John, I think Steve made some valuable observations. So, I listened to your lyrics again and tried to imagine how they'd be understood by a listener who didn't know the story behind it and I think two things are unclear until the song is almost over. First, that it's a boy talking and second, that he's talking to his mum.
It's only when we get to the verse about him turning 16 that we realise it's a child talking, and only then can we work out (with a bit of thinking back) that he must be talking to his mum. But I think that revelation comes too late in the song. Most of us will have assumed, and got comfortable with the notion, that it's an adult talking to a woman he loves (since it's an adult who's singing).
I really think you should put that verse in second place and follow it with the verse that you left out.
Maybe you could meet someone
and he could be my Dad,
and we could live together
like the family we once had
I can't believe you left that out. It's a terrific verse.
It makes everything completely clear at a single stroke that it's a boy talking to his mum. Not only that but it lets us feel some of his despair.
Most kids from normal happy backgrounds would hate the idea of a new dad coming in to their lives to spoil their comfortable existence. How desperate must this kid be that he actually longs for it. It also lets us know that not only has he no dad, but he used to have a family which is all broken up - he's got nothing left but his mum and he's hardly even got her.
Just my opinion as a listener. As Steve said, even if you do nothing more to it, it's a great song.
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