New Lyrics for Comments

knight46 · #1 February 15th, 2008

As always all comments are welcome...

Legends

A gentle wind caressed the bow
And pushed my little boat to shore,
Where forest citizens stood proud
Silently protecting Natures door,
Around the hull the tapping waves
Said “Come with us, let’s play some more”,
But I sat and watched the setting sun
As the stillness became a deafening roar.

Then the bellow of an old Bullfrog
Would break the silence now and then,
As crickets serenaded the night
Singing to a long lost friend,
And awed by Natures grand design
Afraid to break this fragile spell
I sit alone yet surrounded
In this place where Legends Dwell
This place where Legends Dwell

X4StringDrive · #2 February 15th, 2008

Nice one Knight, I was waiting for the elves and fairies to appear{lol}.
I'm a little confused about the stillness becoming a deafening roar followed by the bullfrogs bellow breaking the silence...just doesn't sit well to my thinking unless I've misread your message. Also "citizens" is another itch to me, maybe dwellers to go with your final lines?
Nice as I said, gives a good visual!

knight46 · #3 February 15th, 2008

Thanks Kenny, your comments are alway welcomed. Still thinking about this one...will probably rewrite after the weekend.

allthumbs · #4 February 15th, 2008

I'm with X. Also., you could be a bit more subtle maybe. The overt references to nature are a tad generic and the theme is obvious so doesn't need to be so baldly stated. You can really fiennes those parts and make them your own.

billywhitebread · #5 February 16th, 2008

this seems a little jimmy buffett like...keep working ,you are on the right track....

carol m · #6 February 16th, 2008

Great effort Knight. I tend to agree with Kenny about the deafening roar and the bellowing bull frogs. AT makes some good points too. Looking forward to the re-write - do you have any ideas for the sort of style of music?

eddiez152 · #7 February 17th, 2008

Knight,

I thought this to be a nice writing, The line with "the stillness became a deafening roar". Is a creative way of saying something became so apparent in the still of the silence. The roar of silence is not uncommon in text.

starsailor · #8 February 18th, 2008

Nice one Knight this will be good look forward to seeing the finished song are you going to have a chorus with it?

knight46 · #9 February 18th, 2008

Thanks all for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it.

AT - Yep this was really quick, a thought I had to get down

Thanks Billy

Carol - Thinking about something kind of light to go with the feel of a warm summers night.

Eddiez - That is exactly what I was heading for "The Dawn came up like Thunder..." maybe it doesn't work as well in lyrics as in poetry.

Thanks Chris, got tied up this weekend (not literally) and wasn't able to get anything done. Maybe this week I can sit down with these comments and do a rewrite with a Chorus.

windsong · #10 February 29th, 2008

Maybe when an artist reaches their own spirit in creativity they connect to what they are doing in depth. "as a stillness became a deafening roar". For some reason I connected with that.
I dont know if you are going to continued with it, but if youdo let me know.

knight46 · #11 February 29th, 2008

Thanks Windsong...there have been times when I have been almost surrounded by silence and it impresses me so much that I tried to convey the feeling.

eddiez152 · #12 February 29th, 2008

Knight,
You did !

knight46 · #13 February 29th, 2008

Thanks Eddie, as always appreciated.

johnnydoxx · #14 February 29th, 2008

Nice job - can feel the varied sensations of being at a remote campsite alone.

Just one minor comment - 'the place where Legends dwell' is not foretold or hinted by the preceding lyrics. Maybe some cues above would help bring it into the song. Or if you write one, a chorus could relate it into the rest.

starsailor · #15 February 29th, 2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by johnnydoxx

Nice job - can feel the varied sensations of being at a remote campsite alone.

Just one minor comment - 'the place where Legends dwell' is not foretold or hinted by the preceding lyrics. Maybe some cues above would help bring it into the song. Or if you write one, a chorus could relate it into the rest.

I agree that is a great line and it makes the reader/listener want to know more so it can lead into another verse or into the chorus, that line really sets the song up it's a great hook.