[Matty22]

Well this is pretty crappy i admit. But i noticed this forum has been pretty quiet, so I figured id throw something out there...

I wrote this, after a mate of mine had hassles with his girlfriend, and wound up at my place, needless to say, a little under the weather.

Most of its pretty much true, except for a few bits i drew from my own experiences, and a few that i just plain made up..

Anyway... Critique.... Have fun...

Matty

[Matty22]

Helps if i actually cut and paste the lyrics in, doesnt it?

Flash past my eyes?

[Verse 1]
There’s bushfires burning in the distance
And the smoke haze settles through the range
After I came to see my girl
And we sat down to talk; I knew it wouldn’t end well
When you told me, you needed to take a break

[Chorus]
I saw all the good times that we had
Flash past my eyes
I saw all the things that could become
Flash past my eyes

[Verse 2]
I drove my self home, the only car on the road
I fought my way though the Smokey haze
Still thinking about the good times
As I heard the saddest songs
That were playing on my C D

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
As I drove I wondered, what will happen to us
With a lump in my throat, that just wouldn’t stay down
I looked back through my mirrors
I couldn’t see a thing, through the smoke or was it tears
I just wished to Christ you could see

[Chorus]

[Verse 4]
Now I’m left to sit and wait
And see if things work out
There’s a bottle at my side
That I don’t want to drink
Cuz I pray what’ll happened when

[Chorus]

[Doug]

One thing I really like about this is the bushfires and the smoke that recurs in the verses. As a suggestion, you may consider rewriting the chorus to use the fire/smoke theme more directly. "There's a fire in my heart...." or something.
Although a strict adherence to rhyming schemes can get monotonous, I think a song really needs some rhymes to work properly so you may want to look at adding some rhyming in the verses.

-Doug

[Matty22]

Thanks doug. I didnt do the bushfire thing deliberately. We've had fires going here for a few months and it just kinda happened....

Thanks for havin a captain cook

[Hilch]

Helps if i actually cut and paste the lyrics in, doesnt it?

Ummm ..I'm guessing the answer to that is yes

Matty , now this is just my opinion on song writting and how I like to set a song out ..

1/ Seetle on a rhyme scheme such { AA-BB-CC } etc <--Let me know if that does not make sence..

2/ Put the story in order like morning -noon - nite ..etc

I only say this as the second verse seems it should have been before the first ,

Not all of it just parts like your talking to your girl in the first verse , then in the second verse your driveing home ..Did I miss something here or am I reading this wrong ..

Seeing the bushfires burning in the distance ......

I drove my self home, the only car on the road ....

Then after all that seeing your girl , to me would tell and paint a better picture ,

Of course this is how my warped brain works and may disagree with what you believe ,
It's only my opinion and I just wanted give you some feed back that might be helpful

Cheers

Trev...