Her heart is like an ocean

yonkle · #1 March 7th, 2006

I just finished this. Can you tell me what you think of it please. It took a while but hope it's good. Thanks

Lcjones · #2 March 7th, 2006

Yonkle,

Just a question. Is this a lyric? Or a short story? What are your intentions with this prose?

The two, the lyric and short story, though cousins, are really not related. I read this as a short story. It is not a lyric. There is no meter. There is no rhyme factor. Both which create a lyric. Your prose may do fine in a poetry booklet but will not stand the test of a lyric.

If you wish this to be a lyric, then we must take the core values and create a rythmic and rhyming lyric.

If you wish to go further, let me know. In the meantime, suffice it to say, you have written a nice story, however, not a lyric.

Les

yonkle · #3 March 7th, 2006

Thank-you for the input. Yes, I would like to make it a lyric. I would appreciate the help. Look forward to that.

Lcjones · #4 March 8th, 2006

Yonkle,

Every lyric or short story, has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Lets start with that.

Take your story and break it down into it's three parts, beginning, middle and ending and seperate them. Once we see the lay of the land, as it were, or the foundation of the lyric, we can then begin to build the song. As well, you need to find a "hook" for the lyric. The "hook" is what makes people listen. The "hook" is what hooks your listener in to enjoying the song. The "hook" is also used as the punch line. You have a title, "Her Heart Is Like An Ocean", but that is really a broad and vague title. In the greater scheme of things, the title of your lyric should also be the hook. The bait that intices the fish.

Of course, there is no rush, so when your time allows, please post what you think is the beginning, the middle and the ending. And then we'll look for a hook!

Thanks for sharing.

Les

Lcjones · #5 March 8th, 2006

here's a lyric I'm working on. as you can see, it is not complete, by any means, so you may have to jump a bit. The purpose in posting this is to see if you can follow the lyrics in the first draft stage.
( what you see is exactly as I have it in Notepad.)

Love Is At The Heart Of It All
Chapman Jones - 03/06

Love
Is at the heart of it all 7
Love
Can make you dizzy 6
Spin and fall 3

Turn your night 3
Into a living hell 5
Or lace your life 3
With magic spells 4

Love
Is at the heart of it all

She's the

Love
Shows no sympathy for one
Love
Can hurt you deep
Like a gun

Blow you away
Like a hurricane
Or put in your hand
relieve the pain

Love
Is at the heart of it all

Les

yonkle · #6 March 8th, 2006

Thanks, I believe the beginning would be from: "She was young and pretty." The middle would be: "Then one day he got sick." The end would begin with: "Day blended into night." Does that sound right? So now if that's right we need a hook. I do like, "Her heart is like an ocean. Will it work at all? Thanks again for the input.

nowhere-man · #7 March 8th, 2006

Yonkle you've got me all choked up here.
I hope you manage to turn it into a song ok, I'm sure you will, especially with Les's help.

allthumbs · #8 March 8th, 2006

This will help with the basics.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/076...lance&n=283155

nocat · #9 March 8th, 2006

This may sound strange, but when I read lyrics by people like Harry Chapin or Bob Dylan
I have a tough time imagining how they came up with melodies, because to me, they
look just like prose... much like what Yonkle wrote... Which, by the way, in a very few
wonderful words, manages to convey more heart and emotion than most books I have read...!!!

yonkle · #10 March 8th, 2006

Hope this is the hook that Les was referring to. Hope this works. Thanks

yonkle · #11 March 8th, 2006

Thank-you no cat. I really don't know how to write but I will try to learn.

yonkle · #12 March 8th, 2006

Yes, this is about my life and my love.

Lcjones · #13 March 8th, 2006

Yonkle,

Hang with me 'til this weekend ..... Lots to say and do ...!

Les

yonkle · #14 March 8th, 2006

Sure that is fine. I appreciate the help. Thank-you

Lcjones · #15 March 12th, 2006

Yonkle,

A novelist can write 300 pages with thousands of words to get his idea across to the reader. A lyricist, on the other hand, can take that 300 page book, condense and convey that same idea in three minutes and just a few words.

Take your three parts, beginning, middle and ending and write three 4 line verses that says the same thing as your story. Try to work rhymes into your verses. You don't need to use the same exact words that are in your story unless you want to, but really the trick is to "convey" the idea to your listener.

If there is anything that should be avoided in lyics, it should be "cliche's". They are cliches because they are used very frequently in every day language and basically are boring to a listener. Just like the many ways to chord a C on the quitar, there are many ways to say the same thing using different words. Now cliches are not totally bad and if used in a unique way are very cool. But that's a rare happening today.

These tools are your best friends when it comes to writing. A rhyming dictionary, a thesaurus and if you have it available, a book of quotations to refer to. Even the finest writers today don't just "come up with stuff". They have to use tools too.

Anyway, give the verses a whirl and see there they take you. You may be surprised how things turn out!

Les