Hey Nem,
Obviously love, no love, broken love, long distance love and just about any other "love" you can think of is what is most written about. Love, or the lack thereof, is an emotion that every single human on this earth can relate to in one way or another. So you already have a built in audience.
Songs/lyrics, as a whole, are meant to summon an emotion. Every song that you enjoy listening to, stimulates your mind, giving you a brief few minutes to share in the emotion the author created; things you personally can relate to.
There are a blue million broken heart songs/lyrics that have been written. I've written some of them. The trick is to make your broken heart song one that is unique yet touches the emotion of your listener in a way they can relate to. So how do we take a very personal thing as a broken heart and make it general enough to allow listeners to get involved and feel their own emtions from your lyric.
First thing to think about is not being
too personal. The more personal it is, the less likely your audience will participate. Your listener doesn't want to get emotionally involved with your life. They want to get emotional about their own life. They want to hear about your grief but they want it in a context that relates to them.
The next thing to think about is creating the mood
before they even hear the song/lyric. Catching their attention takes place right at the title. The Title/hook must be catchy, simple and easily remembered.
Goodbye Sunrise. This is directly related to your song, however, it does not give the audience any indication that this is a broken heart song. It gives you, personally, the indication because you know what "Goodbye Sunrise" means. They don't. They'll give you just about a minute, and probably less, to convince them that this is a broken heart song they should be interested in, otherwise, click!
The title immediately made me think of the Beatles, Good Day Sunshine. Here's the intro and first verse of Good Day Sunshine.
Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine
Good day sunshine
I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I've got something I can laugh about
I feel good, in a special way
I'm in love and it's a sunny day
What's the first thing that catches your attention here? It's the title ... with an
immediate reference to the [i]sun[/b].
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Your explanation at the beginning of your post is not being considered here. A listener would not be privy to a preamble about the song, how it was written or why it was written. So as I read your lyric, I read it as though I do not know any intimate details.
I completely understand that this is first draft. Best place to start!
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Goodbye Sunrise
I might look at titles like:
Broken Heart Sunrise
Heartless Sunrise
My Sunrise Heart Is Gone
or a little satirical
Her Sun Set On My Heart
or even a humorous twist..
She Put My Lights Out
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Verse 1
So it came to this my love,
Take my light and run with the wind
Now our candles blown out for good,
It can’t wake and relight again
The first verse never makes solid contact with lost love. It does make ambiguous and ethereal hints to lost love. However, the way it is written would cause a listener to really have to stop and think about what you're trying to relate. The line
"so it came to this my love almost sounds biblical. As in... 'and it came to pass'. The opening lines need to set up the story. In fact a lyric, just like a story has three parts. A beginning, a middle and an ending. The first line sounds like the ending of a story. While, yes, the song is about an ending relationship, the first line should be the beginning of the story about an ending relationship.
Chorus
Tho I have to say, goodbye to my sunrise
I long for tomorrow and will wait for my life
Although in my darkest day, there is no light
I will move the stars to put her sun in my sky
Chorus' are interludes in the story. They are used to reinforce the notion of the entire lyric. Chorus' should be slightly different in meter with perhaps a different rhyming scheme. Your chorus retains the the same meter and rhyming pattern. The chorus needs to be different to indicate to the listener that something is changing in the song. The chorus is that brief respite in the story. It should be memorable and as well, should have the title/hook included. Remember, the title/hook is either the punch line or is part of the punch line. The hook! It is common practice to
not have the hook line rhyme with anything in the song. That helps set it apart from the story (verses).
Verse 2
She’s the light that shows me the path,
And the hand to guide me along
Took down my shelters and all my walls,
But gave me pride and helped me stay strong
Your second verse is stronger than your first. In fact it could replace verse 1. The words used here, while still a bit ambiguous, added some "action" to the story. The third line is pretty good.
Took down my shelters and all my walls. But lets reverse this line. I mean, the walls have to come down "before" the shelter is gone. This is a common quandry in lyric writing. What comes first? The "pros" call it a 'timing issue". In other words, the line is out of synch with the inferred action. So something like ... " You broke down my walls and removed my shelter" would fit the action.
I hope I've helped. It's helped me tremendously! Thanks for letting us read your lyric.
Best of luck!
lc
Cheer Down