[Hilch]

I was asked recently why I wasn't posting as much as I used to ,

Because I had my hand in plaster and I was actually concentrating a bit of time to writting , since I couldn't play { still can't play )

Here is another song from Hilch vault a little political I suppose but it isn't about politics in my head its' about one word we all take for granted " FREEDOM "

So if we can all just discuss the lyrics on this and not your or my political beliefs it would be Greatly appreciated other wise the mods might delete my song ...

News

I watched the news today
It left me in a sad sad way
All those children dying
And so many women crying
Those petty politians lieing


Their innocence lost forever
Childhood so ghastly severed
Their taument will live ever
Why does it have to go on
I don't care who is right or wrong

Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word
Mr Lennon sang about it
Soldiers died around it
Will we ever see that world

Will we ever see that world


Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word


------------------------------

Feedback is always welcome , and if there is something in there that just don't work for you say so please , I want to get better at writting and bad reviews are just as important as good ones people ..

Cheers

Trev..

[Sano]

Personally I like it. Probably 'cos John Lennon and the Beatles had such an effect on me growing up in the 60s/70s...and looking for a brave new world away from pain and suffering. I'm not sure of one word, "taument". Did you mean 'torment'? It fits for me. The intent of the song comes through for me...sometimes too much fiddling with lyrics can change the original intent. How do you imagine the song to be...slow/fast etc?

Iain

[DemoEtc]

Fantastic lyrics man! To the point, no wasted lines.

Make it into a tune and you'll be there.

Best regards.

[allthumbs]

I corrected some spelling for you. I would change some of the words, but that is more my style than yours so they are ok the way they are.


I watched the news today
It left me in a sad sad way
All those children dying
And so many women crying
Those petty politicians lying


Their innocence lost forever
Childhood so ghastly severed
Their torment will live ever
Why does it have to go on
I don't care who is right or wrong

I see the below as a chorus kind of thing with a change in melody to point out that this is the pay off or the meat of the tune. I see the single line as the last line of the chorus done instrumentally and then again as part of the last two lines.

Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word
Mr Lennon sang about it
Soldiers died around it
Will we ever see that world

Will we ever see that world


Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word


One of your best yet Hiltch.

[eddiez152]

Super words, just waiting for a tune.

[X4StringDrive]

Hey hilch.. I thought that was very good. in my mind the only change would be switch out "another" for just "a"...."where freedom isn't just a word". thats how it plays in my thoughts.

I like how you tell the story..
1st verse -where you are coming from
2nd verse -what you feel
3rd verse - wondering whats next in the future

maybe another consisting of how to see the world if we all could just ??? something along that train of thought... again just my perspective...

nice work Trev.....Kenny

[Hilch]

Hey thanks everyone for the feedback

It is very much appreciated ,

I wasn't to sure about posting it , I'm glad I did now and AllThumbs you have my idea on this in one exactly how I have it in my head , ,,

Kenny This : Freedom isn't just another word , I was being a tad sarcastic , Me and Bobbie McGee { Freedoms just another word fro nothing else to do } maybe I should change it like you said ...
Ohh my next one well that will be a bit of surprise I think , I'm thinking something a little more lifting then my last few songs ...

Thank you all for takeing the time to read this and reply ,

Very much appreciated

Trev...

[X4StringDrive]

Hey Trev, wasn't knocking the "another" part, same thing I was thinking {Janis Joplin} it was just the amount of syllables wasn't going the way I was seeing it. Anyways I put a new disc aside, waiting for your release.

[solidwalnut]

Hi Trev--

Just a couple of thoughts...

The first thing I see is that it really seems you don't have any or a memorable hook line. I guess if you consider

Will we ever see that world
Where freedom just isn't another word

The hook line, it could work, but I think it could be made more memorable. Something like, Will we ever see that world where freedom ain't a store-bought word? Something that's said bit differently that makes the audience think about what you've said.

The other stanzas are a good start. I guess it always depends, but I see where the first two stanzas are one verse, then the chorus and then another full verse. After the next chorus I think if you came up with a bridge section before the final chorus that would top it off.

Great start!

Steve

Originally Posted by hilch

News

I watched the news today
It left me in a sad sad way
All those children dying
And so many women crying
Those petty politians lieing


Their innocence lost forever
Childhood so ghastly severed
Their taument will live ever
Why does it have to go on
I don't care who is right or wrong

Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word
Mr Lennon sang about it
Soldiers died around it
Will we ever see that world

Will we ever see that world


Will we ever see that world
Where freedom isn't just another word


------------------------------

Feedback is always welcome , and if there is something in there that just don't work for you say so please , I want to get better at writting and bad reviews are just as important as good ones people ..

Cheers

Trev..

[Hilch]

Thanks for the ideas Steve I'll try and come up with more for this over the week end hopefully { can not promise anything }

Kenny : Don't worry about a CD mate { have you heard my poor playing and my woeful singing yet ?}


Thanks again

Trev..

[Hilch]

Ok here I go again , people and I want to thank everyone for their input here , I really appreciate it . Any more tweeks anyone can see please reply and offer your suggestions , as you can see I am quite willing to alter things and take advise on board , anything to help me improve is appreciated ...


verse
I watched the news today
It left me in a sad sad way
All those children dying
And so many women crying
Those petty politicians lying


Their innocence lost forever
Childhood so ghastly severed
Their torment will live ever
Why does it have to go on
I don't care who is right or wrong

chorus
Will we ever see that world
Where freedom aint a store bought word
The late Mr Lennon sang about it
So many soldiers died around it
Will we ever see that world

verse
While we all live our lives
How often do we realise
The real suffering that is caused
Good deeds seem to have their floors
I can't watch this , watch this any more

Please let there be some peace
I'm begging please let the children sleep
They deserve a childhood just like ours
And not screaming in their final hours
I'm urgeing each and everyone on of you
Please do what your heart tells you to

bridge
Freedom aint something they got
I'm not alone this won't be forgot
Just let there be freedom
Freedom , freedom

final chorus
Will we ever see that world
Where freedom aint a store bought word
The late Mr Lennon sang about it
So many soldiers died around it
Will we ever see that world


thanks
Trev..

[solidwalnut]

Trev--

Nice job with this. Two things.

It may work for you, so maybe you don't need to do anything, but check the length of each line of the verses you wrote. They're longer than what you established in the first verse. They still might be singable but consider condensing. For example, "I'm begging please let the children sleep" is longer than "It left me in a sad, sad way". With 'poetic license' you can sometimes get away with that, but mainly it's good to match syllable count. Or at least let the difference only be one or two syllables.

It's not so much the syllable count that's important as it is the singability of the phrase. Keep in mind, for example, that in the line, "And so many women crying" that the word 'and' is really a 'pick-up' (or said or sung before the downbeat) syllable. Sometimes pick-up syllables don't count. If that's what you intend.

The difference is that if you're writing for yourself, you know this. If you're writing a lyric with the hopes that someone may like your song and record it, then sometimes a more strict syllable count is the way to go. Artist will often use their own pick-up gimmicks when singing a song. All this to say, learn to be economical with syllables. Less is often more!

Ok, and the second thing is: what does "good deeds seem to have their floors" mean? Maybe this is more clear to y'all down under than to some Arizona desert rat like m'self.

Steve

[Hilch]

Good deeds have their FLAWS it was suppose to be ,,

Flaws :noun: an imperfection

man my spelling is getting bad

A friend is helping me with music so stay tuned , I won't be singing it but hopefully I can play on the recording ...

Thanks

Trev...

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by hilch

Good deeds have their FLAWS it was suppose to be...

Ok, I get it. But consider how that line really doesn't follow what you're saying in the rest of the verse. Maybe continue the thought?

[Hilch]

Thanks Steve

We are currently working on putting this all together , I probably do things around the wrong way , I write first then try and get the music to fit , as we are going along we are tweeking here and there .

I am not very good at playing and doing things like this has helped me understand many different things about music , such as key and chord progressions ..

One day I hope to be able to post my lyrics and a version of my song at the same time and it will actually sound like a song .But for now I write with a tune in my head and follow it where it takes me , I record my woeful singing voice then email it to a mate , he then works out a chord progression and a strum pattern for me ..

I actually did play a song for him and his version was very simular to mine but more polished ...

I'll get there one day but just for now I am enjoying the journey of learning playing and writting maybe one day I will even get a half decent tune out of Aussie mouth ...
Now that would be a miracle ...

Thanks

Trev..