[Jomi]

I live and work in the north east of England and my job takes me all over the region. One day I came across a very pretty young woman lying on the ground, I tried for a while to rouse her but there was no response, I was going to phone for an ambulance when a young boy aged about 10 or 11 in a school uniform came up and told me it was ok, she was his mother and she was 'high', she'd be ok in a while. He sat beside her and stroked her hair and rubbed her hands to warm them. I walked on my way through a land of smashed bottles and boarded windows, I didn't realise at the time but it had affected me deeply, I can still picture the scene like it was yesterday.

I'd like to write more songs and I'd appreciate your comments including criticism, be gentle but don't hold back (he says, quaking).
I know that a bit of my local accent comes through in the song, is that good or bad?

thanks,

John

[jon_stggt]

The reality of the song almost brought a tear to my eye. Had my mind filled with memories, people and places i've known, people and experiences i've left behind but never forgot. As for the accent, I can't imagine the song being sung any other way.
Superb.

[Jomi]

Thank you Steve,
Here's the lyrics:

Hug me like you care.

It's really not that nice round here,
There's nothing much to do
You haven't got a coat to wear
Your hands are turning blue.

Your face is really pretty and I like your long dark hair,
And I like it when you hold me hand and hug me like you care.

Sparkling streets of broken glass
and boarded windows too
And rubbish lying everywhere
It can't be good for you

Chorus

And when I turn sixteen
I'm going to find a job to do
And buy a house for both of us
I'll take good care of you

Chorus

The sparkling streets of broken glass
we'll leave them far behind
And live somewhere beside the sea
Where the people are more kind

Chorus

When I look into your eyes
well, you seem far away
I'll just leave you quietly
and go back out and play

Chorus

[Jomi]

Thanks ILTPFF,

I use a shure SM58 dynamic mic, balanced XLR cables and ART studio V3 preamp (set to warm vocals) these are connected to an Audigy 2 soundcard. (All bought from Ebay) I have everything set so that I can get the best volume without distortion and without having to amplify using software.
I used Adobe auditions ver.1 (Also Ebay) to record and added in a light reverberation called 'vocal chamber'.
The vocals and the guitar were recorded at the same time because I don't know how to use the multitrack part of the software yet.

I recorded a few tunes on 2 different days and found that the first day recordings were much better than the second day. Since I went to the trouble of noting all my settings on the first day, I can only assume that the difference was due to mic positioning - though I'm pretty sure it was very similar!! I'm a bit puzzled about that.

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Jomi

Thank you Steve,
Here's the lyrics:

Hug me like you care.

It's really not that nice round here,
There's nothing much to do
You haven't got a coat to wear
Your hands are turning blue.

Your face is really pretty and I like your long dark hair,
And I like it when you hold me hand and hug me like you care.

Sparkling streets of broken glass
and boarded windows too
And rubbish lying everywhere
It can't be good for you

Chorus

And when I turn sixteen
I'm going to find a job to do
And buy a house for both of us
I'll take good care of you

Chorus

The sparkling streets of broken glass
we'll leave them far behind
And live somewhere beside the sea
Where the people are more kind

Chorus

When I look into your eyes
well, you seem far away
I'll just leave you quietly
and go back out and play

Chorus

John--

This is really, really nice. I get the same feeling with the lyric as the music as far as how snuggly they fit together. You've been writing for a while, I'd say, because you have a great economy with words. If not, you've got a knack for this. You're also conscious of the rhyming scheme ABCB and stick with that. Your use of syllable matching is nicely done without being so strict that it's not conversational.

What I don't like about it is having the chorus repeat as much as it does. It's not the content. I really like it. It's because for one reason when I hear the chorus I don't hear it tying in with the verses. I mean, it's not very clear to me that this is a woman lying on the ground that's high talking to her boy (or are you talking to her and then is she talking with you?). I kind of get that because you told me about the story, but when it repeats all of the time it makes me ask that question to myself: what is the songwriter talking about? Maybe an introductory verse that tells a bit more about the situation.

The verses seem tightly focused as being presented by the boy. Or, the first 2 verse would work coming from you, the observer. The third, fourth and fifth verses also are very focused as in perspective, coming from the boy. I like how focused and simple each idea was presented. The imagery of 'sparkling streets of broken glass' is really perfect.

I think that sorting out the perspective focus between the verses and the chorus would really make this lyric shine.

I think it's probably just my preference, but with many songs I think it works better to double up the verse section and therefore not have as many renditions of the chorus. The verse sections you've written would work nicely for that.

But besides any technical observations, this is great work. It is very ethereal in content, which I love. That's pretty much how I write, too. When people critique my stuff they say stuff about my perspectives, too. All in all a wonderful work even if you didn't touch a thing.

As always, take what you need from this and leave the rest...



Steve

[kiendoc]

Great job Jomi, been a long time since I've heard a song that literally gave me the chills.

[Jomi]

Steve,
Thank you for taking the time to write all of that, I really appreciate the effort you made.

When this incident happened (finding an unconscious woman), there were very few words spoken, when the young lad showed up he could see I was going to call someone as I had my phone out, he told me she was his mother and she'd be ok in a while, he was telling me that he was taking charge, so I left.
As I walked off he was rubbing her hands (it was a cold day), when I looked back he was stroking her hair.
Everything in the song is from my thoughts afterwards, I'm trying to say what I think the boy must be thinking (rightly or wrongly).
Before I posted the song I removed the second from last verse because I thought it stretched things a bit:

Maybe you could meet someone
and he could be my Dad,
and we could live together
like the family we once had

I think I wrote a chorus to keep bringing you back from his thoughts to his present situation, kneeling next to his unconscious mother.
He clearly loved her but did she love him? (I'm sure she did but it would really mess up the song to say so!)

I have to admit I'm finding it very difficult to explain my thoughts behind the song, it just sort of poured out of me over a couple of hours.
Feel free to ask more though and thank you again for the critique.

John

[solidwalnut]

Originally Posted by Jomi

Steve,
Thank you for taking the time to write all of that, I really appreciate the effort you made.

When this incident happened (finding an unconscious woman), there were very few words spoken, when the young lad showed up he could see I was going to call someone as I had my phone out, he told me she was his mother and she'd be ok in a while, he was telling me that he was taking charge, so I left.
As I walked off he was rubbing her hands (it was a cold day), when I looked back he was stroking her hair.
Everything in the song is from my thoughts afterwards, I'm trying to say what I think the boy must be thinking (rightly or wrongly).
Before I posted the song I removed the second from last verse because I thought it stretched things a bit:

Maybe you could meet someone
and he could be my Dad,
and we could live together
like the family we once had

I think I wrote a chorus to keep bringing you back from his thoughts to his present situation, kneeling next to his unconscious mother.
He clearly loved her but did she love him? (I'm sure she did but it would really mess up the song to say so!)

I have to admit I'm finding it very difficult to explain my thoughts behind the song, it just sort of poured out of me over a couple of hours.
Feel free to ask more though and thank you again for the critique.

John

John--

I understand what you're saying. And I agree. It's hard enough sometimes to flesh out your feelings let alone try and be accurate about it.

Maybe you don't need to do a thing with this lyric. It's still a great song. On the other hand, you'd almost have to make the conscious decision to embellish on the actual experience to help it make more sense to another person. But that's always what we face.

I think the stretch idea was sort of good, but if it taints how you feel about the song then you probably shouldn't do it.

Have a great day,

Steve

[eddiez152]

Super thinking by all.
In hopes that it can help advance our skills in what each of us see.

eddiez

[Fretsource]

John, I think Steve made some valuable observations. So, I listened to your lyrics again and tried to imagine how they'd be understood by a listener who didn't know the story behind it and I think two things are unclear until the song is almost over. First, that it's a boy talking and second, that he's talking to his mum.

It's only when we get to the verse about him turning 16 that we realise it's a child talking, and only then can we work out (with a bit of thinking back) that he must be talking to his mum. But I think that revelation comes too late in the song. Most of us will have assumed, and got comfortable with the notion, that it's an adult talking to a woman he loves (since it's an adult who's singing).

I really think you should put that verse in second place and follow it with the verse that you left out.

Maybe you could meet someone
and he could be my Dad,
and we could live together
like the family we once had

I can't believe you left that out. It's a terrific verse.
It makes everything completely clear at a single stroke that it's a boy talking to his mum. Not only that but it lets us feel some of his despair.
Most kids from normal happy backgrounds would hate the idea of a new dad coming in to their lives to spoil their comfortable existence. How desperate must this kid be that he actually longs for it. It also lets us know that not only has he no dad, but he used to have a family which is all broken up - he's got nothing left but his mum and he's hardly even got her.

Just my opinion as a listener. As Steve said, even if you do nothing more to it, it's a great song.

[cshude]

You've got great feedback here- I've got nothing to add to what has been said, and I agree with all that this is an absolutely outstanding song that if you played it at the pub everyone would be crying in their beer. Great job.

[eddiez152]

Jomi,

Thats a great verse. Overall I could listen to it over and over.
You all have wonderful feedback.

[Jomi]

Thank you all again for the terrific feedback.

Steve, I don't think I'd be happy to change the song now, again, it's hard to explain but the story poured out of me, I could've written it in minutes except I had to work with the words to get rhymes.
I feel that the spontanaity of it is quite important.
Your comments are valuable and I'll certainly be more conscious of the things you said if/when I write anything else.

Fretsource,
Thank you very much for taking the time to comment.
I'm having a really tough time trying to explain my thinking and that's probably because I didn't do much of it when I wrote the song, it was more about feelings than rational thought.

The fact that you don't get to know the song is about a boy until a little way into it, adds impact, suddenly you're hit by the sadness of the situation...well....I think so.

Admittedly I wrote the 'extra' verse at the time, but there's something about it that I'm not happy with and I'm really stumped to explain what that 'something' is.

When I've been trying to explain how/why I structured the song the way I did, it's all been about what I think NOW, because at the time the words just flowed so I wrote them down.

If you like the song enough to sing it, feel free to interpret it your way.... put the extra verse back in..... and post it here so I can listen!!!!!

take care,

John

[Fretsource]

Originally Posted by Jomi

If you like the song enough to sing it, feel free to interpret it your way.... put the extra verse back in..... and post it here so I can listen!!!!!

It's a brave man who would try to follow your singing, John. My version would probably come out sounding like The Proclaimers

[Doug]

Just listened to this at work and then read the thread here. It's a beautiful song. When I read the verse that you excluded, that did it - I literally had to hide from my co-workers until my eyes dried.
Perhaps you feel it's a bit sappy? I don't know - but it really worked for me. And I agree with what Fretsource and John had to say.
There's really nothing wrong with reworking songs.
Looking forward to hearing more.
-Doug

[johnbullard]

A truly telling lyric and wonderful guitar work. I like the accent.