Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Eadwine Rose
he's got a real nice house, a car in the driveway
a white painted fence, a dog they found astray
in youth married a lover, his wife named Emily
two wonderful sweet kids, it's a perfect family
chorus:
empty bottles on the table, a glass that's half filled
lying next to it, enthusiasm killed
drooling on the table, stench out of his mouth
just another bum who's life has gone south
early one morning, when he arrives at work
he finds on his desk, a note written by the clerk
too bad for him it says, despite negotiation
he has just lost his job due to reorganization
chorus
they repossess his car, the dog goes to the pound
an auction in his house, now it's empty all around
bills are piling up, wife says the fault is all his
he grabs a whisky bottle as she leaves taking the kids
chorus
|
Really nice writing. I was imagining Mark Knopfler singing this song as I was reading it. Oh yah. Good choice there.
I really like this. Even though it's dark and lends itself to being a country song!!
Gloom, dispair and agony on me
Anyway, I think that the last verse could be made into two verses. The first two lines are one idea, and the last two are another. And the last two lines are the start of an excellent wrap-up verse.
One other idea: The last line of the chorus, even though that's the idea of the song, left me cool. I was jammin' on the lyrics, but I didn't like the taste that left in my mouth. I dunno. I think it's because it doesn't sound catchy enough. Maybe it could be more of a catchier phrase 'cause it's most likely the hook of the song. Possibly the title.
Good stuff!
Steve