[starsailor]

Originally Posted by carol m

You're a funny man Chris
How I long for a throat
I could describe as soar
Instead of this jaw
Which sounds more like a stoat.

I too have a cough
And it won't go away
As soon as I sing
I have to call it a day
While I splutter and stutter
And my throat gets red raw -
Wouldn't mind if I sounded
Like Tom Waits - a southpaw -
But it still sounds like me
With a throat that is sore.

Oops that was a typo
A common mistake
But must confess
It was funny
It made my sides ache
I make them quite often
Sometimes can cause trouble
If Care is not taken
One letter out of place
And Raked becomes Naked
Rum becomes bum
And luck becomes
Well I won't go there
Hope the cough goes away
They annoy me somewhat
But they are a bit better
Than a nose full of snot
Wouldn't mind being Tom Waits
With a slow growly drawl
Still struggle quite often
With the lower keys
Sound like the Bee Gees
Doomed to Falsetto
So lack some street cred
The sound of the Ghetto
But I can't complain
And so I won't moan
Still want you to sing
Hear your dulcet tones
But it's when you are ready
It's a personal thing
So just take your time
When the times right
You'll sing
I'm sure I'll enjoy it
Look forward to your song
But there is no hurry
And when you are ready
I'll happily sing along

[starsailor]

Rewriting Downstream
Need an opinion
On these new lines

Like A river I meander
No one understands
A man like me
Who hides his feelings
From prying eyes

Files thoughts away
Inside his mind
Secrets that
He wants to keep
A world of silence where
Still waters run deep

And know one sees
Another man
Who dreams of somewhere
Else to be

Rest is fine
I like them
But a thought
On the new ones
Would be cool
Carol M

[carol m]

Yes I've had this cough
For a month or three
I think it's bronchitis
With a touch of a wheeze
Tomorrow I visit
The local town doc
I expect there'll be tests -
That won't be a shock
All I need is a puffer
So I don't cough and splutter
Then my throat should get clear
And I'll sing without stutter.


Then you'd better hang on
Grab your sick bag and runners
You may never recover
'Cos my voice is a stunner
But not in a goode way
Don't you worry about that
And Kenny in comparison
'll increase the size of his hat
By default, not from gloating
No doubt about that
But I care not, cos I'm planning
To be too far away
So that even with panning
You'll not hit me with missiles
Although, come to think of it
You could with those fissiles
You know, those bombs that can hit
Places right round the globe....
My rhymes have gone haywire
And quite out of control
So I think I'll retire -
Maybe go on the dole.

[carol m]

First thoughts without checking out your original -
I still like 'deep underground' - I know it was my original idea but here's why

Like A river I meander
No one understands
A man like me
Who hides his feelings
Deep underground

Not a real rhyme, but an echo, and the rhythm is also similar. It's an image from nature (not other people) which seems to fit with the setting and the personal reflective nature of the lyric. Also by introducing other people's eyes it shifts the focus from inner reflection to keeping other people out. Underground is also a round vowel which is somehow 'deeper' and more resonant than the tighter sound of prying and eyes. 'Deep' also re-inforces the introspective atmosphere of the song as well as emphasising how strong and personal the feelings are, and also ties in with the still waters run deep idea you use later on.

I didn't think this out when I suggested 'deep underground' but thinking about it now, I think that's why I suggested it. It's also right at the beginning of the song so what you choose to put in is more important than later in the song.,...I bet you wish you never asked. You know I won't mind if you disagree.

I'll think about the other lines and check the original.

[starsailor]

That cough sounds rough
Much worse than me
You may be a girl
But I'm a right girlie
Complaining of sniffles
And a ticklish cough
Feel quite guilty
Maybe I've gone soft
Used to be tough
Well tougher than now
But now I just whinge
Wish I could go back
Away from this ageing man
Future hypochondriac
Yours sounds much worse
Yeah go see the Doc
They'll find a cure
For the illness that ails you
Hope that it's soon
When you've got your inhaler
You'll be able to croon
No missiles from me
The word fissiles is cool
I'll just play your song
And sit on my stool
With my headphones in tow
Bring up your song
And then I'll press go
And beautiful music
Will transcend
From my laptop
And I'll put it on replay
So it never stops
Maybe pause for tea though
Kind of like pork chops
My rhymes gone absurd
No worries only words
Need to get back on track
Return to the fold
Don't fancy the dole
Paperworks heavy
Would like to retire
But I need the readies
Think I rescued the verse
Carol you take it steady

[starsailor]

Originally Posted by carol m

First thoughts without checking out your original -
I still like 'deep underground' - I know it was my original idea but here's why

Like A river I meander
No one understands
A man like me
Who hides his feelings
Deep underground

Not a real rhyme, but an echo, and the rhythm is also similar. It's an image from nature (not other people) which seems to fit with the setting and the personal reflective nature of the lyric. Also by introducing other people's eyes it shifts the focus from inner reflection to keeping other people out. Underground is also a round vowel which is somehow 'deeper' and more resonant than the tighter sound of prying and eyes. 'Deep' also re-inforces the introspective atmosphere of the song as well as emphasising how strong and personal the feelings are, and also ties in with the still waters run deep idea you use later on.

I didn't think this out when I suggested 'deep underground' but thinking about it now, I think that's why I suggested it. It's also right at the beginning of the song so what you choose to put in is more important than later in the song.,...I bet you wish you never asked. You know I won't mind if you disagree.

I'll think about the other lines and check the original.

Thanks Carol I'll keep the Deep Underground. worked in the song so I agree won't mess with that, bought the still waters run deep lines in as Doug suggested someting along those lines, so that's a little extra verse, I'll shorten the playing and add the break but the song still won't be long even with an extra verse, thanks for your thoughts perfect
Went to second person in that new line or third should be.

Idle thoughts
Inside my mind
Secrets that
I want to keep
A world of silence
Still waters run deep

Still waters ties in with my second last line Stagnant pool, hope that verse looks better.

Should have put this in songwriting
Hope no one minds
I'll end the post
With this little rhyme
Thanks for your help Carol
Thanks for your time
Helps me reach my goal
Better stop now
I'm on a roll

[knight46]

Kinda thought that school was out
Summer vacation you know
I guess I was wrong again
As this thread continues to grow
My verses aren't as long as the above
Can't keep my mind that alert
Most of the time I have trouble
Remembering if I am wearing a shirt (not really, wipe that from your minds eye )
I will check in from time to time
To see what has been written
And add some down home earthy spin
When ever my Muse is smitten.
So good Summer season to you
Unless of course your Summer is Fall
Then pay no attention this Southern Boy
Pay no attention at all.

[starsailor]

Yeah Knight Summers here
I've got my shirt on
Got my jeans on too
But forgotten my pants
Today it's commando
Thought I'd take a chance
It's quite liberating
And easier to dance

[starsailor]

Kind of wish I hadn't said that
Now I look at it again
Too much information
Feel so ashamed

[carol m]

Southern Boys sound kind of cute
Can they sing, can they dance,
Maybe play on a flute?
Do Southern Boys smile
And break your heart
Do they drive in old wagons
Put the horse before the cart?
Do they speak with a drawl
Chat in French or Creole?

Do they live by a swamp
Missisippi, Lafayette?
Do they sometimes have to pump
When their feet get a bit wet?
Eat Cajun black eyed beans
Have alligators as pets
Play delta blues all the day
Have fantastic sunsets?

Do you know of the song
The Lakes of Pontchartrain?
It's one of my favorites
And Paul Brady sings it plain
He's a fabulous guitar picker
And singer of great ease
He just sings from his heart
As sweet as you please
Arthur McBride is a classic
Though this vid is compressed
If you heard the cd
You'd be really impressed.


YouTube - The Lakes of Pontchartrain - Paul Brady 1977

YouTube - Arthur McBride - Paul Brady 1977

[knight46]

Beautiful tunes and great links Carol. Here is another version by Christy Moore YouTube - Christy Moore Lakes of Ponchratrain ireland rustic.

We Southern Boys love our toys
Like Pick Up Trucks and such
And when we drink a little bit
We are known to sing to much.
The Summer breeze is magic
Off the Lakes of Pontchartrain
And Creole girls sashay down
Between Canal Street and Main.
The Blues can be heard nightly
Drifting out of smoke filled rooms
Where "Shine" flows like water
And makes you crazy as a loon.

[carol m]

Hearing Blues every night
Is something unknown to us
Down under in Aus -
You're lucky all right
In your land of guitars
'though we do have our share of
Smoke filled bars and big cars. (not these days - poetic license)

I'm feeling just a little bit proud
I've been practicing proper -
Haven't yet drawn a crowd -
Up down and across,
I've been very adventurous
The household as yet
Have not become censorous
And I've found lots of chords
Way up past fret 4!
I expect in due time
I'll find quite a few more.

It's all down to Chris
With his elegant twangs
Strange combos and bongos
And some dastardly flangs
I'm quite liberated
From 'follow the dots'
As I stroll up and down
I care not a jot!
It's true that sometimes
It can sound a bit off
But to you Chris (and Doug)
My top hat, I doff.

[starsailor]

Like the Southern Rhymes
From you two Carol and Knight
Mine was quite leftfield
But now I've got my pants on
I think I'll be alright
Loved those Irish Songsters
Paul Brady, Christy Moore
My favourite song from Christy
Has to be Lisdoonvarna
Brings back to me memories
Of the Erin Isle
Makes me feel calmer
Always raises a smile
YouTube - Lisdoonvarna - Christy Moore

Great to hear you're liberated
Strolling round the fretboard
Being creative
I still have more chords to learn
But the messing around
Gives a sense of freedom
A welcome respite
From the tedium of theory
I must confess it makes me quite weary
But hearing you've broke free
And are exploring the board
Finding new chords
Well that makes me cheery
Pleased I inspired you
I'm recording today
As it's fun to do
Started a song doing it live
But it keeps going wrong
So I have to keep trying
I've sworn and I've cursed
As I messed up a verse
But the sun it is shining
And it's good to rehearse
So in my opinion
It could be a lot worse
Hope the days good for you Carol
Now back to that verse

[carol m]

What an excellent song
From the Emerald Isle
It looked a bit cold
But it gave me a smile
Did you notice his rhyming of Lisdoonvarna
With itself in the chorus (wimp!)
But came through in the verse
With Fra-hil-i-ana (??)

A bit of a stretch
But you've got to applaud
The Gall of the man
Who can strum a mean chord
Makes me fair green with envy
How he sings with such ease
How he cranks out the songs
With such consumate (!) ease.

Did your recordings go well
In your rose-garden idyll?
AKA 'out in the shed'
With your axe and your fiddle?
I remember your shed with its
Van-Gogh-yellow walls
So thick they keep out
Your mother-in-law's calls.
Do you still chain her up
To the ring in the walls
Of your castle in Cornwall
You described here before?

[starsailor]

Don't get much better
Than Christy Moore
I'm one of those
Irish music lovers
Wolfe tones
The Dubliners
Clancy Brothers
Sad tales of woe
Tales of repression
Some sang with a tear
Some with aggression
As a youngster over there
It made an impression
Then so did guiness
Loved a good session
Christy makes it look easy
But he's gifted for sure
The Irish have a gift
For spinning a yarn
Oh they certainly can
And they do entertain
With their tales and songs
And once they get started
They cannot be stopped
Just keep them topped up
With Jamesons or Powers
For that keeps them warm
And they'll keep on going till
The breaking of dawn

The recording was made
But too much compressor
I'll address that today
Make it a bit better
Got sidetracked yesterday
By a neighbour who heard
I had a little studio
Someone spread the word
He mixes beatbox
But wanted advice
I am no expert
No technical class
But he was enlightened
Nice to be asked
Said he'll bring his decks over
Do some mixing and scratching
With vinyl LPs
Do some beat matching
Never tried it before
But I'll give it a go
Where it will end up
Well one never knows
But it's fun just the same
So much diversity
In this music game

Well the Mother in law's
No longer in chains
Banished from the kingdom
The Dragon is tamed
But she still comes to visit
Now and again
We get on quite well now
We did in the past
Now we tolerate each other
A hug and hello
Things they appear
To be a lot more mellow
Yes the Shed is still yellow
The walls like a fortress
Has two desks now
Two computers too
Well two of everything
Well one just won't do
It's a little bit cosy
No cats can be swung
But there's enough
Room to play
For songs to be sung
The yard needs a tidy
There is some junk
But that will go off
To our friends at the dump
We'll hump it away
Cos it kind of restricts us
And when that is done
I'll take some more pictures