Hey rlc,
Glad to have you aboard!
Here's the down and dirty...
By reading your lyric, I feel your intended subject is highly personal. What I mean by that is...... The lyric obviously makes perfect sense to you. You had the idea for the lyric. You understand what it is you are writing about. The problem is, it is so personal to you, you did not allow any room for your listener to understand your idea.
You might have a question or two right about now.
Aren't all lyrics personal?
Yes and no.
1) A lyric can be extremely personal. So personal in fact, that only you or a very small circle of intimate friends get the drift and actually understand what you are saying. In other words, the lyric has a relevant story but only to you.
On the other hand,
2) A lyric can be personal in that the writer has taken a personal interest in a particular subject and writes a song about it. Such as environmental songs or political songs. The writer is personally involved in the lyric by emotion. And by the writers emotional involvement, they can elicit emotion in their listeners to take action.
And yet on the other hand,
3) A lyric can be personal but written in such a manner that the majority of listeners can understand, empathize and generally relate to in the storyline. Such as a popular love song. The writer may have gone through a hard time in a personal relationship, which nearly every one on earth goes through, and writes a lyric about it in a general fashion that every one *can* relate to it.
Your lyric is #1.
Good luck!
And do not stop writing!
We're all here for you!
LC