[Buchanan]

I'm convince that I've gone soft. What's happened to me. I may be young, but I used to be way different. I had no respect for women, thought sex was everything, and cheated on every girl I had. Where did that guy go? Oh well, I'm glad he left! He better not ever try and come back...

Mr. Nice Guy

(Verse 1)
So I've really got a thing for this girl,
She's all I've been thinkin about in this world,
And now I think I'm bout to hurl,
Cause she thinks we'll end up like broken pearls.

She said it was to risky even to try,
And I felt I really was gonna cry,
Cause Now it sounds like this all was a lie,
I'm done with this, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

(PreChorus)
I've been trying to help cause I love these girls,
They're some my very best friends in this world,
But it feels like I'm chokin on a necklace of pearls,
I'm tired of bein the backup for these girls.

(Chorus)
All these people have ever known is Mr. Nice Guy,
I thought I'd just go and give it a try,
And I have to admit, it really suited my,
Personality and now it's just part of my style.

I'm just sick of not tellin my side,
I can't take no more of this helpin everytime,
A problem comes and bein thrown to the side,
Forget all this, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

(Verse 2)
This one girl called me up one night,
She's screemin so I think she wants a fight,
But I don't give it, it aint me right?
She says her ex busted in and put her in his guns sights.

So I talk her down and I try to be kind,
Come the next day do you know what I find?
No grattitude, nothin, I'm goin out of my mind.
Ya know what, I quit! NO MORE Mr. Nice Guy.

(PreChorus)
I've been trying to help cause I love these girls,
They're some my very best friends in this world,
But it feels like I'm chokin on a necklace of pearls,
Why am I always the backup for these girls?

(Chorus)
All these people have ever known is Mr. Nice Guy,
I thought I'd just go and give it a try,
And I have to admit, it really suited my,
Personality and now it's just part of my style.

I'm just sick of not tellin my side,
I can't take no more of this helpin everytime,
A problem comes and bein thrown to the side,
Is it Really true; no more Mr. Nice Guy?

(Verse 3)
I'm always there to help em when a relationship ends bad,
I go to them as soon as I hear to help em get glad,
I can't stand to see my good friends bein so sad,
Wait, they helped me through some problems I had.

So I just sit here and ask myself why?
Is there something else that I need to try,
I through my arms up and look to the sky,
That's it, I can't stop being Mr. Nice Guy!

(PreChorus)
I've been trying to help cause I love these girls,
They're some my very best friends in this world,
But it feels like I'm chokin on a necklace of pearls,
Why am I always just the backup for these girls?

(Chorus)
All these people have ever known is Mr. Nice Guy,
I thought I'd just go and give it a try,
And I have to admit, it really suited my,
Personality and now it's just part of my style.

How many times have these girls heard my side,
I've got to try to help them out everytime,
A problem comes I'm not bein thrown to the side,
I can't do it, I'll always be Mr. Nice Guy.

(Tag)
I'm heir to the throne, It's in the blood to be Mr. Nice Guy.

[eddiez152]

Got some good stuff here in ideas. Perhaps a seasoned and knowledgeable member can help you out with some of your writings.
The lyrics seem to be a bit too long. I know you would like to tell the whole story as you see it.

[Buchanan]

I know a lot of people think they're too long, but that's how I write. It's just me. I'd rather have it like that. It's just my style of writing. You should see some of the poetry I've written.

David

[Lcjones]

Welcome to the Song Writing forum. Glad to see some fresh talent!

I'll preface my thoughts about your lyric by saying, I am critiquing your lyric and not criticizing you. I'll give you a few things to think about to help you write increasingly better lyrics.

As a writer you must understand "who" is going to listen to your lyric. If you are writing to amuse yourself or a close circle of friends or intimates, anything goes. Write in whatever fashion your heart desires. If, on the other hand, you are writing a lyric to be performed to the masses, you must write to them and not yourself. You must write in such a fashion so the masses "get" the story you are trying to relate. You must *learn* to learn what appeals to your intended audience.

I am an advocate of the long lyric. I always have been. I love the long lyric with a great melody behind it. I like listening to the repetition of a chord progression. It's relaxing and not boring.... to me. But, the lyric *must* have a good story working for it.

Using rhymes in lyrics is a great thing. If used wisely, rhymes can be an asset. Rhymes make a lyric easy to remember. Rhymes can, again, if used wisely, make a song memorable. The method of rhyming in this particular lyric is devastating to the lyric itself. The continual last word, nearly perfect, rhyme in every line makes for extremely boring and hard listening. When using rhymes, you want to "mix it up". Rather than use AAAA try using ABAB or ABCB rhyme scheme. You want your listener to be interested in your lyric. By switching to a less forced rhyme scheme you can entice your listener to *continue* listening. And by using non-perfect rhymes, you can increase the "anticipation" factor of the lyric. By anticipation factor, I mean, surprising your listener with an unexpected rhyme. Find yourself a *good* rhyming dictionary and learn how to use it.

Junk words. 'Cause, and, but, so, just. These words and other similar words are filler words. They are used in most cases as a "meter" adjustment. They are added to a line so the line matches the meter or cadence of some other line. Count the syllables in the lines to see what I mean. Although, counting syllables and correcting meter by the syllable count, is not always easy *or* the right thing to do. It's quite alright to use these words but over-use of filler words is lack of creativity in the lyric writing world. Find ways to say what you want without the use of multiple instances of filler words.

Verses vs. Chorus.

Verses are a means to an end. Here's what I mean. The chorus of *any* song is the high point of the song. The verses are just a way to get to the chorus. Verses should lead *up* to a chorus. Verses should *setup* the chorus. Verses are the story. The chorus is the *pun* or *payoff* of the lyric. In this case there are two things going against the lyric. 1) The *hook* "Mr. Nice Guy" is going to be killer to use as Alice Cooper has beaten it to death. 2) The length of the chorus is too long. The chorus should, for all intents and purposes, be short and clever. With using a "pre-chorus" half the length of a verse and then using a chorus equal to the length of the verse is overkill. Basically, there is more chorus than there is verse. Shorten the chorus and "get to the point". Combine your pre-chorus and chorus, making it one chorus and write a bridge rather than a pre-chorus. Use the bridge once! Maybe twice, on a good day. Use it around the 3/4 mark in the lyric.

I think a real good exercise would be to take this lyric as you have it now and write the *same* story using this structure:

[Verse 1]
4 Lines

[Verse 2]
4 Lines

[Chorus]
Your choice on line count

[Verse 3]
4 Lines

[Bridge]
2 Lines

[Chorus]
Repeat and rinse

Try an alternate rhyming pattern for the verses but be consistent in all three verses. The rhyming pattern in the chorus *should* not be the same as the verses.

Write a bridge to contrast or emphasize your point.

Write a witty, read that as "hooky*, chorus to entice me to listen again.

Thats a handful of work. Lets see where it goes! Good luck on your writing.

Best,

LC

[Buchanan]

Ok, thanks for the advice man, I'll give it a shot.

[Buchanan]

I'm workin on a RW right now. I think I see what you're sayin, but I may need a little more instruction here when I'm done and you see this disaster.

David

[Buchanan]

Ok, so from what you said I got that it should be written more like this. Am I even close to what you meant? I took Mr. Nice Guy and turned him into a very angry me. I only get like this about once a month. Well, tell me what ya think.


My Side

(Verse 1)
So I've really got a thing for you girl,
You're constantly the only thing on my mind,
But you decided I'm not worth your time,
Wow, is there some way to through this in rewind?

(Verse 2)
You said you didn't want to risk us,
Now I find that it's all been a lie,
So why do I even care anymore,
I'm done with this, It's just gettin too hard to try.



(Chorus)
I'm just sick of not tellin my side,
I can't take no more of this helpin everytime,
This is destroyin what's left of my pride,
I'm tired of givin up blood, sweat and tears.

(Intermission)
This makes me want to explode,
But then I remember all the credit you're owed!

(Verse 3)
So let's forget everything that's happened,
I owe so so much for stayin by my side,
You're one the few people who deserves the title of friend,
I didn't even realize what I must have put you through.

(Lyric Break)

(Bridge)
So I'm gonna treasure you everyday,
I don't care about what other people say!

(Chorus)
But just sick of not tellin my side,
I can't take no more of this helpin everytime,
This is destroyin what's left of my pride,
I'm tired of givin up blood, sweat and tears.

But just sick of not tellin my side,
I can't take no more of this helpin everytime,
This is destroyin what's left of my pride,
I'm tired of givin up blood, sweat and tears.


(Tag)
I'm heir to the throne, But my kingdom will never be my own.

[Lcjones]

Originally Posted by Buchanan

I'm workin on a RW right now. I think I see what you're sayin, but I may need a little more instruction here when I'm done and you see this disaster.

David

First Rule of song writing. Learn the rules of song writing.
Second Rule of song writing. There are no rules. There are formulas for success, but no rules.


I look forward to your rewrite.



PS:

Ditch the disaster mind set. Writers are their own worst critic. Get
past your inhibitions right now .... if you have any plans of being a writer. Get past yourself. Get past critique. Embrace comments and critique. Learn to accept what others think. Learn to garner good information from useless information. Critiques are not personal, they are a tool to use to become a better writer.

**

[Buchanan]

Ok, thanks man. I'm keepin the original song though, and I'm going to work on these to sepertely. I want to see how much different the one with my anger from the whole deal turns out than the one with my good thoughts turn out. I'm done writin for tonite though. I'll work on this stuff somemore tomorrow night.

David

[Lcjones]

Hey Buchanan,

I'm going to reference Verse 1 of the lyric. You can go from there.


(Verse 1)
So I've really got a thing for you girl,
You're constantly the only thing on my mind,
But you decided I'm not worth your time,
Wow, is there some way to through this in rewind?

*****

In any instance of marketing, first impressions are the most important. When writing a lyric, first impressions are paramount. Imagine you have a life time of grief. Six decades of grief. Sixty years of grief. 21,900 days of grief. 525,600 hours of grief.

You have *only* three minutes and 15 seconds of radio airplay time to express to me 525 thousand hours of grief. What and how are you going to express to me your grief in Verse 1 that I have not heard, experienced or already know about?

In a lyric .... let me rephrase. I'm going to speak commercially here. If you take a lyric/song you wrote to an A and R person, they are going to give you 30 seconds of time. Real time. 30 seconds of real time to grab their attention with your 3 minute song depicting 525 thousand hours of grief.

The first two lines of the lyric had better be of the highest quality. There can be no mistakes in the *first* two lines. I am an A and R guy. I need to be impressed. Fast.

"So I've really got a thing for you girl,
You're constantly the only thing on my mind,"

Now. Make me believe it.

**
LC

[Buchanan]

(Verse 1)
I don't even know how I feel about you girl,
Why don't you stop messin with my mind?
So you decided I'm not worth your time,
Wow, is there some way to throw this in rewind?

Is this any better? I think I know what you're talking about, I just have to find a way to get it there.

[Lcjones]

Originally Posted by Buchanan

(Verse 1)
I don't even know how I feel about you girl,
Why don't you stop messin with my mind?
So you decided I'm not worth your time,
Wow, is there some way to throw this in rewind?

Is this any better? I think I know what you're talking about, I just have to find a way to get it there.

I'm confused about you girl
You're messing with my mind
Looking at your watch, you say
I'm not worth your time

Condense and expound.

**

[Buchanan]

Ok, I get what you mean. Keep it short and simple, but at the same time you gotta get your whole message across. I think I see what you're sayin, but I'll have to give it s shot to know. Thanks for the help man.


I gotta get to bed though. I've got EOC testing tomorrow. I might work on this some in the morning. Not sure though.

David

[Lcjones]

Originally Posted by Buchanan

(Verse 1)
I don't even know how I feel about you girl,
Why don't you stop messin with my mind?
So you decided I'm not worth your time,
Wow, is there some way to throw this in rewind?

Is this any better? I think I know what you're talking about, I just have to find a way to get it there.

I'm confused about you girl
You're messing with my mind
Looking at your watch, you say
I'm not worth your time

Condense and expound.

**

rather the verse should be, and make more sense as

I'm confused about you girl
You're messing with my mind
Looking at your watch, you say
You're not worth my time


....now a conversation with her can be opened up.

[eddiez152]

Now thats some fine guidance. From this you will learn much about your writing. I do understand you are but 14 and can imagine myself doing the same.
Re write is much better. Shorter, sweeter, and closer to the point.