[kiendoc]

Well, please bear with me but I need an opinion on some lyrics again before I try to put any music down for them, thanks in advance, sorry for the length but thought it was necesary to get the story across,all advice welcome.

Hello mama, yeah it's me, you're look'n good, how ya
been?
Yes, I know, it's been awhile since I dropped in.
You see, I'm really busy, with what, did you say?
Oh, nothing really, you know how things are, the
job, wife and kids.

Then she looked me in the eye and said what
seemed to be the strangest thing,
"No, I don't know...how many do you say you have?
You see I loose track sometimes, being here all alone,
and even if anyone comes,at times it's like their not
really here,
a quick visit, some small talk, no time for food or
drink.
Do you remember how we once sat around the table
talk, laugh and often sing?"


I don't keep pictures 'round no more, their just a
reminder no ones there,
but I think of everyone each day, and I try to do
my best.
I'd see you to the door, but I'd rather remember
you sitting with me here,
you go on now, I know you're busy, and I don't
want to be a pest.

Fighting back the tears, I began to rise and
leave,
then I remembered all those years, mama was
never too busy for me.
Go out and play,she'd say, get out from under
my feet,
then in a moment she'd grin and say, "be
careful now,and be home when it's time to
eat."

She wrote me every day when I served in
Uncle Sams' hell,
she always gave me hope and inspiration, and
all her love as well.
OH, there were times I revolted, got head-
strong, had to have my way.
And she'd always give me a stern warning,
this'll come back to you someday.

But my life was so important, or so I thought
it was,
why, the world was my oyster, that just
couldn't wait.
I got my education, thought I knew it all,
had a good wife, job, man I was standing
tall.
We'd visit now and then, on holidays,or
birthdays and special events, but we
didn't stay long,time wouldn't permit.

Now I look at mama, and I understood
what she had meant,
for now I have no wife, family to speak
to, and home is a place of loneliness and
regret.
That's why I'm here to visit mama, trying
to ease this lonely load,
and as I sat back down,I knew, there's
nothing waiting for me down the road.

I said, mama, if it's not too much trouble
to, I mean, if you've got any coffee or
tea,
I'd love it if you could have some with me.
Lord, you should have seen her eyes light
up,
we talked and laughed, as she fixed a
bite to eat.
For those few hours we talked and we
remembered, all the good, none of the
bad,
and that time we spent, oh how it was
so sweet.

I told her "I'll be back to visit again."
She said you're welcome anytime, with
a cute little grin.
It was the next day when I heard the
news, mama had passed away.
They said when she was found,there
was a smile and a radiance on her
face,
and I cried when I was told..... of the
family pictures 'round her bed she
had placed.


Optional: When I think of death, I think of lying
alone in the grave,
but Jesus and mama taught me long
ago,
well, it just isn't that way.
Mama's not alone now, and never
will be again.
Even on her last day, she taught me
a great lesson.....your present can
decide your future, so be very
careful my friend.
For if seeds of pain and loneliness
are all you sow along lifes' way,
just remember mamas' warning....
It'll come back to you someday.


Truly sorry for the lenght, I,ll probably do it in
narration style set to a background melody. Thanks again for your patience...........Kiendoc

[carol m]

Interesting lyrics keidoc and they flow well. I was confused at verse 7 where the narrator is still on the same visit (I think) and yet now he has no wife or family, with no explanation or hint about why or how? ie a logic thing.

I also lost sympathy for the narrator when it turns out he has only come to visit to lighten his own load of loneliness - I think that's what happened?

I personally would have preferred it if she hadn't died, and especially not the very next day - a bit too convenient for the story/song lyric? And that reduced the truth/impact of the earlier lines of the song for me.

Or if you want to include her death in this song maybe a line or two to show it was at some point later on and he can then reflect about how the photos are back - and she was therefore not so lonely and sad, which makes the narrator less selfish - because then his visits would be seen to be the reason for the change.

Just my opinion kiedoc, so disagree by all means, I really won't mind.

[kiendoc]

Some valid points Carol, I'ii work in another verse, I guess the next day death is a little too coincidental, but it's a true story.
As far as the narrator being selfish, that's the point I wanted to get across and he realized this.....too late.
ast The narrator was on the same visit, but was reviewing his past in his own mind. His present loneliness(which he brought upon himself. made him realize how his mama must have felt and how he felt(justifibly) responible. And in the end , where but family can you seek redemption unconditionly?

I really appreciate you,you gave me something to think about.
Let me know if the above makes any sense and I'll do a rewrite before I put any chords down.

Thanks so much.......Kiendoc

[starsailor]

Hello Kiendoc, Actually made me realise I haven't spoken to my Mother for 6 Months, hope you don't mind but I did a little rewrite took out a few joining words and added a little bit to the first verse, no worries if you don't like the changes nothing major bit nervous about doing it but wanted to try and help if I could, easy song to relate to, think we can tend to get wrapped up in our own lives but most Mothers understand I think they are just happy to know we're ok that's what my Mum says to me but I should pay her a visit too. Agree about the loss of the Wife and Family that does need to be clarified can be woven into verse 6 the listener just needs to know why they've gone doesn't need a whole verse, You shouldn't change the part about Mama passing away the next day as that's what happened but it's up to you, this is quite long but it's nice writing Kiendoc and made me think a bit.

Best Wishes

Chris


Hello mama, yeah it's me, you're look'n good, how ya
been?
Yes, I know, it's been awhile since I dropped in.
You see, I'm really busy, with what, did you say?
Oh, nothing really, you know how things are, the
job, wife and kids the time just ebbs away.

She looked me in the eye and said what
seemed to be the strangest thing,
"No, I don't know...how many Children do you have?
You see I lose track sometimes, being here all alone,
and even if anyone comes,at times it's like their not
really here,
a quick visit, some small talk, no time for food or
drink.
Do you remember how we sat around the table
talking, laughing and often singing too?"


I don't keep pictures 'round no more, their just a
reminder no ones here,
but I think of everyone each day, I try to do
my best.
I'd see you to the door, but I'd rather remember
you sitting with me here,
you go on now, I know you're busy, I don't
want to be a pest.

Fighting back the tears, I began to rise and
leave,
then I remembered all those years, mama was
never too busy for me.
Go out and play,she'd say, get out from under
my feet,
then in a moment she'd grin and say, "be
careful now,and be home when it's time to
eat."

She wrote me every day when I served in
Uncle Sams' hell,
she always gave me hope and inspiration, and
all her love as well.
OH, there were times I revolted, got head-
strong, had to have my way.
And she'd always give me a stern warning,
this'll come back to you someday.

But my life was so important, or so I thought
it was,
why, the world was my oyster, that just
couldn't wait.
I got my education, thought I knew it all,
had a good wife, job, man I was standing
tall.
We'd visit now and then, on holidays,or
birthdays, special events, but we
didn't stay long,time wouldn't permit.

Now I look at mama, and I understood
what she had meant,
for now I have no wife, family to speak
to, and home is a place of loneliness and
regret.
That's why I'm here to visit mama, trying
to ease this lonely load,
and as I sat back down,I knew, there's
nothing waiting for me down the road.

I said, mama, if it's not too much trouble
to, I mean, if you've got any coffee or
tea,
I'd love it if you could have some with me.
Lord, you should have seen her eyes light
up,
we talked and laughed, as she fixed a
bite to eat.
For those few hours we talked and we
remembered, all the good, none of the
bad,
and that time we spent, oh how it was
so sweet.

I told her "I'll be back to visit again."
She said you're welcome anytime, with
a cute little grin.
It was the next day when I heard the
news, mama had passed away.
They said when she was found,there
was a smile, a radiance on her
face,
and I cried when I was told..... of the
family pictures Mama had placed around her bed.

Optional: When I think of death, I think of lying
alone in the grave,
but Jesus and mama taught me long
ago,
well, it just isn't that way.
Mama's not alone now, and never
will be again.
Even on her last day, she taught me
a great lesson.....your present can
decide your future, so be very
careful my friend.
For if seeds of pain and loneliness
are all you sow along lifes' way,
just remember mamas' warning....
It'll come back to you someday.

[kiendoc]

No worries, Chris, I respect your opinions and I agree with you and Carol too, I'll work in the circumstances of the narrators loss, thanks so much for your help, I made a little change in the optional verse, I think it will make it a little clearer and use a more appropriate tense in the lyric structure. I'll holler at ya when I get a chance to redo it a little. I 'm pretty much a beginner,(as if anyone couldn't guess) so your guys opinion mean a lot to me. it's a healing process for me, so good to hear from all of you...Kiendoc

[starsailor]

Hi Kiendoc, The important thing is to get what you're thinking down on the page, I do loads of rewrites of some of my songs before I'm happy with them once all the ideas are on the page you have something to work with and you'll get a song you're comfortable with, Songwriting like any form of writing is also good for the soul it's not good to keep things bottled up and Songs allow us to get things out in the open so are a positive form of expression, sorry you've had such a bad time Kiendoc I hope things can get better for you, we're always willing to help out if we can, look forward to seeing and hearing where you go with this Kiendoc, you're getting the words down which is good it can be the hardest thing to do as sometimes the words just don't come.

Best Wishes

Chris

[kiendoc]

Thanks Chris , I'll keep plugging along. Good to hear from you.

[carol m]

I see I didn't reply to you before, keindoc - sorry. I didn't realise it was a true story so that would make a difference. How's it going, and do you have any music in mind yet?

[kiendoc]

Hey Carol, good to hear from you. I think since this is so long I may have a little trouble working out a chorus, I haven't put any music down yet, but I'm thinking about making part(s) of it a narration seems like I enjoy that type of delivery more than I first realized, it's hard for me to cross-train my narration with my guitar playing, but I'll get it one of these years. I usualy never write this much(lyrics I mean) but they just kind of flow in my mind a lot lately, I try to take things a day at a time, but it's still really hard, thanks so much for asking.
-Ken

[carol m]

When they flow in your mind like that write them down. I find that at times they just keep coming and then not for a while. Don't worry if you think they're not good, write them down anyway. When you look at them later you may suddenly see how they will work or what to add to make a song.

And when a line or idea comes to you late at night or even as you are falling asleep never tell yourself you'll remember it in the morning - you never do. Make the effort, write it down and wake up to a nice surprise in the morning. In fact keep a pencil and paper near the bed for those late night ideas.

[kiendoc]

You're right, I tend to think most things happen for a reason and we have the free will to act or not act accordingly, I always wanted to sing and play with my grand-daughter one day, but that day will never come, at least not here physically, but I feel her spirit, and if I'm quiet and listen it seems like ideas start to form. And you are so right about writing things down, esp. at night, I
don't worry anymore wheather the lyrics sound perfect or not, I always have a reliable sounding board with you guys and I will always believe.....with her also.
Thanks for touching base with me, take care and have a good one.
-Ken

[carol m]

Originally Posted by kiendoc

, I always have a reliable sounding board with you guys and I will always believe.....with her also.
-Ken

No worries Ken. I don't think any of us who try to help out with lyrics would call ourselves experts, but it's always a safe place to try out your ideas - and also for us to try out our own ideas with the words and music of others.