New original song - "In You" (input requested!)

Jim · #1 July 9th, 2006

This is a song the words to which I've had around for a while, but I just wrote the music (melody and harmony) today. This is a first take of the song, and I'd really like input from other song writers about what I could do to improve this - both lyrically and melodically. It is unusual because the chorus is not evenly spaced througout the song - it doesn't appear until after 3 verses, but it doesn't feel right coming too soon in the song.

This reads as though it should be a happy kind of song, but the music that kept coming to me was rather melancholy and, well, it kind of sounds to me like a love song from the Renaissance or a period like that! Definitely not a 21st century sound...

As I noted last week, I have just picked up fingerpicking after a 30 years lapse from it, so there are some mistakes in here. The melody is also "under construction" so it sounds surer in some places than others - in general I think it tends to get more solid as the song goes on and I feel more sure of where I want it to go. This is not the final recording of this - I would really like input on all aspects of writing and performing this, because I'd like to get this as good as I can, and of course I will also practice it - whatever "it" ends up being - so that I get a good, clean performance and recording done.

Here's the song:

In You (Version 1)

And here are the lyrics:

==============================

“In You”
Copyright 2006 James V. Signorile, ASCAP

Down streets of joy I've walked,
Down those of sadness, too.
But now love, I find,
Has come to me in you.

And though the days were long,
The nights a hundred so,
Time now floats gently by,
And down its stream I flow.

The morning sky, I watch,
Pulled to its bed of day.
The sun, a reveled star,
Rolling out to play.

(Chorus)
You know that I love you.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

The dreams of peace and love and joy,
Are all but one to me.
You I hold in my heart,
most separately.

(Chorus)
You know that I love you.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

This dream of ours can last until,
All dreams have ceased to be.
Though others may not think it so,
Your love has set me free.

(Chorus)
You know that I love you.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

=============================

allthumbs · #2 July 9th, 2006

I think you need to think about what your saying vs what your playing. The words don't fit the feel of the music. It would if you put your lyrics in the past tense. To help you get a feel for the flow of your words, clap your hands to a beat and see where the words fall if you get my meaning.

Down streets of joy I've walked,
Down those of sadness, too.--------Flows better without Down.
But now love, I find,----awkward. Love the feeling or love the person.
Has come to me in you.--------with you, through you. I would rewrite those 2 lines completely

And though the days were long,
The nights a hundred so,-----A hundred what, hours, degrees?
Time now floats gently by,---
And down its stream I flow.----Nice 2 lines.

The morning sky, I watch,---
Pulled to its bed of day.---Bed? morning suggests beginning, action bed = sleep
The sun, a reveled star,-----who revelled it?
Rolling out to play.----- great line. Rework this verse.

(Chorus) This is very generic. You need to make it yours. This is the payoff. You need
You know that I love you.--lines that are memorable. This is the heart of the tune.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

The dreams of peace and love and joy,--too many ands
Are all but one to me.--your saying you almost have all the above? So what does your
You I hold in my heart,--girl have to do with that? Separately from what? The three
most separately.--above????

(Chorus)
You know that I love you.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

This dream of ours can last until,
All dreams have ceased to be.
Though others may not think it so,- why wouldn't they think so?
Your love has set me free. --free from what?

(Chorus)
You know that I love you.
You know that I need you.
You know that I need and love you.

=============================[/quote]
The music is fine. You just need to adjust the tense or focus of the lyrics on have you gained or lost. The words say gain but, the music says loss. Try an AABAAB form to balance out the verse and chorus. Good luck.

Jim · #3 July 9th, 2006

Thanks Marty!

That's exactly the kind of input I'm looking for. I've never been terribly successful at the lyrics part of songs - but I want to get better because it rather restricting not to have the words...

Maybe that's why most of the music I've written is instrumental (ya think?).

I will be reworking it this week. Your input is invaluable!

Thanks again!
Jim

Fretsource · #4 July 9th, 2006

Great effort Jim. Keep it up. I'm glad you'll take ATs advice too. His analysis was very impressive. Take care of those few problem areas and you'll really have something to be proud of.

Jim · #5 July 9th, 2006

Thanks!

Marty always has great constructive input - and so do many others - and I've really learned a lot since joining this site.

Jim

737blues · #6 July 9th, 2006

I like the melody Jim and once you get that fingerpicking fluent again it will be a really nice song. AT has given you some great comments on the lyrics. This is not meant to be a smart remark at all Jim, but have you ever taken any singing lessons? You obviously enjoy singing as well as playing and probably you would find voice training both enjoyable and helpful too

Jim · #7 July 9th, 2006

The only voice training I've had is sight-singing as part of my music degree - but I've always been an instrumentalist.

I've never really considered myself a singer - I really just started up doing it again after not touching it since the 80s. First, I want to get my playing up to par - and then I'll consider voice training. I've really never thought of it before - but I appreciate the idea - sincerely!

Jim

si16 · #8 July 9th, 2006

Jim, if it's just voice and guitar I think you need to emphasize the bass notes on the guitar a bit more, try to let them ring longer. i think once you have more confidence with the song your playing and singing will improve. I agree with AT that the chorus needs a rewrite, also that second line of the chorus seems a bit high for your vocal range.

Keep us updated with this one Jim.

Jim · #9 July 9th, 2006

Thanks si16!

I agree about the bass notes - a lot of that was just my very rusty finger picking as I wanted the bass to be more pronounced, but I just had trouble executing it.

I will keep you updated!

Jim

CanuckTodd · #10 July 11th, 2006

Hey Jim,
I've been out of the loop for a few days and just gave this a listen now.
It does sound melancholic for sure. I liked the basic tune and the lyrics, tweaked a bit would make for an interesting tune. I'm the last guy to talk about singing, but I agree that some of the high notes seemed a stretch and sounded strained. Funny, I just listened to Harvest by Neil Young on my way home from work, and you do sound like him.

Jim · #11 July 11th, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by CanuckTodd

Hey Jim,
I've been out of the loop for a few days and just gave this a listen now.
It does sound melancholic for sure. I liked the basic tune and the lyrics, tweaked a bit would make for an interesting tune. I'm the last guy to talk about singing, but I agree that some of the high notes seemed a stretch and sounded strained.

Thanks for giving this a listen Todd.

It's funny that even though the words are positive, the feelings I got when playing around with melody/harmony were indeed melancholy. I think it was more my mood that day that formed the music than the words - and I think maybe rather than try and change the words to be melancholic as well, I should just find new music for the words (and fix them up in ways AT suggested) and use the music for this for something else... I had trouble in the high spots where it sounds strained coming up with a melodic line I liked, and that's a sign that I was going in the wrong direction...

Maybe this tune should be a pure instrumental piece - that I can really do more with the harmony and colors on. I'm no wordsmith, that's for sure, but I'd sure like to be able to write complete songs - and ones I can sing well too!

Quote:

Originally Posted by CanuckTodd

Funny, I just listened to Harvest by Neil Young on my way home from work, and you do sound like him.

Now THAT is a real compliment!!! I hope that I do have at least a little of Neil's sound in my voice. I didn't try for that - that's just how I sing. Someone once said my singing was a weird mix of Dylan and Young...only different!

Thanks again Todd - I think these may still be words in search of music, and I may have composed new music here that will be used for a totally new piece.

Jim

nocat · #12 July 12th, 2006

Hi, Jim...!!!

I love the theme(sentiment) of the song... A very nice chord progression, as well...!!!
It also has a very distinct melody, well thought out and rhythmic...

The thing that stands out for me, is the hesitation... Almost as if you have to pause to
remember what comes next... But this is nothing major... It will go away as you keep
playing it... I understand this is a rough draft... But the song almost demands fluidity.
As I listen to it, I envision gentle waves washing in and out on a desolate beach...

It is a wonderful song, Jim... Well worth the polishing effort...!!!

Cheers
Ben

Jim · #13 July 12th, 2006

Thank you bro!

Yes - I was just working out the melody and rhythm of the words to fit together and there were places I was really unsure of how to phrase things, and thus hesitation. I was torn between polishing it up more and then posting it, or finding out first (with this rough draft) if this was a song worth polishing or not - pursing or not. I chose the second, and I'm glad I did, even though it won't win any prizes, I at least know some of the major flaws with it that have to be changed before I have anything to polish...

I'm still torn - because the mood of the words and music don't match, and I said as much when I posted it - but I don't know that I want to change the words so much that they become as melancholy as the music. It was supposed to be a love song, but a sweet one, not a sad one, or one of loss. So, do you think I should continue trying to marry these words (even as fixed up as AT recommended) with this music, or have them each go on to lead separate lives... new music created for the words and new use of this music...either with new words or as a purely instrumental piece? I'm not sure these belong together, and it may be futile to try and force them into the same song.

This songwriting stuff is not easy - I really envy those that can put out great words and music together. Words have always been my weak point.

Jim

nocat · #14 July 12th, 2006

I don't hear melancholy or sadness when listening to this song... More like, reflection and
soul searching, in light, not darkness... I believe that the cadence and choice and placement
of the chords fit the words very well...!!!
Don't forget that there are embellishments that can be added throughout the piece which
will color and accentuate certain phrasings and passages to create whichever emotion
you are trying to convey...

Again, my vote goes for the present structure...!!!

Cheers
Ben

Jim · #15 July 12th, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by nocat

Don't forget that there are embellishments that can be added throughout the piece which will color and accentuate certain phrasings and passages to create whichever emotion you are trying to convey...

Again, my vote goes for the present structure...!!!

Bro,

Really good point about the embellishments! I will see if I can marry these words and music together!

Jim