Verse One

Original

1a) I've got a whole lot of empty space
2a) Where my heart used to be
3a) Whatever was in there went with you
4a) When you decided to leave

5a) If you can see your way clear
6a) I'd like to have it back
7a) 'cause it hurts like hell
8a) And that hole is really black

Re-write

1b) I’ve got a whole lot of empty space
2b) Where my heart used to be
3b) Everything inside me went with you
4b) When you got up to leave

5b) If you can see your way clear
6b) Please give my heart back
7b) 'cause it hurts like hell
8b) And that hole is really black

The first two lines of the original are in good shape. They pretty much get to the heart of the matter, so to speak.They set up the entire song and inform the listener where this song is headed. As a matter of fact, I was just plinking on my guitar a little G to C riff, when those words popped into my mind and the words and riff matched perfectly. Those two lines led to writing the entire GMBMH song in about an hour; music, chorus and all. Which, by the way, does not happen often! Normally, I spend serveral days, even weeks putting a lyric together.

Lines 3 & 4 were not so lucky in the original. The 3rd line was especially vague and really didn’t add to the power of the first two lines. Now you have to remember this song is about me, in the first person, not literally, but as the performer. I’ve already told you I had empty space where my heart used to be. But I needed to keep myself “in it” as it were, so changed Line 3a, “whatever was in there” to Line 3b “everything inside me”. So you can see I’ve kept myself in the story plus expounded that every emotion, feeling, love, hate, anger and happiness disappeared “when you”, left me. In other words I was now devoid of any feelings because you, yes you, stole my heart, all it’s contents and now I have nothing left.

Line 4a is one of those “hard to say” lines. The word “decided” has three syllables and added an extra “meter” or word beat into the line. It was not uncomfortable to sing, but it didn’t flow that well either. So, I used “less expensive” words to convey the same meaning plus got my meter in line at the same time. It may not be the Kings English, but it does make my point extremely clear.

In the second part of the first verse, Line 6a, “I’d like to have it back” was a problem. While it attempted to make things tangible like emphasizing I want my heart back, it didn’t. By changing 6a to 6b, I not only help explain that I really want my heart back, but I touch on the hook as well. I just put the bait on the hook!

Take note that I used the word whole in the first line and hole in the last line. A simple play on words. While they sound the same with totally different meanings, you would not want to use them in close proximity to each other, In this case though, they are far enough apart from each other that they are usable and they drive my idea home.

**
Ok. That’s part one. Part Two will touch on Verse Two and the Chorus. And if I can get there, Part Three will be building the melody.


Thanks,

Les

[feri52]

Hi Les,
I like the editing you did with your lyrics. I didn't think it was bad before, though. In fact, I could hear a melody and rhythm forming in my head as I read thru the lyrics. They're right to the point and melifluous. They talk to me! Your lyrics are very good!
I hear a country song in my head. I don't know if that's what you had in mind.
I also try to write stuff, usually not as well as I'd like to. When you're done I'd be real interested in how your finished product compares with what I'm hearing.
Regards,
Frank

[mjwjr]

Thanks for the insight!

Looking forward to parts II & III.

mjwjr