[Lcjones]

This was written tonight. After going over some posts regarding rhymes I thought I'd pony up and rhyme like the dickens! But rest assured this is a real song in progress and will eventually find it's way ...... some where.

Your deep critique is more than welcome.


It's an acoustic only practice recording. Sniffles are no charge.

Keep My Heart From Breaking - HiFi - [3.2Mb @ 3:25]

Just Keep My Heart From Breaking
*****************************************
Chapman Jones - 01/19/07 ASCAP

[V1]
My love grows like flowers grow
On the side of the road
And my heart beats with rhythms deep
About to explode

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[V2]
Within your eyes far beyond the skys
Of blue
I dream of dreams that make it seem like I'm
With you

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Bridge]
One heart alone is none
Two hearts can blind the sun

[V3]
So I'm here inside my sphere of lone
li-ness
And it's so clear you'll disappear in a
ghostly mist

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Tag]
Just keep my heart from breaking


Creative Commons
Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 License
**
As always, thanks for getting this far!

Les

[CanuckTodd]

Hey Les,
Nice effort. I liked the guitar sound, melodic and relaxing and kept it moving along in between the pauses in the singing. I think you've got the start of something here worth refining.

The lyrics were ok, but for me, a bit too predictable. I guess the song title gets me about a breaking heart. (Remember the Achy Breaky Heart) It's a universal feeling, most of us have experienced it and if we haven't we will one day, but I wonder if there's a more subtle way to define a broken heart, instead of talking directly about a broken heart.
Maybe this is just me. But another universal truth that many authors strive to capture is the lost innocence of youth. Millions of pages have been written about it. But that's why Don Henley's song, This is the end of the Innocence has always bugged me. It taps into a great area, and he could create a song to capture the end of the innocence, but then goes right at it and flat out calls it that. I'm not sure you follow my drift, but I suppose I'm in favour of a lyric that finds something unusual and powerful to define the obvious.
Like... from Wish You Were Here.
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears."

Powerful image... two people, stuck in a fish bowl, trapped in a rut, seeing the same things over and over again... doomed to repeat life and the same fears over and over again.

So, a simple image from our homes, a fish bowl, transformed into a powerful lyric that easily defines the angst and meaning of the tune... Well, I'm rambling.

The vocals also seem slightly strained and maybe you can find another lower key that is more in keeping with your vocal range.

Don't mean to be too critical, I always love listening to your stuff. You are a talented player, song writer and artist. But I think when you ask for a detailed critique you are asking for more than, "hey, good job Dude!"

[Chris C]

Good stuff.

I loved your playing and your voice. To be honest I didn't expect to like the song, based on a reading of the words, but as so often happens the music and voice brought it all to life. Some minor things, as I'm thinking that's what you're asking for:

A couple of the pauses in the middle of words didn't seem to work quite as well as others (like "ghost...........ly").

I also wasn't so sure about to emphasis on "yours for the taking" and wondered how it would sound with a longer "for" and a short "the taking".

About the only other thing was that I thought the first verse could have been stronger. It didn't quite do it for me. Fiction writers often start with a dummy beginning and then write fresh starting paragraphs last of all - because a good punchy opening is seen as being very important.

But these are minor points indeed. I'm green with envy. And the real test is that for the last few minutes your song has been looping around and around 6 or 7 times, and I've enjoyed it every time. I'm usually very quick on the kill button with songs from forums.

Good job. I'd love to be half as good...

Cheers,

Chris

[allthumbs]

[quote=Lcjones]This was written tonight. After going over some posts regarding rhymes I thought I'd pony up and rhyme like the dickens! But rest assured this is a real song in progress and will eventually find it's way ...... some where.

Your deep critique is more than welcome.




Just Keep My Heart From Breaking
*****************************************
Chapman Jones - 01/19/07 ASCAP

[V1]
My love grows like flowers grow - like how,why.
On the side of the road
And my heart beats with rhythms deep
About to explode

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[V2]
Within your eyes far beyond the skys
Of blue
I dream of dreams that make it seem like I'm - very common phrasing.
With you

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Bridge]
One heart alone is none
Two hearts can blind the sun

[V3]
So I'm here inside my sphere of lone
li-ness
And it's so clear you'll disappear in a - why
ghostly mist

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
It's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Tag]
Just keep my heart from breaking


That has possibilities. There are a few unclear parts as well as some pretty standard phrases that could be changed.

[Lcjones]

Thanks guys for spending a few minutes of your time with me. Your thoughts and comments are always welcome. I appreciate honest, from the gut critique.

My thoughts .. the day after...

The song is not strong out of the gate. I think it's just a nice melody and as Chris mentioned, a relaxing little tune as it stands. For my own little trip down melody lane, I took the same track as posted and added another acoustic plus a little slide work. It totally changed the the way the song was delivered. I'm also working on some harmonies.

Lyrically its not a power song. In my mind, the second verse is the weakest link. The chorus is not real strong but I think only needs a small adjustment.

One of the bigger problems I'm trying to overcome is the "build up" to the chorus. Both melodically and lyrically. Coming to grips with my inability to create tension and release is hard.

Anyway, thats a little bit on my mind about this tune. Thanks again for your thoughts and ideas.

I"ll be working on this one as I sorta kinda like it.


**
Les

[Lcjones]

Just side note .....

Expressing ones self to another is drastically different that one communicating to another.

Thanks again.

**

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Lcjones

This was written tonight. After going over some posts regarding rhymes I thought I'd pony up and rhyme like the dickens! But rest assured this is a real song in progress and will eventually find it's way ...... some where.

Your deep critique is more than welcome.


It's an acoustic only practice recording. Sniffles are no charge.

Yes sir, may I have another!! Several more please! They add alot of flavor

Generally speaking, I think this song flows very nicely. I have trouble over the stuttering of syllables, the breaking up of words. They don't bother me a great deal, but they seem to stick out to me. And if they stick out, they should be worth something, imo!

I think the melody and the chording are a wonderful fit. It's a sing-songy type like you and I grew up loving and so I am probably biased. But hey, there's alot of people out there like me and you

From reading your comments I know that you already realize that you might be able to work with the tension and release. I think that's one component of this that would help to bring it together.

The other area is that I think the lyric could use some better imagery. While really good and true, it all seems a bit plain. I have trouble relating to it because I'm not feeling that you're telling me your story, just some story from somebody else, if that makes sense. You know, maybe add in that element that says that these are your feelings you're laying out here. Tell us this story, that we have heard before, in a way that makes it Les' story.

That's about it for now, my friend. A great start. I really look forward to what you might be able to do with this.



Steve

[Lcjones]

[V2]
Within your eyes far beyond the skys
Of blue
I dream of dreams that make it seem like I'm - very common phrasing.
With you

**

really?

**

[eddiez152]

Les,
I thought the guitar work was very good. Liked the tune. It remined me of a tune style that Kermit did on a Muppets movie. Sounded very youth like. You know, kid falls in love, trying to let her know about his first loves feeling. Lost for words.

Just keep my heart from Breaking
Chapman Jones - 01/19/07 ASCAP
edited from original

[V1]
My love shows like flowers that grow
On the side of the road
And my heart beats with rhythms deep
About to explode

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
And it's all yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[V2]
Within your eyes beyond the skys
Of blue - (she's lost but he's not)
But I have dreams that seem like I'm
With you

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
And it's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Bridge]
One heart alone is none
Two hearts can blind the sun

[V3]
So I'm here inside my sphere of lone
li-ness
But it seems so clear you may disappear in a
ghostly mist

[Chorus]
I've got all this love
To give to you
And it's yours for the taking
Just keep my heart from breaking

[Tag]
Please just keep my heart from breaking

Thats only my way of seeing it.

As always, its your take.

eddiez152

[eddiez152]

LC,
As far as the key change goes, listen to the tune "Right Field" and "Its raining" performed by Peter,Paul, and Mary. I think you'll get my point.

eddiez152
"writers and critics through out the land don't critisize what you don't understand".
Bob Dylan.