[starsailor]

This is quite a melancholy short song I've written, see it as a folk song, I've put the verses in but there's no chorus as it's a narrative and the verses lead into each other the short verses I see as low key and slower and the long verses are more upbeat and lively, just a bit of an experiment, lyrical/poetry, all feedback welcome as usual, if someone would like to do this feel free

Echoes in time

Verse 1

There is a music store in a shady part of town
Guitars in the window could do with a dusting down
Run by and old man who used to be somebody
A flower child dependant on memories

Verse 2

His shop used to be the talk of the town
The finest guitars for miles around
All the big names would come from afar
Some just to hangout, get that special guitar
The scene was so vibrant, jam sessions upstairs
And pretty young girls with flowers in their hair
Now the girls are all Women the flowers have died
The stars have all faded their guitars put aside
The old man goes in turns round the open sign
But the music has gone it's just echoes in time

Verse 3

He goes to the window wipes a hole between closing down
To watch out for customers and have a good look around
Sees a desolate wasteland, some tramps drinking cheap whisky
His mind starts to drift as he retreats to a place in his memory

Verse 4

The street used to be such a colourful sight
Street markets and carnivals, full of life in the night
Poets and singers would busk and get high
As young girls passed by with their Mary Quant looks
Serious young men with fire in their eyes
Would sip coffee in cafes while reading Kerouac books
Now their ideals have gone, the revolution died
The fire diminished as they faced up to real life
The old man walks over turns round the closed sign
Hears the sound of the street but it's just echoes in time

End

He sits in the back room and plays an old folk guitar
Feels quite tired just sits and strums Jennifer
Then closes his eyes and lays back in his easy chair
Joins Hendrix and Joplin, once again he's a rising star

cgoodesongs 24-2-08

[X4StringDrive]

Nice story Chris, I like it!
Don't like "hole" in the 3rd verse, doesn't sound right....how do you wipe a hole? maybe ....
he goes to the window, wipes the haze...

Other place I'm not fond of is "Jennifer" someone who's not familiar with naming guitars would wonder about that line I think.....
never named mine before.....guitar that is

I think it could work out very nice with the right arrangement

[allthumbs]

evocative. I agree with X. The third verse needs work. I think once you pare it down to fit whatever song structure you choose, it will come together nicely. Looking forward to hearing the finished work

[carol m]

I believe Jennifer was a song 'Jennifer, juniper.....etc' .by some upstart named Donavon........excuse me while I untangle the flowers from my hair, they seem to be passed their best.

Love the lyrics. Anyone we know?

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by X4StringDrive

Nice story Chris, I like it!
Don't like "hole" in the 3rd verse, doesn't sound right....how do you wipe a hole? maybe ....
he goes to the window, wipes the haze...

Other place I'm not fond of is "Jennifer" someone who's not familiar with naming guitars would wonder about that line I think.....
never named mine before.....guitar that is

I think it could work out very nice with the right arrangement

Hi Kenny thanks for the feedback, good pick up on the words there in retrospect I think they're a bit obscure, I don't know if they do it in the USA but when shops shut down in the UK they paint the window out and scrape Closing Down in big letters across it so that reference was to the guy scraping the paint off the window between the words, I now realise that could be lost in translation. The Jennifer referred to Donovan's song Jennifer Juniper maybe I was being too clever there so that can be changed too, I was going to put Strums some Pete Seeger but Jennifer jumped into my head, actually I've still got the song in my head, Donovan is a great songwriter.
Glad you liked it just needs a tweak or two

All the Best

Chris

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by allthumbs

evocative. I agree with X. The third verse needs work. I think once you pare it down to fit whatever song structure you choose, it will come together nicely. Looking forward to hearing the finished work

Thanks for having a look Allthumbs, just needs a bit more work, the feedbacks important for me it gives songwriters a chance to polish their work so I find this forum invaluable as a learning aid

[X4StringDrive]

Paint the windows? do you mean after going out of business? if its a daily thing, I might have to come open a shade shop over there

I caught the jist of jennifer just didn't sit right in the verse with me is all...when you stop in the middle of a verse to try and understand the authors intension, it seems to throw off everything else.

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by carol m

I believe Jennifer was a song 'Jennifer, juniper.....etc' .by some upstart named Donavon........excuse me while I untangle the flowers from my hair, they seem to be passed their best.

Love the lyrics. Anyone we know?

Correct on the song Carol, go and pick some more, I'm off to polish my sandals and get the moths off my CND Tshirt, thanks for having a look Carol

[carol m]

No-one ever polished their sandals

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by X4StringDrive

Paint the windows? do you mean after going out of business? if its a daily thing, I might have to come open a shade shop over there

I caught the jist of jennifer just didn't sit right in the verse with me is all...when you stop in the middle of a verse to try and understand the authors intension, it seems to throw off everything else.

It used to be really bad walking down the high street, those painted windows were quite depressing. doesn't happen so much now but they put huge orange posters up saying closing down sale which are worse than the painted window.

I totally agree about Jennifer she's a nice girl but she'll have to go I fell into the trap of taking it for granted that the reader knows what I'm saying, like you say if the reader or listener has to stop to figure out what the writer is saying the song is dead in the water so I'm sending her back to the sixties, I will miss her though, if the other line works I can use that or I can rewrite the whole verse what do you think Kenny

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by carol m

No-one ever polished their sandals

I had issues

[X4StringDrive]

The rest of the verse is great Chris, takes the story out quite well IMO

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by X4StringDrive

The rest of the verse is great Chris, takes the story out quite well IMO

Hi Kenny I've done a rewrite, Jennifers gone, yes there were tears and she went on about peace and love and how modern society has corrupted my inner soul but she had to go, the holes gone as well, I just threw Jennifer down it, so see what you think


Echoes in time (rewrite)

Verse 1

There is a music store in a shady part of town
Guitars in the window could do with a dusting down
Run by an old man who used to be somebody
A flower child dependent on memories

Verse 2

His shop used to be the talk of the town
The finest guitars for miles around
All the big names would come from afar
Some just to hangout, get that special guitar
The scene was so vibrant, jam sessions upstairs
And pretty young girls with flowers in their hair
Now the girls are all Women the flowers have died
The stars have all faded their guitars put aside
The old man goes in turns round the open sign
But the music has gone it's just echoes in time

Verse 3

He walks to the window to paint the words closing down
Watches for customers and has a good look around
People have moved on there's nothing left to see
His mind starts to drift to a place in his memory

Verse 4

The street used to be such a colourful sight
Street markets and carnivals, full of life in the night
Poets and singers would busk and get high
As young girls passed by with their Mary Quant looks
Serious young men with fire in their eyes
Would sip coffee in cafes reading Kerouac books
Now their ideals have gone, the revolution died
The fire diminished as they faced up to real life
The old man walks over turns round the closed sign
Hears the sound of the street but it's just echoes in time

Verse 5

He sits in the back room and plays an old folk guitar
Feels quite tired so he stops and lights up a cigar
Then closes his eyes and lays back in his easy chair
Joins Hendrix and Joplin, he knows he's welcome there

cgoodesongs 24-2-08

[X4StringDrive]

Originally Posted by starsailor

Hi Kenny........ so see what you think

Well Chris, this looks good but...I have to repeat myself from another post, I think it's quite long. Now I understand that the arrangement could make short work of it, but I can't see telling the story with emotion at the pace it would require to keep it reasonable in length. It's a very good story IMO. One thing I've noticed is the structure of some of these you've posted. They seem quite original I'll say and leave it at that. Myself, I tend to set a cadence with the syllables as they seem to flow better...again IMO. Maybe it's our different backgrounds and cultures, who knows? I think you have a talent for telling a story in your lyrics and I enjoy them all, I think{I'm doing that alot today, no wonder my head hurts..lol} if you can tighten up the structure, say what you want with less lines/words there would be no stopping you. Yes I know the nature of how it's put to music is the tell all of if it works or not, but thats what you get for asking me what I think.{LOL}

Heres a take on how I would do this if I had had the original thought.....I may regret this, but...what do you think?



Echoes in time (X4rewrite)

The music store still stands on the south side of town
Guitars in the window could use a dusting down
Cared for by an old man who once was somebody
A flower child dependent on his memories

His little shop at one time was the talk of town
He stocked the finest guitars for miles all around
Well known big name players would travel from afar
just to hangout with him, and watch him make guitars

The old man hesitates
As he flips the open sign
Now the music has all gone
it's just echoes left in time

The store was once so vibrant, jam sessions would flare
Attracted pretty girls with flowers in their hair
Girls are now grown women the flowers have all died
Stars have gone and faded their guitars put aside

He stares at the window painted words of closed down
pauses for a moment takes one last look around
like those days of yesteryear once again he's free
As his mind drifts off to a place in memory

The old man hesitates
As he flips the open sign
Now the music has all gone
it's just echoes left in time

found him in the back room clutching an old guitar
now he's on his own tour amongst the other stars
Music life was good to him, like an easy chair
Now he's joined the others he knows he's welcome there

Now I think of that old man
When I see an open sign
How the music has all gone
it's just echoes left in time

[carol m]

That's interesting Kenny because I see you are assuming the old man died. I was about to ask Chris if that's what he meant, or if the old man was just dreaming about the old days and the music. You have to make the extra assumption that the fact that those two are both dead is the whole 'point' to interpret it that way.

Mind you, a bit of ambiguity in a song can make it a talking point among the fans when you are rich and famous so its not necessarily a bad thing to have two possible meanings.