hey blue,
I'm sure there's a limited niche market. Besides the content, there are a couple of other things that don't work.
In the first verse you have
"push throught the crowd to the door"
which is basically repeated in the first chorus by
"something shoved me towards the floor"
and then again in the last chorus with a variation...
"someone shoved me towards the floor"
You want to keep the choruses the same but as different as possible from the verses while at the same time retaining the main character and idea of the whole lyric.
Also, the words "door" and "floor" are replicated in the choruses several times. I'd find some other words to get the idea across in the first verse. Most songs are repetitive to a degree, but we don't want to bore people.
If this is your first attempt at lyrics, purchase or use online tools like a
rhyming dictionary and
thesaurus as well as a
dictionary. Expand your vocabulary.
And really, erupt? Regurgitate is such a cooler word to work with.
Les