[solidwalnut]

Trev--

Nice job with this. Two things.

It may work for you, so maybe you don't need to do anything, but check the length of each line of the verses you wrote. They're longer than what you established in the first verse. They still might be singable but consider condensing. For example, "I'm begging please let the children sleep" is longer than "It left me in a sad, sad way". With 'poetic license' you can sometimes get away with that, but mainly it's good to match syllable count. Or at least let the difference only be one or two syllables.

It's not so much the syllable count that's important as it is the singability of the phrase. Keep in mind, for example, that in the line, "And so many women crying" that the word 'and' is really a 'pick-up' (or said or sung before the downbeat) syllable. Sometimes pick-up syllables don't count. If that's what you intend.

The difference is that if you're writing for yourself, you know this. If you're writing a lyric with the hopes that someone may like your song and record it, then sometimes a more strict syllable count is the way to go. Artist will often use their own pick-up gimmicks when singing a song. All this to say, learn to be economical with syllables. Less is often more!

Ok, and the second thing is: what does "good deeds seem to have their floors" mean? Maybe this is more clear to y'all down under than to some Arizona desert rat like m'self.

Steve