[rlc27]

don't have a title right now..

feed back is appreciated..thanks



Was it all your fault?
I’ve read the papers and they’ve all forgot your name

Cause you’ve been drowning ever since you cursed the rain
And enemies hunting for treasures they won’t be back again

Narrow, dead and shallow
And I doubt that there’ll be room for you

It’s not all ok
They want forgiveness but they’ve all forgot my name

Cause spelling-class stars and virgin guitars, they just won’t do
When people whose people know people whose friends don’t have a clue

And all this talk of bailing
Well I doubt that there’ll be room for you

[X4StringDrive]

Hi rlc27,
It would be hard to offer much here due to not knowing enough about where your headed with it. You have some great lines here IMO, but I can't seem to grasp a concept of what it all pertains to. That could very well be just me, but I'd be willing to bet theres other's just the same.

It would help knowing what style{genre} your leaning towards and if it's more of ballad or what-not. Also this could use{again this is my opinion only} a little more detail in what the subject matter is...I don't have a clue, but I'd guess again and say "death"?

Anyway's like I said, you've some great lines here, off to a good start and hope to hear it soon over in member's recording's.

[starsailor]

+1 to what X4String said, it is a bit difficult to give a critique as it seems a bit random at the moment, the words are good but I'm not getting the message, I'm just guessing, it's about death in some way, maybe suicide, running away, bullying along those lines but I could be wrong what kind of music do you want to put to it? the lines are good and it will make up into a good song but it needs something to give the song clarity so that people can relate to it on some level.

[Lcjones]

Hey rlc,

Glad to have you aboard!

Here's the down and dirty...

By reading your lyric, I feel your intended subject is highly personal. What I mean by that is...... The lyric obviously makes perfect sense to you. You had the idea for the lyric. You understand what it is you are writing about. The problem is, it is so personal to you, you did not allow any room for your listener to understand your idea.

You might have a question or two right about now.

Aren't all lyrics personal?
Yes and no.

1) A lyric can be extremely personal. So personal in fact, that only you or a very small circle of intimate friends get the drift and actually understand what you are saying. In other words, the lyric has a relevant story but only to you.

On the other hand,

2) A lyric can be personal in that the writer has taken a personal interest in a particular subject and writes a song about it. Such as environmental songs or political songs. The writer is personally involved in the lyric by emotion. And by the writers emotional involvement, they can elicit emotion in their listeners to take action.

And yet on the other hand,

3) A lyric can be personal but written in such a manner that the majority of listeners can understand, empathize and generally relate to in the storyline. Such as a popular love song. The writer may have gone through a hard time in a personal relationship, which nearly every one on earth goes through, and writes a lyric about it in a general fashion that every one *can* relate to it.


Your lyric is #1.

Good luck! And do not stop writing! We're all here for you!

LC