[Buchanan]

Here is my next song. I think it sounds good with nothing but a simple drum rhythm behind it. I wrote it last night when I was in a terrible mood after the dance. Some stuff happened, some having to do with this and some not, that felt like someone spittin in my face. This is all my emotions last night, but I worked hard on it. Any and all critique is welcome.

Heaven Sent

(Verse 1)

Very first time our eyes met,
The closest some to heaven get,
Now I pray you just try to let,
Me hold you in the warm of a red sun-set.

One my best friends said it won't work,
But I'm at the point that if I don't try,
I won't ever get to touch the sky,
Maybe then I'll just sit and cry.

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what do I see?
I See you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
So I curse the day I came to see

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
But I'm gettin frustrated and need 2 vent,
Confusion tuggin on my heart, my mind is bent,
Whit I know that you're heaven sent.

So should I tell about tears,
And all these damn fears,
What If you could see all these tears?
Find out the truth, and just be here...

(Verse 2)

What went on when i asked you to dance,
That you didn't even give me one glance?
Did I do somethin wrong in my advance?
I mean, Heston there got my dance.

I look back at the time I've spent,
Knowing good came from where it went,
Right now my mind is just bent,
And I wonder now where the old me went,

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what could it be?
I know you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
so I curse the day I first recieved

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
And I'm gettin confused, I need to vent,
Frustration tuggin at my soul, my heart is bent,
Girl I know you're heaven sent.

Should I lie about the tears?
Deny all these damn fears?
What if you had to see the tears?
Find out the truth, would you stay near?

(Verse 3)

But now I'm lookin at the bright side,
You've always stayed by my side,
Even if it's not as it played out in my mind,
Atleast now I can say I tried.

I'm still waitin for an answer,
All my fears are just a cancer,
Then I think I'm not even much of a dancer,
But I still want you to answer.

(Prechorus)

When I look at you I'm set free,
Because you're a very important, parta me,
I hope you value the notion of you and me,
So I treasure the day I came to believe

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
I've been so confused where I needed to vent,
Fears tuggin at my soul, my mind was bent,
Whit did you know you're heaven sent?

I'll admit to the tears,
And even to the tears,
The day passed so near,
But Now I'm stayin right here.

(Verse 4)

I want you to know I'll always be here,
I hate when in your eyes I see a wet tear,
Girl please don't cry, I'm still near,
I don't want you to hurt or ever to fear.

I won't stop caring if you don't want me,
I won't stop caring if you don't need me,
I'll never leave your side Whitlie,
And that's a garuntee completely.

(No Music)

Girl I don't know if you will take a chance on me.
I want you to know I'll take a chance on you.
I've been there for you and you've been there for me.
So whata ya say, are you gonna give me a chance?

[Buchanan]

Here is the RW from this morning.

Heaven Sent (Rewrite 1)

(Verse 1)

Very first time our eyes met,
The closest some to heaven get,
Now I pray you just try to let,
Me hold you in the warm of a red sun-set.

One my best friends said it won't work,
But I'm at the point that if I don't try,
I won't ever get to touch the sky,
Maybe then I'll just sit and cry.

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what do I see?
I See you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
So I curse the day I came to see

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
But I'm gettin frustrated and need 2 vent,
Confusion tuggin on my heart, my mind is bent,
Whit I know that you're heaven sent.

So should I tell about tears,
And all these damn fears,
What If you could see all these tears?
Find out the truth, and just be here...

(Verse 2)

What went on when i asked you to dance,
That you didn't even give me one glance?
Did I do somethin wrong in my advance?
I mean, Heston there got my dance.

I look back at the time I've spent,
Knowing good came from where it went,
Right now my mind is just bent,
And I wonder now where the old me went,

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what could it be?
I know you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
so I curse the day I first recieved

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
And I'm gettin confused, I need to vent,
Frustration tuggin at my soul, my heart is bent,
Girl I know you're heaven sent.

Should I lie about the tears?
Deny all these fears?
What if you had to see the tears?
Find out the truth, would you stay near?

(Verse 3)

But now I'm lookin at the bright side,
You've always stayed by my side,
Even if it's not as it played out in my mind,
Atleast now I can say that I tried.

I'm still waitin for an answer,
All my fears are just a cancer,
Then I think I'm not even much of a dancer,
But I still want you to answer.

(Prechorus)

When I look at you I'm set free,
Because you're a very important, parta me,
I hope you value the notion of you and me,
So I treasure the day I came to believe

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
I've been so confused where I needed to vent,
Fears tuggin at my soul, my mind was bent,
Whit did you know that you're heaven sent?

I'll admit to the fears,
And even to the tears,
The day passed so near,
But Now I'm stayin right here.

(Verse 4)

I want you to know I'll always be here,
I hate when in your eyes I see those wet tears,
Girl please don't cry, I'm still near,
I don't want you to hurt or ever to fear.

I won't stop caring if you don't want me,
I won't stop caring if you don't need me,
I'll never leave your side Whitlie,
And that's a garuntee completely.

(Talking)

Girl I don't know if you will take a chance on me.
I want you to know I'll take a chance on you.
I've been there for you and you've been there for me.
So whata ya say, are you gonna give me a chance?

(Chorus)

You're 100% Heaven Sent,
I know you get confused where you need to vent,
Pain tugs at your soul, your mind gets bent,
Just remember that you're heaven sent.

Yesterday you admitted your fears, |
Best believe I almost shed tears, ---------------- (X2)
I just wanted to hold you near, |
So now I'm stayin right here.------|

[eddiez152]

Just my observation, nothing more.
I kinda liked the story, Thought the lyrics were ok.
15 of the sections all end in rhyme words on each line.
The other 3 or 4 have different ending words.
Kinda long for a broken heart. you may want to see if you can shorten it up a little.

[Buchanan]

Originally Posted by eddiez152

Thought the lyrics were ok.
15 of the sections all end in rhyme words on each line.
The other 3 or 4 have different ending words.

I thought about that too. I went through and tried to change it, but nothing really got my point across the same way. So then I added a drum beat on my keyboard and it actually sounds ok like that. If I did this any other way I would HAVE to change it, but for the style I'm shootin at here it seems to work.

Originally Posted by eddiez152

Kinda long for a broken heart. you may want to see if you can shorten it up a little.

This songs faster than the last one I posted on here. I went through the whole thing and it only comes out to be about a 3 minute song.

It's not actually a broken heart kind of thing. You kind of have to know EVERYTHING that has happened in the last month or so to understand exactly what I'm tryin to say. I might end up rewriting a whole verse today though. I'm gonna talk to her later on. I don't know if she's mad at me or what the deal is, but I think I can make the song better with me knowing how she feels right now. Plus I just want to make her feel better

[Nutty]

Great job David.

I'm an emotional writer, so I completely understand where you are coming from. A recent song I wrote "Let Me Out" came about the same way as your song here. We had a really bad night at home and 10 minutes later (maybe more) a song was produced. And these emotional songs end up being pretty darn good Even if things change for the better, and they generally do, we have these songs to go back to when we have our weak moments. Then, I just belt it out; get those feelings out and away we go (move on). This is all my experience of course.

I can't wait to hear the music to go with this.

Take care and I hope things work out for you.

Nutty

[starsailor]

+1 to what Nutty and Eddie said there are quite a few lines that rhyme and it does appear a bit long, I write some long songs, so I haven't got a strong view on that, as you say it comes in at 3 minutes so it depends what kind of tune you're putting to this, this is quite a personal song Buchanan and does contain some anger, if you keep all the rhyming lines it depends how you emphasize them in the song the end of the lines can emphasize a feeling of anger, if you're moving at that pace I'd assume you're doing quite a heavy song say metal or something along those lines, is that the style you're looking at?
I'm no expert on songwriting but I agree that if you have a thought or a feeling be it good or bad or you hear something said that you like you should get it on paper as soon as possible and take it from there so I agree with Nutty on that one.
As you develop this song you will change things as you build it, I like what you're doing Buchanan it's always good to see people writing songs.
Hope things work out for you, we all have good times and bad times and it's not always easy to roll with the punches.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this song and to hearing it

Best Wishes

Chris

[Buchanan]

Thanks guys. When ever I right something I want it to be emotional. I can't do much else with this until I talk to her. Her sister is sposed to have her call me otherwise we won't talk until 7 or 8, so I'll try and work on this tomorrow. I've got one other song I'm working on right now. It seems like everyone in this town is cutting and stuff. When I lived with my mom I used to do that until this girl named Danni convinced me to stop. I hope to get my first draft done today and post it on the forum.

David

[Buchanan]

O sorry I forgot to answer what kind of sound I was goin for. It's kinda a cross between softrock and metal. I want some of the speed of metal without all the distortion and effects over powering what I'm trying to say

[eddiez152]

Buchanan,
Just a idea, You write them the way you see them, then review the recording, as you are the only one who knows it content and then brush it up until you feel you have what you are looking for.

[johnnydoxx]

I don't really have an opinion on this particular song's contents or the other one about cutting. I just want to compliment you on being a young person who is not afraid to put what you feel out to the public. This trait can only help you when real life hits in about 7 years or so.

I'll applaud you for that.

[Buchanan]

I'll try and figure out someway to record this stuff without having to go down to the music studio and pay for it. Thanks for the support guys.

David

[eddiez152]

Buchanan,
Got a video camera? hat will work just fine. Try it and have fun.

[Buchanan]

Alright I'll give that a shot. I just talked to her and made some changes. I still will probably have one more RW plus putting it to music, but here it is.

Heaven Sent (Rewrite 2)

(Verse 1)

Very first time our eyes met,
The closest some to heaven get,
Now I pray you just try to let,
Me hold you in the warm of a red sun-set.

One my best friends said it wouldn't fly,
But I'm at the point that if I don't try,
Ya know he said it to the wrong guy,
Cause I know these feelings won't go away.

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what do I see?
I See you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
So I curse the day I came to see

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
But I'm gettin frustrated and need 2 vent,
Confusion tuggin on my heart, my mind is bent,
Whit I know that you're heaven sent.

So should I tell about tears,
And all these crazy fears,
What If you could see all these tears?
Find out the truth, and just be here...

(Verse 2)

What went on when i asked you to dance,
That you didn't even give me one glance?
Did I do somethin wrong in my advance?
I mean, Heston there got my dance.

I look back at the time I've spent,
Knowing good came from where it went,
Right now my mind is just bent,
And I wonder now where the old me went,

(Prechorus)

I look at you and what could it be?
I know you're a very important, parta me,
But it seems like it'll never be,
so I curse the day I first recieved

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
And I'm gettin confused, I need to vent,
Frustration tuggin at my soul, my heart is bent,
Girl I know you're heaven sent.

Should I lie about the tears?
Deny all these fears?
What if you had to see the tears?
Find out the truth, would you stay near?

(Verse 3)

But now I'm lookin at the bright side,
You've always stayed by my side,
Even if it's not as it played out in my mind,
Atleast now I can say that I tried.

I'm still waitin for an answer,
All my fears are just a cancer,
Then I think I'm not even much of a dancer,
But I still want you to answer.

(Prechorus)

When I look at you I'm set free,
Because you're a very important, parta me,
I hope you value the notion of you and me,
So I treasure the day I came to believe

(Chorus)

That you're 100%, Heaven Sent,
I've been so confused where I needed to vent,
Fears tuggin at my soul, my mind was bent,
Whit did you know that you're heaven sent?

I'll admit to the fears,
And even to the tears,
The day passed so near,
But Now I'm stayin right here.

(Verse 4)

I want you to know I'll always be here,
I hate when in your eyes I see those wet tears,
Girl please don't cry, I'm still near,
I don't want you to hurt or ever to fear.

I won't stop caring if you don't want me,
I won't stop caring if you don't need me,
I'll never leave your side Whitlie,
And that's a garuntee completely.

(Talking)

So now we've had a chance to talk.
I know there's still a good chance,
For us to go down in the books for real romance,
You just need to get over some pain, and I'll give you the chance.

(Chorus)

You're 100% Heaven Sent,
I know you get confused where you need to vent,
Pain tugs at your soul, your mind gets bent,
Just remember that you're heaven sent.

Yesterday you admitted your fears, |
Believe I almost shed tears, ---------------- (X2)
I just wanted to hold you near, |
And now I'm stayin right here.------|

[Buchanan]

I don't think I can do anything else with this song after today... Stuff happened, I don't think it's worth it. I'll try and work somemore on Let It all Come Out today and post the RW.


David

[Buchanan]

Wow. I actually told her this isn't how I feel anymore. I can't stand lying, but ya know how it is. I'd rather see her with Greg than Cody anyways. I know you guys don't know these people, but let me explain it. Ok, I really like Whitlie, she's so special. She likes Greg and he's one of my really good friends and he's a great guy. But my friend Cody was gonna ask her out, and he's more like this guy named Jacob who just broke up with my other friend Lauren after cheating pn her and stuff. So I think I'm doin the right thing by standin back and watchin, but pullin myself out of the mix. I just though some of you may be curious, so i wanted to give you the background