I like it. Good job. I like how it flows in the verses. You begin with three syllables, five in the next line, and then follow it up with 8 or 10 in the third line, then you repeat the pattern. Just a couple of thoughts:
Quote:
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Originally Posted by eXperiment63
Please tell me
Which way I should go
This hollowness is eating at my soul
I wish I
Could turn back the clock
And take away, all the pain that I brought
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All the pain that I brought? What does this mean, that you were unfair to her? It's not that it's a bad line, it's just that I don't get exactly what you're trying to say.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by eXperiment63
Would have died
Just to have your love
Would've held on tight, never given up
Really cared
And yes I still do
Would've gave it all, to be there with you
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This flows nicely. But I'm confused. You start by saying, 'Would have died...' and then in the third line you say, 'would've held on tight, never given up', which to me seems to be outside the focus of this verse. Again, I don't think it's bad, it's just a bit confusing.
The only other comment is that I like the chorus, but it seems to lack a 'zinger', or something to remember the song by. The last line would be a good place to think about reworking the verbiage to give the song that 'hook'.
As usual, take what you need from my comments and leave the rest. Great job overall.
Steve