Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Lcjones
This was written tonight. After going over some posts regarding rhymes I thought I'd pony up and rhyme like the dickens! But rest assured this is a real song in progress and will eventually find it's way ...... some where. 
Your deep critique is more than welcome.
It's an acoustic only practice recording. Sniffles are no charge. |
Yes sir, may I have another!! Several more please! They add alot of flavor
Generally speaking, I think this song flows very nicely. I have trouble over the stuttering of syllables, the breaking up of words. They don't bother me a great deal, but they seem to stick out to me. And if they stick out, they should be worth something, imo!
I think the melody and the chording are a wonderful fit. It's a sing-songy type like you and I grew up loving and so I am probably biased. But hey, there's alot of people out there like me and you
From reading your comments I know that you already realize that you might be able to work with the tension and release. I think that's one component of this that would help to bring it together.
The other area is that I think the lyric could use some better imagery. While really good and true, it all seems a bit plain. I have trouble relating to it because I'm not feeling that you're telling me
your story, just some story from somebody else, if that makes sense. You know, maybe add in that element that says that these are
your feelings you're laying out here. Tell us this story, that we have heard before, in a way that makes it
Les' story.
That's about it for now, my friend. A great start. I really look forward to what you might be able to do with this.
Steve