Ok Trev I'll put my critic's head on, just let me practise the cynical sneer in front of the mirror - ah, got it.
First line strikes me as odd.....
"I've never wondered why
So many people have to lie "
Obviously you HAVE thought about it, otherwise you wouldn't be writing a song about it...."I've often wondered why" would set the scene much better.....especially, as in the next two lines, you're stating your point of view, that it's better to be honest...
second verse starts promisingly - the last two lines could maybe stand a little tweaking though, something along the lines of
"When I look into devious {or maybe "shifty" if you want to be blunt...) eyes,
I can see the truth behind the lies"
The bridge - this is where you should really tie any loose threads up and get the point across....
In my opinion, where you've got one triplet, you could do with two....it's too short to get your point across....
maybe something like
"I don't like closed minds,
I don't like hooded eyes,
You shouldn't even need to ask me why,"
maybe you could repeat that for emphasis, or add on something like
"So don't fob me off
With half-truths and lies,
And evasions you can later deny..."
re-iterating how strongly you feel.....
The bit that's really got me thinking though is the chorus - I'm not a big fan of "la-la's" or "hey-hey's" - to my mind, it gets me thinking the writer's run out of things to say - it can work occasionally, but you've got to be good to pull it off - "Hey Jude" by the Beatles, "Hot Love" by T Rex are about the only good ones that spring to mind....
But in a weird sort of way, this could work - if you treat the "hey-hey's" as a kind of throw-away line, in the same way that you'd throw out the BS that you're hearing from someone who's spinning a line.....
When you've written a song, always look at it as if you're writing a critique of someone else's song - what would I say about this song if I was asked for my opinion? Are there any weak lines? Is there anything I could have said more clearly, more concisely? Have I used any cliches that can't stand another airing?
As always, just MY opinion - I always enjoy reading your songs, you keep coming up with good ideas - this one could apply equally well to bosses (management, as I used to disparagingly refer to "them" when I was a Union rep back in the desperate Thatcher Years.....) or to politicians, who are equally well known for their lack of veracity.... you remember the old joke? How can you tell when a politicians lying? His lips are moving......
So keep writing (voice from offstage - "hah, try and bloody stop him!") but try and think things through and dress them up a little more....a little imagery never hurts,I know it's hard for a blunt-speaking Aussie, in these politically correct times a spade is probably a "garden maintenance entrenching and soil-redistribution tool"....nah, it's a bloody spade!
Vic
