[timvass]

Ok this is nearly finished.
I havn't written anything for 20 yrs so this feels like the first time .

I have a tune and have attached a rough mix of a couple of verses and a chorus so you get the idea

Your no good For Me

If I stay I know I’ll get burned
I know you’ll hurt me If I keep hanging around you
When there’s trouble it always finds you
Baby your no good for me

I said I’m leaving I wont take any more
But I got your call and now I’m standing at the door
should have wiped your mobile number ,given back the key
Cos baby your no good for me

Chorus
Please let me off this roller coaster ride
Cos there’s too many lows and not enough highs

Girls are from Venus men are from Mars
But you’re really out there way beyond the stars
We speak a different language why cant I make you see
Baby your no good for me

I said I’m leaving I wont take any more
But I got your call and I’m standing at the door
Should have wiped that stupid number ,given back the key
Cos baby your no good for me




I thoght thats not bad then ....that not very good then I dont care when its finished if I dont like it Ill write another

What do you think????








I

[starsailor]

That's cool Timvass, great vibe you have going there

[Doug]

very nice Tim - got a JJ Cale feel to it. It was a bit hard to decipher the lyrics from the recording - the guitar kinda overwhelmed the voice. Maybe you could play the chords up higher on the neck while singing so that the guitar doesn't interfere with your voice (which is pretty low). Or adjust the volume of your voice a bit higher in the mix. Also, the first verse has no rhymes as far as I can see but the others do. Maybe you can rework that first verse.

Very well done - I liked it.

[eddiez152]

Tim,
Say that was pretty good. Liked the playing and vocals too.
Both could be brought up more but nice.

[Lcjones]

Originally Posted by timvass

Ok this is nearly finished.
I havn't written anything for 20 yrs so this feels like the first time .
.............

I thoght thats not bad then ....that not very good then I dont care when its finished if I dont like it Ill write another

What do you think????

As I am the DarkHorse ....

I'll not critique the lyric, rather, the attitude.

What I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think you need to get past the "I don't care" attitude with your lyrics. If you don't care then why write and post the lyric of a song you don't care about? Writing lyrics is serious business. A sense of accomplishment, rather than a sulk, should be associated with each new lyric you write.

You say you wrote lyrics 20 years ago. Did you care then?

Yes, I'm being rather harsh. It's a pity to see someone sink time and effort into a lyric just to read that they don't care about the lyric. That, to me, is nothing but a cop out and a way of not taking responsibility for the work.

1) You cannot be afraid to write a crappy lyric.
2) The more crappy lyrics you write, the better you get at writing good lyrics.
3) You cannot be afraid of what someone else will say about your lyric.

Don't tell me you don't care because I see it as you do care. You went to all the trouble to post the lyric. Stand up and take credit. Good or bad! It's your baby. It's your work.

And everyone gains when pride is taken in work.

**
LC











I[/quote]

[eddiez152]

Makes sense.

[timvass]

Easy Tiger !!!! What we have here is a failure to communicate ."I dont care" in the context of my comments was supposed to convey the fact that after 20 years I was not going to let fear of failure stop me writing ,and if It didnt work I would simply try again.

Of course I cared 20years ago,so much so that I published nothing out of fear people would hate it or worse still laugh.

Its probably a cultural thing ,heavy irony and under statement are sort of a British thing maybe.

If we are going to critique attitude you might want a bit more to go on than one sentance before passing judgement ,it might make you appear a little pompus ????

[Aunt Doty]

I like it! I agree that the 1st verse might need to be reworked. Nice voice/vocals, need to be a little louder. Liked your music!
I think you're right.............sounds like it's going to be a very nice song!

[X4StringDrive]

Originally Posted by timvass

What we have here is a failure to communicate .

I agree with that, mainly because I'm learning how hard it is to say what we mean with merely the written word.
I too thought you were referring to your lyric as ...if no one likes it, I'll just write another.That is partially a good train of thought but not the complete basis to being a songwriter. I feel its good in the sense that you won't be offended by critques to the point of giving up, one does need that coat of armor to survive. That line of yours was just one of those deals where it didn't come across as you thought it would, which happens a lot in writing{at least I feel so}. goes hand in hand with the way people interprit others thoughts by mere words on paper or screen.

Not trying to defend LC Jones, I feel he was merely expressing his love for and devotion to the art of lyric/songwriting. In much the same way you came right back trying to defend yourself. And neither response did much of anything towards helping or critiquing each other in a useful way. This should be a great learning experience for anyone with a desire to convey their feelings thru words and words alone...it takes a great deal of effort and thought to say what we want others to feel/understand.

OK my ranting is over {for now }

I thought your lyrics were very good along with your playing. I too felt the vocals should come up a bit, and I also had a difficult time with the first verse{although you pulled it off IMO with the music} Well done and I'm looking forward to more of your stuff..............Kenny

[Lcjones]

timvass,

Thank you for the clarification. I'm glad we cleared that up.

In every single post I make regarding lyrics, I tell like I see it with explanations why I see it that way. I don't pull punches. I don't coddle. I give accolades when I find them. Ask any one.

**
LC

[Lcjones]

************

Thanks for posting this lyric for us all to read.

In verses two, three and four you have a rhyme scheme. AABB. Verse one does not have a rhyme scheme. The first verse is the verse to dazzle and sell the listener on the song. By having a mixed rhyme scheme the listener is going to be confused. Verse one should be re-written to match the rhyme scheme of the following verses.

The hook. "You're No Good For Me". Not a bad hook though rather cliche. Whats interesting is you've chosen to use your hook in the last line of each verse. Dylan was a good one for that. (bonus points) But I would rather see used in a killer chorus. Build up the listener in the verses for the payoff in the chorus.

The current chorus itself is weak. Actually, I would take the idea of the roller coaster and build another verse around it and maintain the "hook in verse" method. As a matter of fact, I would use the "roller coaster" theme, build a hook from it and write the entire song from the "up and down, roller coaster" perspective. I bet that would be much, much more interesting.

I'd drop verse four. While not totally the same as verse two, the basic repeat of verse two in verse four isn't strong enough to support it being done twice.

I hope my thoughts help in some way.

**
LC

[Ian McAllister]

As someone else who hasn't written anything for ages, I applaud you. Is this song typical of the way you want to write? I also thought it had a great JJ Cale vibe to it.
I won't critique the lyrics as I don't feel qualified, but I do agree with LC about the first verse structure.
Have you thought about arrangement, a part of recording and writing often overlooked in our haste to get songs down? Are you going to record with just guitar and vocals, or are you planning to incorporate other instruments?
Your playing is really nice on this, I'm looking forward to your updates.
Best of luck mate,
Ian

[knight46]

Best of luck with your writing, I thought that the tune had a lot of potential, really good vibe. I liked the lyrics and the general tone of the words, again a lot of potential.

[eddiez152]

Tim,
Here is some food for thought. I liked you tune and your vocals.
Lyrics were pretty good, but I am not thinking about them.
I remember Les telling me about some Lyrics I wrote, he said they were "frankly I think they are boreing" now ain't that a kick. Sometimes we do not agree about how something should go.

However, dang it I love it when he puts some fire in one's soul.
You got the music, you got the voice. Now fire up them writing thoughts.
Were all friends here !

eddiez

[diredigits]

I applaud you for making the effort to write, record and post an original song Tim. I have yet to do any of that. If that were my recording I would be quite proud. You implied it was a rough mix, so think of it as a diamond in the rough. Just add a few facets to the lyrics and polish up the mix and I think you've got something. You have a nice voice and a nice playing style, keep it up. I look forward to listening to your next post.