Quote:
Originally Posted by Jomi
Thank you Steve,
Here's the lyrics:
Hug me like you care.
It's really not that nice round here,
There's nothing much to do
You haven't got a coat to wear
Your hands are turning blue.
Your face is really pretty and I like your long dark hair,
And I like it when you hold me hand and hug me like you care.
Sparkling streets of broken glass
and boarded windows too
And rubbish lying everywhere
It can't be good for you
Chorus
And when I turn sixteen
I'm going to find a job to do
And buy a house for both of us
I'll take good care of you
Chorus
The sparkling streets of broken glass
we'll leave them far behind
And live somewhere beside the sea
Where the people are more kind
Chorus
When I look into your eyes
well, you seem far away
I'll just leave you quietly
and go back out and play
Chorus
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John--
This is really, really nice. I get the same feeling with the lyric as the music as far as how snuggly they fit together. You've been writing for a while, I'd say, because you have a great economy with words. If not, you've got a knack for this. You're also conscious of the rhyming scheme ABCB and stick with that. Your use of syllable matching is nicely done without being so strict that it's not conversational.
What I don't like about it is having the chorus repeat as much as it does. It's not the content. I really like it. It's because for one reason when I hear the chorus I don't hear it tying in with the verses. I mean, it's not very clear to me that this is a woman lying on the ground that's high talking to her boy (or are you talking to her and then is she talking with you?). I kind of get that because you told me about the story, but when it repeats all of the time it makes me ask that question to myself: what is the songwriter talking about? Maybe an introductory verse that tells a bit more about the situation.
The verses seem tightly focused as being presented by the boy. Or, the first 2 verse would work coming from you, the observer. The third, fourth and fifth verses also are very focused as in perspective, coming from the boy. I like how focused and simple each idea was presented. The imagery of 'sparkling streets of broken glass' is really perfect.
I think that sorting out the perspective focus between the verses and the chorus would really make this lyric shine.
I think it's probably just my preference, but with many songs I think it works better to double up the verse section and therefore not have as many renditions of the chorus. The verse sections you've written would work nicely for that.
But besides any technical observations, this is great work. It is very ethereal in content, which I love. That's pretty much how I write, too. When people critique my stuff they say stuff about my perspectives, too. All in all a wonderful work even if you didn't touch a thing.
As always, take what you need from this and leave the rest...
Steve