Like all things, it just takes a bit of practice...I write lyrics for my band (singer can't write)
The endless night idea is good...appeal more to the emotions, and people do that in different ways...personally I like using metaphors...I hope I'm not being too cliche here but...heres what I mean. (I hope you don't mind me using your song to give an example).
Entering carefully into the room
my heart senses the fear and doom
your limp as lead upon the bed
Turning away your head
And I see...
Your song isn't bad in it's base idea, I think it needs a little bit of restructuring, and you're good...but think about what the people in your song are feeling...or what you personally as an artist is trying to portray in the song. You can take that from me if you want, but I recommend you write your own.
Hope I could help,
Jayson.
you can PM me if you don't know what I'm talking about.
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