Jesus In Jade -- as promised

Lcjones · #1 May 3rd, 2007

From my Dylanish Days. Your thoughts, deep critique are most welcome.

******

Jesus in Jade ....................08/15/97
Written by L. Chapman Jones

Come into my room and I'll make you smile
She said with a grin but it may take a while
I look to her eyes and a flame I did see
A burning desire directed toward me

So I walked though the door her perfume I could sense
A candle was lit as my body grew tense
She looked at me slowly taking her time
Painting my portrait in the back of her mind

With walls coloured black no light did escape
I could feel her love as I saw her fate
Her hand I touched warm 'neath the hand woven shawl
I'd gambled my heart and I'd lost it all

Please sit by me young man sit down by me close
Did you bring me a present did you bring me a rose
Nothing I offer 'cept my heart on a string
Fragile and frayed only this do I bring

She worked through the maze within my brain
Criss-crossing tracks like that of a train
At once all to fast and then slowing down speed
Pounding my head and making it bleed

We passed words around saying little at all
She took my arm as we walked down the hall
And through windows of rooms that I'll never know
I saw her heart falling soft as the snow

Her shawl she removed and laid on the chair
In a ballet movement that rippled the air
I sat on the edge of the bed she had made
And stared on a statue of Jesus in Jade

Comfort and solice she said with a flair
Untieing the braids that held back her hair
Red as the blood which lies on the ground
From battles of soldiers who died for their crown

And as I sat waitng for words to appear
I remembered my true love though she's nowhere near
And the Jade I beheld gives wisdom to me
Returning my heart which I hold for thee

As I get up to leave and I walk though the door
In a cold voice I heard you'll see me no more
With a shrug of my shoulders I turn and go home
No more shall I wander no more shall I roam
And I play my guitar in a room that is bare
Nobody to listen, nobody is there

**
As always, thanks for getting this far

eddiez152 · #2 May 3rd, 2007

Les,

What an assembly of very fine verses. Your fingers are gonna hurt
when it comes to this tune.
Tells the story well from beginning to end.

Remember to add your bridge and chorus's

knight46 · #3 May 4th, 2007

Les,
Very dark feeling would go great with heavy bass in a minor chord. Feels more like blues than Dylan, but a great story with heavy meaning. Good Job.

allthumbs · #4 May 4th, 2007

Come into my room and I'll make you smile
She said with a grin but it may take a while
I look to her eyes and a flame I did see
A burning desire directed toward me

So I walked though the door her perfume I could sense
A candle was lit as my body grew tense
She looked at me slowly taking her time
Painting my portrait in the back of her mind

With walls coloured black no light did escape
I could feel her love as I saw her fate- What fate?
Her hand I touched warm 'neath the hand woven shawl
I'd gambled my heart and I'd lost it all - wouldn't that be won?

Please sit by me young man sit down by me close
Did you bring me a present did you bring me a rose
Nothing I offer 'cept my heart on a string
Fragile and frayed only this do I bring- why if you have a true love?

She worked through the maze within my brain
Criss-crossing tracks like that of a train- great image but, more associated with rail yards and sidings.
At once all to fast and then slowing down speed
Pounding my head and making it bleed- Don't get the bleed part.

We passed words around saying little at all
She took my arm as we walked down the hall
And through windows of rooms that I'll never know- so you knew it was going to be 1 night stand even though she loved you?
I saw her heart falling soft as the snow

Her shawl she removed and laid on the chair
In a ballet movement that rippled the air
I sat on the edge of the bed she had made
And stared on a statue of Jesus in Jade

Comfort and solice she said with a flair
Untieing the braids that held back her hair
Red as the blood which lies on the ground - changed the whole feel of the lyrics with these 2 lines.
From battles of soldiers who died for their crown

And as I sat waitng for words to appear
I remembered my true love though she's nowhere near
And the Jade I beheld gives wisdom to me
Returning my heart which I hold for thee - JC was all about compassion which this guy showed none of for her.

As I get up to leave and I walk though the door
In a cold voice I heard you'll see me no more
With a shrug of my shoulders I turn and go home- Thats cold!
No more shall I wander no more shall I roam
And I play my guitar in a room that is bare
Nobody to listen, nobody is there- so where is your true love or are you a monk talking about J.C. and temptation.

This song gives a very mixed message. You seem to be talking about a lady of the night but, have several references that imply that she loves you. You went into it knowing it was a one night stand even though you could see she loved you. You then start to demonize her, blood-hair, cold voice etc. Then you dump her with a shrug. Man, that is harsh. It would have been better if the guy showed remorse for the pain he caused her or had some kind of moral center. I feel more empathy for the woman in your tune than the cold unfeeling guy, which I imagine was not your intent.
Pretty phrases but, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This must be one of your earlier works. You have a much better hand on lyrics now. This could be a great tune with a lot of rewriting

Doug · #5 May 4th, 2007

I can hear the Dylan there - from the blood on the tracks era, maybe. You have talent for sure.
I think the rhyming scheme detracts from the darkness of the content. And perhaps the music would tone down some of the rhythm of the words but it has a, what?, iambic pentameter? feel to it in some places like...
"Her shawl she removed and laid on the chair
In a ballet movement that rippled the air"

sounds kind of like - "the stockings were hung by the hearth with great care, in the hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there"

Don't mean to make light of it, Les, some of the lines are very evocative.

Lcjones · #6 May 4th, 2007

**

Looking back on this lyric I'm not real sure where my head was. I think the original intent was a story of one who is both dealing with infatuation and infidelity at the same time. I think the base idea is still good and I believe the hook "Jesus in Jade" is still a killer hook. It was just used wrongly.

Frankly, now as I look back, the lyric is all over the place. I remember playing it in a very Dylanish mode. Two chords I believe. Very boring.

There are a bunch of inconsistent images, as has been pointed out. The story really doesn't flow well at all. I'm sure the same story could be told in 3 verses a bridge and a chorus. But I was certainly indulging myself at the time.

The Jesus In Jade hook had nothing to do with JC, rather, one of those jade carved buddhist you could purchase at souvenir shops.
Which was and still is perfectly clear in my head. But obviously I did not get that across.

Thanks guys for having a go at it.

**

Doug · #7 May 4th, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lcjones

**
The Jesus In Jade hook had nothing to do with JC, rather, one of those jade carved buddhist you could purchase at souvenir shops.**

reminds me of a fridge magnet from Newfoundland - "we found Jesus - he was behind the couch all along"

'course, this has nothing to do with your song

eddiez152 · #8 May 4th, 2007

My interpretation

V1- Women see's a young man lost looking for adventure.
With a smile she invite him in with what appears to be a burning desire.

V2- She is summing him up - is this truely what you are looking for.

V3- He saw her fate. I think not, she saw his. For a moment he forgot about someone he already has.Gambling with his heart for another.

V4- Woman asking what are you offering. Heart on a string. Fragil perhaps from his previous engagment.

V5- She was reading his thoughts criss crossing his mind. He could see she was reading through his mind.

V6- We leave the parlor and down to her room, while looking out side
he senses clean and bright. Nothing to say the further he goes the darker things get.

V7- Now we are here as he stares throught the room, surprised by a statue that cliked in his head.

V8- She sat and made ready her analogy while nothing was said

V9- Now he recognizes he had forsaken his true love that is not in this room. His true complete heart is with someone else.

V10- A cold empty feeling he did recognize his wrong doing as she tells him, you have someone who cares about you as much as you about her. Perhaps you just run into a sore spot between you and her. It will all work out.
So come here no more.

The end.

Thats how I see it.
If I'm wrong remember it was just my opinion and I do not see mixed images here Les. The story flows quite well
in my mind.

eddiez

eddiez152 · #9 May 4th, 2007

Les,

And the jesus figure has a lot of meaning.

Last line.
Nobody to listen, cause nobody's here.

Silence

eddiez

Lcjones · #10 May 5th, 2007

Alright,

Things sorta kinda changed on me here. Sorta kinda went mountain on me. Sorry about the recording. It's muddied up. Wouldn't mind hearing a bit of Kirks slide work in this though. D/C/G. [Wink,Wink]

Jesus In Jade - HiFi - [5.1mb @ 5:15]

Jesus in Jade
08/15/97 ....written by L. Chapman Jones
Rewrite - 05/05/07
**********************

[1]
I was a-walking down the street with a head full of wine
And 'rounding the corner at 35th and Vine
Standing in a doorway 'neath a dirty yellowed lamp
A woman said hello to me and I said howdy ma'am
[2]
She said with a haughty whisper, I can make you smile
If you come up to my room and if you stay a while
I surveyed the woman who stood behind the voice
And wondered bout the times she had been the sailors choice
[3]
Well, I in walked though the door, unknown pain in every step
She lit a scented candle and my body grew tense
She looked me up and down, taking her precious time
She was painting my portrait in the back of her mind
[4]
With walls coloured black no light did escape
I began to feel her love as she determined my fate
Her fingers were hot 'neath the hand woven shawl
I was a-gamblin' with my heart and about to lose it all
[5]
Please sit by me young man won't you sit down by me close
Did you bring me a present, did you bring me a rose
Nothing I can offer 'cept my heart on a string
It's frayed and it's fragile, only this do I bring
[6]
She worked her way 'round my brain, I was a child in her hands
She found out all my secrets and I believe she had this planned
She was moving fast and then she was slowed down her speed
She was a-pounding in my head and she was a-making it bleed
[7]
Well I sat there for a moment and I wondered 'bout her name
I wondered 'bout her gypsy eyes I wondered from where she came
I wondered about the one I left who gave her life to me
I wondered if she's crying now not knowin' where I be
[8]
Well, we didn't speak many words, there weren't much to say at all
And then she took me by the arm she led me down the hall
And through windows of rooms I'll never know
I saw my heart as deep and cold as man could go
[9]
In a simple ballet movement that rippled through the air
She removed her silken shawl it fluttered to the chair
I sat at the edge of the bed where many a heart has been betrayed
And stared at a statue of Jesus in Jade
[10]
Well, old Jesus In Jade had an eye so keen and clear
He pierced my mind and filled me full of fear
Is he taking me down a road where I don't want to be
Is he breaking me down to fall upon my knees
[11]
She said satisfaction I can give to you with care
As she untied the braids that was a-holdin back her hair
Hair as red as blood that flows upon the ground
From a broken heart dying at the edge of a broken town
[12]
And Jesus In Jade with jewels in his eyes
Spoke his words of wisdom, to which I can't deny
He spoke to me of truthfulness in cherishing the one
Who keeps my heart a-beating when dawn brings the sun
[13]
And when he finished his story I found myself alone
From deep within those jaded eyes I wrote this lonesome poem
I know now what I long for and I won't find it here
There's only one place to find my love and I'm a-headin' there
[14]
As I get up to leave and I'm a-walking out the door
In a cold and vanquished voice I heard you'll see me no more
With a twist of my shoulder I turn to head back home
No more shall I wander no more shall I roam

eddiez152 · #11 May 5th, 2007

Les,
you certainly got stamina. Your fingers hurt yet ?
I still loved the original.
That some darn good pickin. I think you had fun with this one. Very creative lyrics.
eddiez

allthumbs · #12 May 5th, 2007

Much better Les. You defined the characters much more clearly. Giving it a country bluegrass feel balanced out the dark content too. Thumbs up. You could play with those lyrics and tune endlessly . It is a great base to work from. I would like to hear a slower cry in your beer country version too.

Lcjones · #13 May 5th, 2007

Thank guys,

Now if I can get some Tony Rice or Doc licks in there .....

Yeah. Stills needs some work on the lyrics. Kinda of wordy on placed. I use the same word in several places. I'd need to fix that.

Thanks again for the input. I never thought I'd be playing this one again.

Not too sure about s slow beer version....

**
LC

eddiez152 · #14 May 5th, 2007

Les,

Glad you were able add it back into your song mix.

Aunt Doty · #15 May 5th, 2007

LC, I'm like Eddie, I liked the first one also but I'm a sucker for a happy ending and wanted the last douple of lines to be on a more positive note. Then I read and listened to the 2nd one and it was good too! I'm ambivalent because I liked both of them!! Keep up the good work. I really don't know how you come up with all the words....I can't write anything!