Not too shabby Trev....one little thing though.....
"Can you read the despise in me" - as far as I'm aware, despise can't be used as a noun, it's a verb - to despise, or as an adverb, despicable...so it throws that line off. You could try something like "When you look in my face, can you read my disgrace"....
Mind you, there is something about your pic that makes me feel nauseous - oh yeah, it's that can of XXXX......
(Vic ducks here to avoid flying {probably empty} tin hurled over the internet.....)
Sorry mate couldn't resist.......!!!!
Pretty good effort.....might need another verse to round it off, but like you said, it's not complete yet....
Vic