[Nem]

wow, thanks for taking the time to reply

Originally Posted by lcjones

First thing to think about is not being too personal. The more personal it is, the less likely your audience will participate. Your listener doesn't want to get emotionally involved with your life. They want to get emotional about their own life. They want to hear about your grief but they want it in a context that relates to them.

so in your opinion is this song too personal? or is it still generalisable to others?

Goodbye Sunrise. This is directly related to your song, however, it does not give the audience any indication that this is a broken heart song. It gives you, personally, the indication because you know what "Goodbye Sunrise" means. They don't. They'll give you just about a minute, and probably less, to convince them that this is a broken heart song they should be interested in, otherwise, click!

I see what you mean, I guess i didnt really think about it from a new listeners pov, but the title of the song is something id have to give heavy thought to before changing because like you said, it does mean something very personal to me. and i guess the reason i wrote the song wasnt necessarily to perform it to others, its like my way of keeping a diary and track of my emotions

The first line sounds like the ending of a story. While, yes, the song is about an ending relationship, the first line should be the beginning of the story about an ending relationship.

wow um, i honestly have no idea how i could talk about the beginning of the end. i mean yeah the first line is about an ending, and its about the relationship, but youre right in that it should set up the beginning of the song
what if the first line posed the question "how did it come to this my love"? then the listener would instantly know its about a failing relationship/lost love (right? ) and might make it sound less like an ending and more a beginning of a journey, kinda like an explorative journey because youre asking a question? i dunno

Remember, the title/hook is either the punch line or is part of the punch line. The hook! It is common practice to not have the hook line rhyme with anything in the song. That helps set it apart from the story (verses).

so maybe change the last, or last 2 lines to something that doesnt rhyme but is catchy and relates directly to what the song is about? ...quite a task
I guess because I come from writing stories I never like to use the title as part of the main text. for me the title is something that while not mentioned during the main piece, is there to sum up what the thing is about

so im a bit out of my depth here, how could i possibly take the title, turn it into a hook and something to end the chorus with?

Your second verse is stronger than your first. In fact it could replace verse 1. The words used here, while still a bit ambiguous, added some "action" to the story. The third line is pretty good. Took down my shelters and all my walls. But lets reverse this line. I mean, the walls have to come down "before" the shelter is gone. This is a common quandry in lyric writing. What comes first? The "pros" call it a 'timing issue". In other words, the line is out of synch with the inferred action. So something like ... " You broke down my walls and removed my shelter" would fit the action.

point taken, i guess the little things like that make a difference

(edit: on second thought placing shelter at the end of the sentence would ruin the rhythm because it has 2 syllables, hmm time to rethink, maybe something like "took down my cover and all my walls" ...desperate attempt to keep walls at the end i know)

but what is it exactly that makes the second verse better than the first? because the second verse has no mention of a lost love at all so in that sense i woulda thought itd be out of place in the story?

the basic structure i wanted was to have the first verse about losing something that was dear to you. the second verse to be about what that thing actually meant to you, why it was important. and the chorus about how you want it back and how youd do anything, no matter how impossible (like moving stars) to get it back in your life

...dunno if any of that comes across, sounded like a good idea at the time